i am feeling so incredibly terrible/scared/depressed. i wish it was only because i ate 3 (or 4?) holiday cookies today & some other very-fattening-brunch-food at a friends' holiday gathering. and even though i wish i hadn't (i should've stopped at 1 cookie and eaten before we went to the brunch) that is definitely not why i'm upset. i wish that was why and not because of A's behavior today - well, all week. but let's start at today.
at the brunch today, A was with some friends that we've had (from a mom's group - 7 moms, including me) since he was 6 months old... however, he only sees the kids about once a month/once every other month. anyway, he was fine - almost lovely, actually - the whole time. i wanted to leave THEN - when all was going well - as i had this terrible intuition that we should leave NOW in case his behavior changes - especially since his "nap time" had approached and i could tell he was beginning to get overtired. so... as we were looking for his coat, ABOUT TO LEAVE, A attacked one of the little girls. OH.MY.G-D. the little girl was just sitting nicely, playing, when A went up to her and basically attacked her. he just pushed/shoved into her really hard. i immediately ran over and told A to apologize. instead A proceeded to kick her and then hit her. OH.MY.G-D. i picked him up and he started flailing & hitting me. keep in mind that this is in front of EVERYONE - all the families. i get him to the car and he calms down a bit. i had him go back in to apologize and he does, loudly, and when he hugged the little girl he did so too tight and they fell. he was then loud & obnoxious as were leaving (but in control). i am still having trouble breathing. really. i am speechless. the whole ride home S and i were trying to figure out why he would attack the little girl (who was fine but shaken up - he didn't actually hurt-hurt her but that's so not the point). S said he suddenly got angry. i just don't know what's going on. he was in a good mood and the little girl wasn't doing anything. he had played nicely the whole time. he used to be like this but hasn't been aggressive towards kids, at all, for at least six months. so why this happened is so scary. my heart is beating fast and i'm having trouble regulating my breathing - i'm just so upset and bewildered by his behavior. my only explanation is that it was nap time and he was overtired. the boys were also playing tackle football (not my idea) just a few minutes before so he could've been hyped up from that. and if he had tackled one of the boys, it would've made more sense. maybe he didn't mean to hurt her - maybe he was just playing - but then why would he proceed to hit/kick her??? I just don't f'ing get it. he has been aggressive/defiant towards S and i all week which has been very upsetting. but now towards another child? i just don't know. i'm so scared that something is "wrong" with him. he's 3.5 years old - so he's still "young" but it just seemed like such abnormal behavior. it was.
i think i'll stop there. of course i hope this was one single incident and he won't start being aggressive at school. OH.MY.G-D. i can't even go there. i have to try to get past this. i'm really having such a very hard time right now. on the plus side, the last thing i want to do is eat. i just want to crawl in a little ball until i have a guarantee that he's "okay" and that the aggression will stop. but i need to go to him now instead. very thankful that S was with him the last few hours so i had time to nap & sort my thoughts. i just wish my thoughts weren't so upsetting. :(
---------------
on another note, i gained a pound this week. probably from that dessert bar that i overate at last saturday night. and the fact i had an extra protein and yogurt most days this past week. definitely not my biggest concern now. wish it was!
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
the latest...
Once again, where to begin? I guess at the beginning, it's a very good place to start... apparently, I have "The Sound of Music" in my head. :) Anyway...
Last week was SO BUSY and I have a feeling it's going to be this way until winter break (which starts next Wed. for me - Yahoo!). As a result, I had that terrible insomnia last week which, thank goodness, "cured" itself on Friday night for the most part. Since then, I've been sleeping 4-5 hours stretches at a time, going to bed earlier, and usually able to fall back asleep if I've woken up at 4 in the morning (usually due to A climbing into our bed at that time). So, that's definitely a positive.
When I went into GW last week, I was happily surprised to see that I lost 4.2 pounds which puts my total at 84 - at almost 5 months from my starting date. WHEEE!!! Very, very cool!!! I was super excited as I've never lost this much weight before (and will hopefully never have to do so again) let alone in such a short timespan. It is kinda incredible, I have to say. The coolest part is probably clothing and feeling more confident (besides feeling lighter, being healthier, etc.).
I have always been a huge "clotheshorse" (do people even use that expression anymore?!?) and when I hit my heaviest weight this summer (unpublishable until I hit 100 lbs. gone!) I seriously could not fit into anything except super baggy tops and elastic skirts. Fortunately, Dress Ba.rn has really nice & comfortable plus size clothes so I fit into 2 of their dresses, as well. However, everything still felt tight. I hadn't worn pants or jeans since I had been pregnant (mid-late 2006, early 2007). Winter clothes were terrible since I had to wear skirts in the freezing cold. I felt bad and I know I didn't look too hot either. NOW, I can FINALLY wear PANTS again!!! Yahoo!!! I am the proud owner of 2 pairs of cords from Tal.bots and 1 pair of Le.vi's jeans! They are a size 20 BUT I fit into an 18 (but they were clearly too tight). Most importantly, I think I look halfway decent in them (hopefully) and they're WARM and COMFORTABLE. Sooo nice! I can now fit into almost any top/shirt. I'm still buying 2x b/c I really love being able to feel clothes a bit loose on me as it's been SO LONG since I've felt that. Now when I go places, I don't feel "huge". It's the best feeling!
All that being said, I am not at my lowest weight, not nearly. I am still about 35 pounds heavier than I was when my husband met me 11 years ago... and a whopping 55 pounds heavier than my "thinnest" weight (when I was a size 10). I am only about 15 pounds heavier, though, than my "usual" comfortable weight which gives you an idea of how incredibly heavy I got in the past 3-4 years. What's interesting is that most of my local friends & all of my current co-workers have only known me to be extremely overweight... so, to them, I'm "skinny"... if that makes sense. I literally hear about my weight 2 - 5 times a day. From EVERYONE. Even some teacher at A's school who I've only seen in passing. I'm glad that my husband (S) gets where I'm coming from ; he's actually been great about the weight loss. He's complimentary (and relieved!) but not to the point where I feel like all I am is a "weight" to him... if that makes sense at all. He doesn't talk about my weight 24/7 (he never did). Which I kinda like b/c sometimes I feel that all I am is my size... whether it's morbidly obese or 84 pounds thinner. This probably doesn't make any sense at all which I apologize for... it's hard to put these thoughts & feelings into words.
Moving on... S and I attended a black-tie affair, the "Moonlight Ball", with my Mom and Marty on Saturday night. I have to admit that I felt AWESOME in my purple dress (size 18)! I was going to buy my usual black dress but saw the purple dress, which was marked down significantly, and loved the color & neckline... see photos above. The ball itself was kinda boring which I feel guilty saying, but it was! I was also a little tired and in a grumpy/negative mood. Not sure where that was coming from. I know I was annoyed at S but for no "real" reason. So, to be honest, the night itself wasn't all that great. Regarding food, I ate some appetizers (baba ghanoush - yum!) but didn't overdo it. I ordered the vegeterian entree which was some nasty tofu. Grosssssssssss. So, I made up for it during dessert. I kinda went nuts. They had a dessert buffet with a chocolate fountain and fresh fruit. And pastries. Lots of pastries. What can I say? I ate dessert until I felt sick. In retrospect, I don't think I ate THAT much (the equivalent probably to 1, maybe 2, dessert portions) but for me it was obviously a lot. Ironically enough, the "me" 6 months ago would've eaten the equivalent of 5 desserts. Anyway... I did love the chocolate fondue strawberries and jelly cookies... and promptly felt quite ill about 10 minutes after eating them... and kept feeling ill for 24 hours afterwards! Seriously! It felt like a "sugar hangover". I was nauseous and felt achy for an entire day afterwards. Which I guess is a sign that I can't overeat sugar/fat anymore. Which is possibly a good thing. Now will that stop me at another black-tie affair with a dessert bar? Probably not... time will tell. Fortunately, I was able to go right back on program yesterday without a problem. I hope I didn't gain weight from Saturday night - I know I'll be discouraged if I do - time will tell.
I think that's enough for now. If you've read all this, I'm impressed - and thankful for your interest! ;) More again, hopefully soon!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
long overdue update
i don't even know where to begin! i think i'll write highlights in bullet points to help me organize my thoughts:
- so i've had ridiculous insomnia for a week now. i have been sleeping 2-3 hours a night (usually up around 3 or 4am for the day). i'm napping whenever i can which probably helps reinforce the cycle. it really has begun terrible. on days that i work (like today) i feel like i'm in a fog all day. i really enjoy my job so that helps - and i manage to stay energetic - but it's VERY hard to get any paperwork done on so little sleep. i just have way too much on my mind. i'm going to ask dr. f about a sleeping pill on thursday.
- speaking of dr. f and gw... program is going well. i ended up going off plan for 4 meals the week of thanksgiving and still ended up losing weight (4 pounds in 2 weeks is probably the best measure - i went in the sat. morning after thanksgiving and was down but you're always less in the morning - then again, i started the program on a morning). ANYWAY -- i'm down anywere from 79.8 pounds to 80-something which is a little frustrating b/c i can be a bit obsessive about numbers (helpful, i know). long story short, i'm using my thursday night weights for my "weight tally" on the right side. hopefully i'll "officially"hit 80 pounds (or more) on thursday night.
- i find it ridiculously cool that i could go off the program for some meals thanksgiving week and not lose weight and, MORE IMPORTANTLY, not begin to binge or eat-out-of-control. this is HUGE for me (no pun intended). i had that cupcake a few saturdays ago, grilled salmon & cauliflower mash (half portion - i sent half back) at dinner with holly that tuesday night, thanksgiving dinner (i had everything but had small portions) on thursday and t'giving leftovers on friday (once again, small portions). i stayed "on plan" (bars, shakes, yogurts) in between those meals. i really did not feel the urge to binge or eat everything in sight even though i wasn't 100% on track for my plan. this is REAL LIFE, though. i seriously want to be able to eat out like a "normal person" (whoever that is) once or twice a week and be able to maintain my weight. that being said, i plan to stay on plan completely until our trip to california at the end of the month.
- staying on plan this week has usually meant eating an extra bar and/or yogurt each day. mainly because when you're up most of the night, you get hungry. also, when i'm extremely tired i literally am starving. another reason to get the sleep issue under control.
- i'm beginning to love buying clothes again. and having my photo taken. this is awesome.
- on a "lower note", A has been REALLY acting up the past few days (well, on and off). it's stressing me out more than i could ever express. he's 3.5 and still has tantrums - which are aggressive - they have always been (his tantrums). they don't last long and they were really weaning off (is that the right expression??) until recently. however, he had a huge meltdown on wed., sat. and yesterday... all which included hitting/biting/kicking me or S (husband). it really upsets me. keep in mind that he is the sweetest, most lovable & affectionate child the majority of the time. he went through a stage like this when he was 2.5 and i'm hoping that's all it is. i'm always afraid that there's something "really wrong" and i start to panic which is another reason for the insomnia.
- my husband and i have been getting along a little better the past few weeks. he's so tense though. he's going through a really tough time at work which of course is very upsetting for me, too. so between A and S and all of their issues, i feel like the weight of the world (or, more specifically, my family) is on my shoulders.
- i AM thankful that even with all this stress, i'm able to control my eating... i would've been eating everything in sight 5 months ago with all this going on.
-- speaking of 5 months ago, it will be 5 months since i've been on the program in 5 days (5 apparently being the lucky number here). originally i was only going to do the modified fasting program that i'm on for 4 or 5 months and then transition to a more "regular" food intake program (still at GW). however, i think i'm going to stay on the program until the end of december. my blood work is good (knock on wood) but my hair is beginningto fall out. i DO have a lot of hair so i'm not too concerned. yet. i'd love to knock off 20 more pounds (which would bring my total to 100 POUNDS - HOLY S&8T!) before switching to the less intense program. from there i would probably like to lose another 20- 50 pounds but one day at a time, right?
Think that's about it for now (big sigh). Thanks for allowing me to vent, blogger friends. It really has helped. Here's hoping I can stay awake/alert today AND sleep well tonight. overall, i'm hoping for a much better day for A and S, too.
- so i've had ridiculous insomnia for a week now. i have been sleeping 2-3 hours a night (usually up around 3 or 4am for the day). i'm napping whenever i can which probably helps reinforce the cycle. it really has begun terrible. on days that i work (like today) i feel like i'm in a fog all day. i really enjoy my job so that helps - and i manage to stay energetic - but it's VERY hard to get any paperwork done on so little sleep. i just have way too much on my mind. i'm going to ask dr. f about a sleeping pill on thursday.
- speaking of dr. f and gw... program is going well. i ended up going off plan for 4 meals the week of thanksgiving and still ended up losing weight (4 pounds in 2 weeks is probably the best measure - i went in the sat. morning after thanksgiving and was down but you're always less in the morning - then again, i started the program on a morning). ANYWAY -- i'm down anywere from 79.8 pounds to 80-something which is a little frustrating b/c i can be a bit obsessive about numbers (helpful, i know). long story short, i'm using my thursday night weights for my "weight tally" on the right side. hopefully i'll "officially"hit 80 pounds (or more) on thursday night.
- i find it ridiculously cool that i could go off the program for some meals thanksgiving week and not lose weight and, MORE IMPORTANTLY, not begin to binge or eat-out-of-control. this is HUGE for me (no pun intended). i had that cupcake a few saturdays ago, grilled salmon & cauliflower mash (half portion - i sent half back) at dinner with holly that tuesday night, thanksgiving dinner (i had everything but had small portions) on thursday and t'giving leftovers on friday (once again, small portions). i stayed "on plan" (bars, shakes, yogurts) in between those meals. i really did not feel the urge to binge or eat everything in sight even though i wasn't 100% on track for my plan. this is REAL LIFE, though. i seriously want to be able to eat out like a "normal person" (whoever that is) once or twice a week and be able to maintain my weight. that being said, i plan to stay on plan completely until our trip to california at the end of the month.
- staying on plan this week has usually meant eating an extra bar and/or yogurt each day. mainly because when you're up most of the night, you get hungry. also, when i'm extremely tired i literally am starving. another reason to get the sleep issue under control.
- i'm beginning to love buying clothes again. and having my photo taken. this is awesome.
- on a "lower note", A has been REALLY acting up the past few days (well, on and off). it's stressing me out more than i could ever express. he's 3.5 and still has tantrums - which are aggressive - they have always been (his tantrums). they don't last long and they were really weaning off (is that the right expression??) until recently. however, he had a huge meltdown on wed., sat. and yesterday... all which included hitting/biting/kicking me or S (husband). it really upsets me. keep in mind that he is the sweetest, most lovable & affectionate child the majority of the time. he went through a stage like this when he was 2.5 and i'm hoping that's all it is. i'm always afraid that there's something "really wrong" and i start to panic which is another reason for the insomnia.
- my husband and i have been getting along a little better the past few weeks. he's so tense though. he's going through a really tough time at work which of course is very upsetting for me, too. so between A and S and all of their issues, i feel like the weight of the world (or, more specifically, my family) is on my shoulders.
- i AM thankful that even with all this stress, i'm able to control my eating... i would've been eating everything in sight 5 months ago with all this going on.
-- speaking of 5 months ago, it will be 5 months since i've been on the program in 5 days (5 apparently being the lucky number here). originally i was only going to do the modified fasting program that i'm on for 4 or 5 months and then transition to a more "regular" food intake program (still at GW). however, i think i'm going to stay on the program until the end of december. my blood work is good (knock on wood) but my hair is beginningto fall out. i DO have a lot of hair so i'm not too concerned. yet. i'd love to knock off 20 more pounds (which would bring my total to 100 POUNDS - HOLY S&8T!) before switching to the less intense program. from there i would probably like to lose another 20- 50 pounds but one day at a time, right?
Think that's about it for now (big sigh). Thanks for allowing me to vent, blogger friends. It really has helped. Here's hoping I can stay awake/alert today AND sleep well tonight. overall, i'm hoping for a much better day for A and S, too.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
New before-and-afer pics
Oh my, sooo much to post... but for now I'll leave you with some new before & after photos. Apologies that the "before" pics are always the same. I wasn't allowing my photo to be taken often back then! The "after" pics were taken a few weeks ago (Nov. 2010). I have to admit that I was even taken aback when I saw the pics.... I think I yelled "OMG, I'm not huge anymore!"or something along those lines. Until another, not so flattering pic, was taken of my hips. Oh well, it was just the angle, right?!? ;) People are ALWAYS commenting how "different"my face looks. I agree... but I like to think that my body looks a little different, too! Anymore, more on that in a later post. Off to bed now!
Happy (belated) Thanksgiving to all! More on that later, too... but I did eat a "real" turkey dinner! Yummy!
Monday, November 22, 2010
cupcakes, clothing & comments
Ahh, the holidays are upon us. They are my favorite time of the year (and I don't even celebrate Christmas!). I love the spirit, camaraderie, longer shopping hours & sales, holiday decorations, holiday cards and, of course, Christmas cookies (and all other carb-y & sugar-y) treats. Speaking of which...
I struggled a bit this weekend staying on the program. I made the mistake of signing the family up for "CUPCAKES & cocoa with the snow princess" at a local holiday event. BIG MISTAKE. Mainly b/c it was overpriced and lame (the "snow princess" was a 20-year-old dressed as a ballerina. I was expecting the snow princess from Do.ra!). The "event" was color a picture, pick out a cupcake and get your photo taken with the not-so-snowy princess. Lame-O. But, the cupcakes, wooooooooow. They were from George.town Cupcake which is the cupcake place featured on one of those food shows. And O.M.G. were they GOOOOOD. Have I ever mentioned that cupcakes are like my favorite food, EVER? Yep. We got to pick out 4- we had 1 vanilla cupcake/vanilla icing, 1 red velvet & 2 chocolate cupcake/vanilla icing -- my absolute FAVORITE combination. The icing was probably 2 inches tall and soooo good! The chocolate cupcake and red velvet one was outstanding however the vanilla cupcake wasn't that great. Now, how would I know this? By taking a "sliver" of each cupcake - which probably lead to about a whole cupcake eaten. Gulp. I felt terribly guilty afterwards AND upset at myself for not trying the chocolate cupcake with chocolate icing. Go figure. Anyway, I really did want to try these infamous cupcakes (still not as good as "Sprink.les" in Los Angeles) and it's not like I ate all 4 (which I totally would've done 5 months ago - and then drove to DC to get more!!!). I don't know how, in retrospect, I would've handled it. I knew what I was "getting into" when I signed us up for this event. I wanted to "try" one of the cupcakes. And I did. Game over. Or whatever. What I DID do was eat more the rest of the weekend. Nothing crazy, though. I forgot to pack bars on Saturday so I had the garden chicken salad at Chick.Fil.A (180 calories with a little bit of non-fat dressing and a handful of croutons - about 250 calories total), a couple of handfuls of low calorie potato chips (which my husband REALLY needs to stop buying!!!) and a few bites of my son's pizza slice and soft pretzel at a kid's concert yesterday. Oh, and an extra bar & yogurt each day. Definitely not on a binge but not as conscientous as usual. I'm hoping to be 100% until Thursday and then eat a "portion-controlled" (that is such an unattractive word) meal - trying everything but not going overboard. I'm not going back to GW until Saturday so it will be interesting to see how my weight is. Speaking of which, I "only" lost 2.4 pounds this past week. I say "only" because I was "perfect" and was hoping to lose more. I'm still a little nuts about this, I know. The good news is that I officially hit 75 pounds which brings me to my next topic...
CLOTHES. I went to the Tal.bots outlet (which isn't really outlet-ly but whatever) and they had a great selection of plus-sized clothing. For the first time in 6 years I fit into a size 20. Woohoo! I ended up buying 2 pairs of size 22 pants (more comfortable - the 20 fit but was a little snug) and lots of sweaters & tops that fit really nicely. It was a GREAT FEELING. I'm literally wearing pants again for the first time in SIX YEARS even though, according to my husband, I look at least 10 pounds bigger in them than I do in skirts/dresses. Whatever. They're COMFORTABLE and more appropriate weather-wise.
Last topic - COMMENTS. I receive 1 - 5 comments/compliments on my weight nearly every day. It's strange b/c the people at my work and at A's school have only known me since I've been "morbidly obese" (another remarkably attractive phrase, isn't it?!?). Anyway, they don't know that I was only "that big" for 2-3 years and I'm still "big", for me, at my current weight (but only by 20-40 pounds now, yay!). Some people get sooo excited which is cute and yet disconcerting at times. Usually the comments are benign -- "you look great" -- which I appreciate getting. But some comments - wow. Like when a fellow mom at A's school said that "I look my age" and "more normal" now. REALLY?!? I think it's partially a cultural/language issue and she is the sweetest lady but HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO THAT?!? Also, yesterday I ran into an older woman that I've known my whole life (Evie S.) but haven't seen in years. She said that she didn't recognize me. I'm not sure if this is because I look much better or much worse than the last time she saw me. It really depends on when that was.
Anyway - think that's enough for today. I really should write more often but I usually don't have the time or energy to do so. I'm off ALL WEEK from work for T'giving break... sweeet... so I hope to post again soon. If not, I'm wishing all my readers/supporters a wonderful Turkey Day! =)
I struggled a bit this weekend staying on the program. I made the mistake of signing the family up for "CUPCAKES & cocoa with the snow princess" at a local holiday event. BIG MISTAKE. Mainly b/c it was overpriced and lame (the "snow princess" was a 20-year-old dressed as a ballerina. I was expecting the snow princess from Do.ra!). The "event" was color a picture, pick out a cupcake and get your photo taken with the not-so-snowy princess. Lame-O. But, the cupcakes, wooooooooow. They were from George.town Cupcake which is the cupcake place featured on one of those food shows. And O.M.G. were they GOOOOOD. Have I ever mentioned that cupcakes are like my favorite food, EVER? Yep. We got to pick out 4- we had 1 vanilla cupcake/vanilla icing, 1 red velvet & 2 chocolate cupcake/vanilla icing -- my absolute FAVORITE combination. The icing was probably 2 inches tall and soooo good! The chocolate cupcake and red velvet one was outstanding however the vanilla cupcake wasn't that great. Now, how would I know this? By taking a "sliver" of each cupcake - which probably lead to about a whole cupcake eaten. Gulp. I felt terribly guilty afterwards AND upset at myself for not trying the chocolate cupcake with chocolate icing. Go figure. Anyway, I really did want to try these infamous cupcakes (still not as good as "Sprink.les" in Los Angeles) and it's not like I ate all 4 (which I totally would've done 5 months ago - and then drove to DC to get more!!!). I don't know how, in retrospect, I would've handled it. I knew what I was "getting into" when I signed us up for this event. I wanted to "try" one of the cupcakes. And I did. Game over. Or whatever. What I DID do was eat more the rest of the weekend. Nothing crazy, though. I forgot to pack bars on Saturday so I had the garden chicken salad at Chick.Fil.A (180 calories with a little bit of non-fat dressing and a handful of croutons - about 250 calories total), a couple of handfuls of low calorie potato chips (which my husband REALLY needs to stop buying!!!) and a few bites of my son's pizza slice and soft pretzel at a kid's concert yesterday. Oh, and an extra bar & yogurt each day. Definitely not on a binge but not as conscientous as usual. I'm hoping to be 100% until Thursday and then eat a "portion-controlled" (that is such an unattractive word) meal - trying everything but not going overboard. I'm not going back to GW until Saturday so it will be interesting to see how my weight is. Speaking of which, I "only" lost 2.4 pounds this past week. I say "only" because I was "perfect" and was hoping to lose more. I'm still a little nuts about this, I know. The good news is that I officially hit 75 pounds which brings me to my next topic...
CLOTHES. I went to the Tal.bots outlet (which isn't really outlet-ly but whatever) and they had a great selection of plus-sized clothing. For the first time in 6 years I fit into a size 20. Woohoo! I ended up buying 2 pairs of size 22 pants (more comfortable - the 20 fit but was a little snug) and lots of sweaters & tops that fit really nicely. It was a GREAT FEELING. I'm literally wearing pants again for the first time in SIX YEARS even though, according to my husband, I look at least 10 pounds bigger in them than I do in skirts/dresses. Whatever. They're COMFORTABLE and more appropriate weather-wise.
Last topic - COMMENTS. I receive 1 - 5 comments/compliments on my weight nearly every day. It's strange b/c the people at my work and at A's school have only known me since I've been "morbidly obese" (another remarkably attractive phrase, isn't it?!?). Anyway, they don't know that I was only "that big" for 2-3 years and I'm still "big", for me, at my current weight (but only by 20-40 pounds now, yay!). Some people get sooo excited which is cute and yet disconcerting at times. Usually the comments are benign -- "you look great" -- which I appreciate getting. But some comments - wow. Like when a fellow mom at A's school said that "I look my age" and "more normal" now. REALLY?!? I think it's partially a cultural/language issue and she is the sweetest lady but HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO THAT?!? Also, yesterday I ran into an older woman that I've known my whole life (Evie S.) but haven't seen in years. She said that she didn't recognize me. I'm not sure if this is because I look much better or much worse than the last time she saw me. It really depends on when that was.
Anyway - think that's enough for today. I really should write more often but I usually don't have the time or energy to do so. I'm off ALL WEEK from work for T'giving break... sweeet... so I hope to post again soon. If not, I'm wishing all my readers/supporters a wonderful Turkey Day! =)
Thursday, November 11, 2010
4 months ago...
wow. 4 months today i weighed exactly 73 pounds more than i do now.
incredible. absolutely amazing.
i am so beyond thankful that i found my program when i did, i really believe it has been a literal lifesaver in every way. i have found myself again. i am slowly (well, not that slowly) but surely peeling off the "fat suit" that i was stuck in for 3 years. i'm at my lowest weight in 4.5 years. loving it! still have a long way to go (ideally, i would like to lose 50 more pounds) but i am feeling sooo much better (except for the anemia - i still am anemic - sigh. the rest of my lab work from last week came back fine.)
other things in my life... not so great... mainly marital issues that are too complex to get into here. let's just say that losing weight doesn't change/fix everything (except i feel much better/healthier/attractive so that has to count for something, right?!?).
anyway, overall i'm definitely excited and feeling in control. it's a GREAT feeling!!!
for the newest "after" picture, look to the right... personally, i don't see any difference from the -60 pound photo - actually, i think i look BETTER in the -60 pound picture... but whatever. today was veteran's day (thank you, vets!) so i'm sporting the red, white & blue (didn't change yet from work)! i won't be able to wear that skirt again... it was literally hanging off of me. the shirt was too big, too. i'm so excited to fit into clothes, though, that i'm reluctant to buy/wear smaller sizes!
incredible. absolutely amazing.
i am so beyond thankful that i found my program when i did, i really believe it has been a literal lifesaver in every way. i have found myself again. i am slowly (well, not that slowly) but surely peeling off the "fat suit" that i was stuck in for 3 years. i'm at my lowest weight in 4.5 years. loving it! still have a long way to go (ideally, i would like to lose 50 more pounds) but i am feeling sooo much better (except for the anemia - i still am anemic - sigh. the rest of my lab work from last week came back fine.)
other things in my life... not so great... mainly marital issues that are too complex to get into here. let's just say that losing weight doesn't change/fix everything (except i feel much better/healthier/attractive so that has to count for something, right?!?).
anyway, overall i'm definitely excited and feeling in control. it's a GREAT feeling!!!
for the newest "after" picture, look to the right... personally, i don't see any difference from the -60 pound photo - actually, i think i look BETTER in the -60 pound picture... but whatever. today was veteran's day (thank you, vets!) so i'm sporting the red, white & blue (didn't change yet from work)! i won't be able to wear that skirt again... it was literally hanging off of me. the shirt was too big, too. i'm so excited to fit into clothes, though, that i'm reluctant to buy/wear smaller sizes!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
still here...
wow, i have been a blog slacker yet again! so many times i want to post but don't have the energy or i'm in a rush or some other excuse. =)
here's what's new...
- it'll be 4 months on the program in one week. wow. dr. f wants me to continue the modified fasting diet (program a) for another month, though, which i'm totally fine. i plan to take thanksgiving meal off, though - not to binge but to eat with family.
- i had an awesome loss last week - 6.2 pounds - but only .8 oz. this week. not sure if it's b/c i started my period today (i'm.in.SOOOO.much.pain - holy cramp-oli!) or b/c i usually ate extra bars and/or yogurts this week (pms will do that to you) but i'm hoping i'll lose more next week. i'm only .8 oz. away from 70 which i'm looking forward to hitting!
-- my mom was in the ER last night for severe dizziness/vomiting. I.WAS.TERRIFIED beyond words. thank G-d it seems to be benign vertigo (dizziness) with an unknown cause (something to do with her ear?!?) and her CT scan and other tests were fine. i'm doing my best to trust the doctor that it is, indeed, benign. last night was awful - i was really petrified and i'm still a little shaken up from it. when i got home last night, feeling relieved (since the doctor said she should be fine) i was STARVING and wanted to BINGE out of relief. it is my natural soother, so to speak. but i had an extra yogurt instead and eventually calmed down (well, 2 hours later, went to bed at 3:30!). huge sigh. i love my mom more than words can express so it is just so awful to think that something could happen to her. anyway...
-- that's about it for now. will try to update again soon.
here's what's new...
- it'll be 4 months on the program in one week. wow. dr. f wants me to continue the modified fasting diet (program a) for another month, though, which i'm totally fine. i plan to take thanksgiving meal off, though - not to binge but to eat with family.
- i had an awesome loss last week - 6.2 pounds - but only .8 oz. this week. not sure if it's b/c i started my period today (i'm.in.SOOOO.much.pain - holy cramp-oli!) or b/c i usually ate extra bars and/or yogurts this week (pms will do that to you) but i'm hoping i'll lose more next week. i'm only .8 oz. away from 70 which i'm looking forward to hitting!
-- my mom was in the ER last night for severe dizziness/vomiting. I.WAS.TERRIFIED beyond words. thank G-d it seems to be benign vertigo (dizziness) with an unknown cause (something to do with her ear?!?) and her CT scan and other tests were fine. i'm doing my best to trust the doctor that it is, indeed, benign. last night was awful - i was really petrified and i'm still a little shaken up from it. when i got home last night, feeling relieved (since the doctor said she should be fine) i was STARVING and wanted to BINGE out of relief. it is my natural soother, so to speak. but i had an extra yogurt instead and eventually calmed down (well, 2 hours later, went to bed at 3:30!). huge sigh. i love my mom more than words can express so it is just so awful to think that something could happen to her. anyway...
-- that's about it for now. will try to update again soon.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Blog Slacker
sorry i've been a blog slacker. i was quite sick with a sinus (and minor ear) infection for a loooong 7 days until i finally got on antibiotics. then i was swamped getting ready for a visit with one of my best friends from college, christy,and her family on thursday... followed by an in-laws visit - that went shockingly well - this weekend. amazing how a weight loss can make some people (i.e. in-laws) much happier with you... and annoying, too... but at least it was an enjoyable visit. except that i lost my camera on sunday. i think it fell off my car when we were driving home from dair.y queen (which i didn't have but probably will in the future since the owner said it's 90% fat-free. hmm...may have to look into that). anyway, i'm doing well, for the most part. a little more tired & irritable than usual but that could be the time of the month. doing well with the program (went in on wednesday and lost .8 - not much - but i had eaten more protein bars than i "should have" last week due to stress) but have been fantasizing about food more & more. program A - the modified fasting diet - technically ends on nov. 10th as it will be 4 months then... and then i start eating real food along with the shakes/nutrition bars. not sure what i'll do yet - probably diet.to.go... as i think i still need the STRUCTURE to succeed. psychologically, i feel ready though to eat a meal or two a day and not eat everything in sight.
more later this week...going to watch TV/fold laundry in bed now!
more later this week...going to watch TV/fold laundry in bed now!
Friday, October 15, 2010
So, about that Journey to Jeans...
Guess what? Officially, my "journey to jeans" has ended as I bought my first pair of plus-size Le.vi's last month. I finally put this on last week, see pics above. I didn't actually wear them though until today. They were super comfy... and WAY TOO BIG!!! They literally were falling off of me and I had to keep pulling them up all day at work (Friday is jeans day). So embarrassing!!! I bought size 24 which, a few months ago, was way too big. I'm happy that I'm now a size 20 (I think) but it's still a little annoying since I just bought these jeans and they weren't cheap. Maybe I'll buy a belt. I really like my pants and jeans to be loose, anyway... it's a total comfort thing. The real "victory"will be when I fit into "regular size" (16 or -even better -14) jeans. When I was at my slimmest, 10 years ago, I wore a size 12 J.Cr.ew jeans. Those wore the days. Anyway.... it's still a little milestone. =)
In other news, I'm battling a terrible cold which has helped with cravings a bit. I lost 1.7 pounds since Saturday morning - sweet!
Saturday, October 9, 2010
SIXTY
I hit SIXTY pound today (well 59.7 but close enough!)... very,very cool!
3 months on the program today.
Feeling the best I've had in years... at my lowest weight in 4.5 years. Loving it!!!
Can you tell which pics are before and which are after? =)
Thursday, October 7, 2010
status quo
Due to my PMS (which led to a relatively severe salt craving which led to the honey roasted peanuts that my husband has promised never to buy again) and my "overeating" of about 300 calories a day (of yogurts & protein bars), I maintained my weight this week. Of course it's disappointing not to have lost weight but at least I didn't gain.
Now I'm back on plan, 100% for the 2nd day now. And, to be honest, it kinda sucks. It's just hard to be borderline hungry/hungry all.day.long. I've been "holding off eating" as long as I can most of the day and chewing a lot of gum. Hopefully the cravings/hunger will go away soon. it really can be distracting. All I have left today on my program is a protein shake but I really want a yogurt, too. Sigh. I need to stay on, though so I'll deal. Will probably just have some more pickles. As my friend, Christy, says - I'll probably never be able to eat a pickle again after this program!!! 1 month left on Plan A...
Now I'm back on plan, 100% for the 2nd day now. And, to be honest, it kinda sucks. It's just hard to be borderline hungry/hungry all.day.long. I've been "holding off eating" as long as I can most of the day and chewing a lot of gum. Hopefully the cravings/hunger will go away soon. it really can be distracting. All I have left today on my program is a protein shake but I really want a yogurt, too. Sigh. I need to stay on, though so I'll deal. Will probably just have some more pickles. As my friend, Christy, says - I'll probably never be able to eat a pickle again after this program!!! 1 month left on Plan A...
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
*overdue* week-in-review
sorry for the lack of posts this week... busy, tired, busy, tired... guess the usual...
i had raging PMS until yesterday morning when "aunt flo" came. i usually don't get too many pms symptoms but i REALLY had it this time... migraines, irritability, fatigue (esp. on saturday night) and HARD-CORE CRAVINGS. wow! i was really getting worried that i wouldn't be able to do "plan A" any longer due to the cravings... then i realized it was probably pms and was hoping that's all it was. i had a FEW extra yogurts/protein bars AND a whole bunch of honey-roasted nuts (which is my husband really shouldn't be buying now)... i got up to almost 1200 calories 3 or 4 nights in a row. i also had my first "real meal" in almost 3 months... a vegetable/low-fat cheese 333 calorie egg-beaters omelet at sil.ver din.er with my friend rachel & her family. i'm really glad i made such a healthy choice but, of course, i'm really not "supposed to" get off the plan. but this is REAL LIFE and i'm only on the plan for 5 more weeks and then i'll have to eat a healthy dinner every night. anyway.... i was back on track (nice rhyme, huh?) yesterday - well, except for the 1 extra yogurt. i'm definitely going to GW this week - hopefully tomorrow - but i may skip the weigh-in b/c it'll just depress me AND i'm ridiculously bloated right now (thanks again to "aunt flo"). i also have mind-blowing cramps which i really hope subsides SOON since it promises to be a busy day at work...and it hurts to move right now. =( at least i'm not nauseus (yet?) like last month.
i did go into GW this past thursday - can't remember the total lost - but it is recorded on the side where i keep track of my weight loss. i do know my total was 55.4 - or it was, at least! i feel like it's slowed down a bit - the weight loss rate - but i'm thankful for every pound lost. i need to - no, i WILL - start walking and/or going to the gym!!! met with dr. F.... he said i am still anemic but definitely not as bad as i had been.
better get ready for work. i probably should've blogged this weekend when i was overeating (well, for this program, at least) to gauge my emotions at that time. it really was hunger (pms-related, for the most part), though. however, i have been feeling very GUILTY for not spending more time with my precious little love, A. also, S and i have not been getting along and i've been feeling some annoyance/anger toward him as a result. so i'm sure that had something to do with it, too. ANYWAY - here's hoping for a calmer, more peaceful week. speaking of which, my mom should be coming home from China tonight, G-d willing. can't wait to see her. i've missed her so much!!!
i had raging PMS until yesterday morning when "aunt flo" came. i usually don't get too many pms symptoms but i REALLY had it this time... migraines, irritability, fatigue (esp. on saturday night) and HARD-CORE CRAVINGS. wow! i was really getting worried that i wouldn't be able to do "plan A" any longer due to the cravings... then i realized it was probably pms and was hoping that's all it was. i had a FEW extra yogurts/protein bars AND a whole bunch of honey-roasted nuts (which is my husband really shouldn't be buying now)... i got up to almost 1200 calories 3 or 4 nights in a row. i also had my first "real meal" in almost 3 months... a vegetable/low-fat cheese 333 calorie egg-beaters omelet at sil.ver din.er with my friend rachel & her family. i'm really glad i made such a healthy choice but, of course, i'm really not "supposed to" get off the plan. but this is REAL LIFE and i'm only on the plan for 5 more weeks and then i'll have to eat a healthy dinner every night. anyway.... i was back on track (nice rhyme, huh?) yesterday - well, except for the 1 extra yogurt. i'm definitely going to GW this week - hopefully tomorrow - but i may skip the weigh-in b/c it'll just depress me AND i'm ridiculously bloated right now (thanks again to "aunt flo"). i also have mind-blowing cramps which i really hope subsides SOON since it promises to be a busy day at work...and it hurts to move right now. =( at least i'm not nauseus (yet?) like last month.
i did go into GW this past thursday - can't remember the total lost - but it is recorded on the side where i keep track of my weight loss. i do know my total was 55.4 - or it was, at least! i feel like it's slowed down a bit - the weight loss rate - but i'm thankful for every pound lost. i need to - no, i WILL - start walking and/or going to the gym!!! met with dr. F.... he said i am still anemic but definitely not as bad as i had been.
better get ready for work. i probably should've blogged this weekend when i was overeating (well, for this program, at least) to gauge my emotions at that time. it really was hunger (pms-related, for the most part), though. however, i have been feeling very GUILTY for not spending more time with my precious little love, A. also, S and i have not been getting along and i've been feeling some annoyance/anger toward him as a result. so i'm sure that had something to do with it, too. ANYWAY - here's hoping for a calmer, more peaceful week. speaking of which, my mom should be coming home from China tonight, G-d willing. can't wait to see her. i've missed her so much!!!
Saturday, September 25, 2010
week in review...
i was able to go to the "clinic" (as "insiders"call it, haha) again this morning which was great. i went to 3 groups... wow. i think i'm a lot happier than the average patient there. even when i was really big (and really unhappy/in denial about that) i still was a relatively happy person. it's hard not to be when i have the most precious & loving child who loves me SO MUCH regardless of my weight... in fact, he's the only person who hasn't made one comment about my weight before or after. aah, the beauty & unconditional love of an (almost) 3.5 year old boy!!! =)
i weighed less this morning (i think 2.4 pounds less than i did on wed.) which didn't surprise me since it was a morning weigh-in. the really cool thing is that i looked at my blood work from this week & last. the "liver test" (forgot what it's called) is supposed to be between 10-40 (don't quote me on the "10" part) and mine 1.5 weeks ago was 140 which is why dr. f was so concerned. on wed. it was 44, only 4 points from normal. the really exciting part is that my ferritin (iron) level is FINALLY NORMAL!!! it was a 10 - the minimum normal but a huge increase from the -1 it was 2.5 months ago! yay! my hematocrit (iron in my blood, i believe???) went from 25.2 (very close to needing a blood transfusion - who knew?) to 34.6 (35 is the minimum in the range - i'm so close)! so, i'm *barely* anemic, if at all, anymore. yay yay yay! i was really concerned about it. the biggest notice is not a huge change in energy (sadly) but the fact that i don't crave ice like a mad woman like i did a few months ago (a common symptom of anemia). my triglycerides were also *almost* normal -- 155 with 150 being the maximum in the range. cholesterol has always been fine but i still need to bring up my "good" cholesterol... need to start working out to do that. anyway, it felt great to see this labwork. let's hope it contiues. =)
on another note, i've been much hungrier - especially in the evenings - for the past 3 nights. it's so annoying. hard to tell if it's emotional eating and/or true hunger. i had an extra bar 2 nights ago and an extra yogurt last night. been eating lots of pickles and chewing gum. wish/hope that this "feeling to eat eat eat" will resolve quickly.
and that about wraps up my "week in review, weight-loss edition". =)
i weighed less this morning (i think 2.4 pounds less than i did on wed.) which didn't surprise me since it was a morning weigh-in. the really cool thing is that i looked at my blood work from this week & last. the "liver test" (forgot what it's called) is supposed to be between 10-40 (don't quote me on the "10" part) and mine 1.5 weeks ago was 140 which is why dr. f was so concerned. on wed. it was 44, only 4 points from normal. the really exciting part is that my ferritin (iron) level is FINALLY NORMAL!!! it was a 10 - the minimum normal but a huge increase from the -1 it was 2.5 months ago! yay! my hematocrit (iron in my blood, i believe???) went from 25.2 (very close to needing a blood transfusion - who knew?) to 34.6 (35 is the minimum in the range - i'm so close)! so, i'm *barely* anemic, if at all, anymore. yay yay yay! i was really concerned about it. the biggest notice is not a huge change in energy (sadly) but the fact that i don't crave ice like a mad woman like i did a few months ago (a common symptom of anemia). my triglycerides were also *almost* normal -- 155 with 150 being the maximum in the range. cholesterol has always been fine but i still need to bring up my "good" cholesterol... need to start working out to do that. anyway, it felt great to see this labwork. let's hope it contiues. =)
on another note, i've been much hungrier - especially in the evenings - for the past 3 nights. it's so annoying. hard to tell if it's emotional eating and/or true hunger. i had an extra bar 2 nights ago and an extra yogurt last night. been eating lots of pickles and chewing gum. wish/hope that this "feeling to eat eat eat" will resolve quickly.
and that about wraps up my "week in review, weight-loss edition". =)
Thursday, September 23, 2010
51.4 pounds later....and a sigh of relief
I love before & after photos... they really help motivate me to keep going....
I'm breathing a huge sigh of relief over here... talked to Dr. F today and my liver enzymes(?) are almost back to normal... Thank You, G-d!!! So I can continue on the program and, more importantly, I'm okay (hopefully -- knock on wood)!
I'm getting lots of nice compliments these days. Two co-workers this week told me that I'm looking"fantastic"... so sweet. Some days I really feel great and other moments... still huge... guess that's all part of this fun "game". Regardless, I am so very very very thankful that I've found such a wonderful program and that I've been able to control my eating for the first time in a very long, long time. The fat suit is slowly peeling off of me... and I'm beginning to emerge again.... cheezy but so true.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
milestone... and a health scare
I hit 50 pounds tonight!!! 51.4 to be exact... very exciting! I lost 1.8 pounds this week - 3 pounds total in the last 1.5 weeks... definitely slower than I had been losing. I'm probably going to start walking/working out which will hopefully speed things up a little again. Not that I'm complaining, really... it's just hard not to feel a little less excited when I was losing 4-8 pounds per week for the last few months (usually). My blood pressure was also unusually HIGH today (140/96) which brings me to the health scare...
When meeting with Dr. F tonight, I found out that something is up with my liver. I had my blood drawn last week (since it's a modified fasting diet you get your blood drawn every 2-4 weeks) and my liver labwork was off. I don't know too many more details because, frankly, I was afraid to ask. Dr. F had me get more bloodwork taken tonight and should know the results by Friday. Since I'm a "worst case scenario" kind of gal, I'm afraid I'm horribly sick or something. Hopefully, of course, it's nothing. Or it may mean that I have to start eating more. I'm hoping I won't think about it too much in the upcoming days. I definitely am feeling nervous about it. =(
When meeting with Dr. F tonight, I found out that something is up with my liver. I had my blood drawn last week (since it's a modified fasting diet you get your blood drawn every 2-4 weeks) and my liver labwork was off. I don't know too many more details because, frankly, I was afraid to ask. Dr. F had me get more bloodwork taken tonight and should know the results by Friday. Since I'm a "worst case scenario" kind of gal, I'm afraid I'm horribly sick or something. Hopefully, of course, it's nothing. Or it may mean that I have to start eating more. I'm hoping I won't think about it too much in the upcoming days. I definitely am feeling nervous about it. =(
Sunday, September 19, 2010
weekly update
Another week has passed and, overall, the week has been fairly easy for me, in terms of the program. I'm (finally) feeling adjusted to being back to work so that has definitely helped. I haven't been really craving food or wanting to binge either which is always a relief.
I lost 1.2 pounds this week -- not a huge amount -- but I went in on Thursday night so it hadn't been a full week plus it was nighttime (I got weighed before on a Saturday). The 2 classes/groups were great. I just love being there so much, wish I could go 3 times a week. It is so motivating and helpful.
I'm only .4 (less than half a pound) away from 50 pounds which is about halfway to my goal. Hopefully I'll get there by Thursday.
I lost 1.2 pounds this week -- not a huge amount -- but I went in on Thursday night so it hadn't been a full week plus it was nighttime (I got weighed before on a Saturday). The 2 classes/groups were great. I just love being there so much, wish I could go 3 times a week. It is so motivating and helpful.
I'm only .4 (less than half a pound) away from 50 pounds which is about halfway to my goal. Hopefully I'll get there by Thursday.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
2 months!!!
I've been on the program for exactly 2 months now! I am ECSTATIC about the following (in no particular order):
-- my bmi is no longer in the "morbidly obese" range
-- i've lost almost 50 pounds (48.4)
-- my blood pressure is normal now (usually)
-- my blood sugar is normal now
-- i've gone down 3 sizes in clothes which means i'm beginning to wear much cuter clothes again ;)
-- i'm beginning to feel like myself again and not me stuck in a fat suit
-- i can walk much faster
-- i can go up the stairs without losing my breath
-- i'm much prouder of myself... i have so much more confidence now
-- i'm in control. again. finally!!!
the last 2 months have been close to miraculous. i feel like this program is literally a lifesaver. i don't know what would have happened if i hadn't joined when i did (actually, i do and it's not pretty!) . i am very very thankful for this wonderful program and for my amazing family & friends who have been there for me through it all, thick and not-as-thick. ;)
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on another note, i started feeling MUCH better yesterday, Thank G-d. Not sure if it was a stomach bug or complications from my period??? Just glad I'm not sick anymore. Was able to make it to GW (lost 4.8 lbs this week) and attend 2 classes. I really need to start talking less in the classes... I just get so excited & can relate so well to what everyone's saying... it's hard to shut myself up some times... but i will *try* to!!!
Friday, September 10, 2010
ROUGH... with an UPDATE at the end
the past 24 hours have been somewhat difficult. Yesterday was the 1st day of Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, and I woke up exhausted with horrible cramps from "my friend Flo". The first day or two of my period is usually pretty uncomfortable but yesterday was OUT.OF.CONTROL. I spent the first 12 or so hours doubled over and then I threw up on 2 separate occasions last night (sorry for TMI!). I don't think I've ever had such bad cramps and I certainly don't ever remember being nauseous with it (I'm definitely not pregnant, either, even though it feels like I am)!
To make matters oh-so-worse Adam LOST.HIS.SH*T at my mom's house last night, in front of her boyfriend & his daughter. After being an angel all day, he started knocking stuff down and being a little terror. For real. It was awful & left me very upset... I'll leave it at that.
I'm leaving for work in a few minutes. I don't even know if I slept 3 hours last night. The cramps are not as bad today but I'm still a little nauseous and so emotionally & physically drained and exhausted that I'm seriously counting the hours until I can take a nap this afternoon. I can't take off work/leave early since I did that yesterday (for RH) and it's the first week of school.
At least it's Friday, right?!?
UPDATE: (caution: I'm about to write some pretty gory details about my upset stomach)...
So, about 20 minutes after I wrote this, when I was literally about to leave for work, I threw up the water I had drinken (lovely). I managed to get to work, walked in and thought I would pass out right then & there. Told the administrative intern that I was sick (so thankful he's cool) and went back in the car for the 14 minute ride home. Promptly 7 minutes later I threw up IN THE CAR WHILE DRIVING. I had a bag, at least. Made it home (Thank you, G-d) and decided that I had Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS). Called the nurse at GW and she said it was a possibility and that I should be seen by a Doctor. Had S take off work to drive me 45 minutes to see my doctor (in case I got sick in the car again; can't be that safe)... by that time, my low-grade fever was gone and I was feeling a bit better. TSS was ruled out (shocker, right?) due to my unusually HIGH blood pressure (probably b/c I'm sick.... anyway, it's low with TSS) and lack of fever. Declared it a stomach bug and gave me some Zol.fran to help with the nausea (it has but has left me a little out of it). So, there you have it. What a way to start the (Jewish) New Year! Oy! I just hope and pray that S or A (or my mom) don't get it! I also hope I feel better to go to GW for my weekly appt tomorrow.... I'm out of food (almost) and I miss the classes. Here's hoping!!!
To make matters oh-so-worse Adam LOST.HIS.SH*T at my mom's house last night, in front of her boyfriend & his daughter. After being an angel all day, he started knocking stuff down and being a little terror. For real. It was awful & left me very upset... I'll leave it at that.
I'm leaving for work in a few minutes. I don't even know if I slept 3 hours last night. The cramps are not as bad today but I'm still a little nauseous and so emotionally & physically drained and exhausted that I'm seriously counting the hours until I can take a nap this afternoon. I can't take off work/leave early since I did that yesterday (for RH) and it's the first week of school.
At least it's Friday, right?!?
UPDATE: (caution: I'm about to write some pretty gory details about my upset stomach)...
So, about 20 minutes after I wrote this, when I was literally about to leave for work, I threw up the water I had drinken (lovely). I managed to get to work, walked in and thought I would pass out right then & there. Told the administrative intern that I was sick (so thankful he's cool) and went back in the car for the 14 minute ride home. Promptly 7 minutes later I threw up IN THE CAR WHILE DRIVING. I had a bag, at least. Made it home (Thank you, G-d) and decided that I had Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS). Called the nurse at GW and she said it was a possibility and that I should be seen by a Doctor. Had S take off work to drive me 45 minutes to see my doctor (in case I got sick in the car again; can't be that safe)... by that time, my low-grade fever was gone and I was feeling a bit better. TSS was ruled out (shocker, right?) due to my unusually HIGH blood pressure (probably b/c I'm sick.... anyway, it's low with TSS) and lack of fever. Declared it a stomach bug and gave me some Zol.fran to help with the nausea (it has but has left me a little out of it). So, there you have it. What a way to start the (Jewish) New Year! Oy! I just hope and pray that S or A (or my mom) don't get it! I also hope I feel better to go to GW for my weekly appt tomorrow.... I'm out of food (almost) and I miss the classes. Here's hoping!!!
Monday, September 6, 2010
week 8 update
My little love, A, starts preschool - officially - tomorrow. he'll be at the same school that he's been in for the last 2 years... but with a different teacher and mostly new classmates. we're BOTH nervous!!!
This could be why i'm so flippin' hungry tonight! gum is a lifesaver, though... i'm on my 2nd piece and it's helping to curb my cravings. shocking considering i never chewed gum until a few weeks ago.
One really cool part of losing weight is i can be in pictures again! even though i HATED (OMG) how i looked in photos for 3 years now -- and avoided them at all costs -- i still would take a pic of A and I together every month or so. i once read on a blog that kids want to see pics of them with their parents... regardless of how the parent looks... which i totally agree with. the great thing is now i ASK for steven to take my picture! such a change!
Above is a before/after "sitting down" pic with adam... the first pic was taken in june (pre weight loss) and the 2nd pic was taken yesterday (-43+ pounds down). pretty.freakin'.cool... if i do say so myself. =)
Overall, as I'm wrapping up week 8, I'm feeling very, very thankful. Thankful to G-d for giving me the strength to do this, thankful for GW's phenomenal program & thankful for family & friends who have loved me throughout... thick or thin (literally).
Saturday, September 4, 2010
43.6
I went into GW today, finally! it had been 9 days since i was last in the clinic and i was really missing the groups there. i was very happy to see that i lost 8.4 lbs since then... esp. since i had gained .6 during that weigh-in, even though i was following the program. anyway, i was definitely pleased - and relieved - that i'm continuing to lose. My first weigh-in (my highest weight) was on july 10th and i started the program (food-wise) on july 11th. in exactly one week, it will be 2 months on the program. Man, it seriously feels like TWO YEARS. anyway. the cool thing is that my bmi is .3 points away from being "severely obese" instead of "morbidly obese". i'm really hoping i'll hit that "milestone" in the upcoming week.
i meet with the endocrinologist doctor today, dr. m, since dr. f doesn't work on saturdays. she is also concerned about my anemia... ugh. she thinks i should have a colonoscopy to see if i have an ulcer if it doesn't improve more. lovely. i'm going to start taking 2 iron pills a day so i'm praying that my hemoglobin levels go up.
on another note, i haven't been as hungry lately which is definitely a positive. however, i felt like eating today to "celebrate" my loss. how ironic, huh?!?
i meet with the endocrinologist doctor today, dr. m, since dr. f doesn't work on saturdays. she is also concerned about my anemia... ugh. she thinks i should have a colonoscopy to see if i have an ulcer if it doesn't improve more. lovely. i'm going to start taking 2 iron pills a day so i'm praying that my hemoglobin levels go up.
on another note, i haven't been as hungry lately which is definitely a positive. however, i felt like eating today to "celebrate" my loss. how ironic, huh?!?
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Hungry Days - UPDATE
Ever since I started back to work (a week ago tomorrow, 3 days a week), I've been MUCH HUNGRIER... the hungriest I've been since I started this program.
It feels like physical hunger but I'm sure there's some "emotional hunger"mixed in. I ate more than 1/2 a jar of pickles today (I'm supposed to have 5 spears a day for the sodium) and that helped for the most part. I also nibbled a bit on A's chicken for dinner -- just a few bites, but still. I'm just... hungry. Ugh. I would love to eat anything I want now.... just eat & eat & eat.
I've felt very "challenged" on the program the last few days. I'm sticking to the plan (literally) but I don't want to! I want to EAT... and not healthy things either... just being honest here.
Hopefully it will get easier.
UPDATE: I ended up eating the whole huge jar of pickle spears. Oy. and I chewed 2 pieces of gum and I never chew gum....
It feels like physical hunger but I'm sure there's some "emotional hunger"mixed in. I ate more than 1/2 a jar of pickles today (I'm supposed to have 5 spears a day for the sodium) and that helped for the most part. I also nibbled a bit on A's chicken for dinner -- just a few bites, but still. I'm just... hungry. Ugh. I would love to eat anything I want now.... just eat & eat & eat.
I've felt very "challenged" on the program the last few days. I'm sticking to the plan (literally) but I don't want to! I want to EAT... and not healthy things either... just being honest here.
Hopefully it will get easier.
UPDATE: I ended up eating the whole huge jar of pickle spears. Oy. and I chewed 2 pieces of gum and I never chew gum....
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Beginning to see "me" again....
June 2010... and August 2010
Guess I really HAVE lost weight!
Funny, I got blonde highlights tonight (not on purpose but I like them... so weird to have anything "blonde" on me) and I had the receptionist at the salon take a picture... which I posted on my FB account. I got about 20 comments saying how great I look... wasn't really sure WHY, I mean it's just ME and I don't even think that picture is that great. However, my mom really loved it and, believe me, she would SO tell me if she didn't! So, I was going through pictures taken from a few months ago. There aren't that many since I was so big and didn't feel like me... like someone stuck in a huge fat suit that WON'T COME OFF without GREAT EFFORT, SWEAT AND TEARS. Guess I was right about THAT. Anyway, now I can see why everyone is making such a big deal (no pun intended)... I really do look significantly "less" and less is more, right? =)
Another positive... I was able to walk FAST, comfortably, in the mall tonight. Haven't been able to do that in a looooong time!
So why do I feel like EATING now? Probably b/c I feel happy and I equate happiness to food.... like in order to celebrate feeling good, I should eat... to celebrate. Just another feeling I'll have to work out in the months ahead.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
big time RANT (apologies in advance)
today was ROUGH, people. i'm struggling a bit. i've realized that i've "talked about my feelings" and cried more these past 7 weeks (since starting the program) than i probably have in a year!!!
part of the problem is i'm totally sleep deprived. i only slept 3-4 hours the past 2 nights. and it's 12:55 and i'm WIDE AWAKE. did i mention i'm waking up at 6? yep. i seriously have trouble functioning when i'm sleep deprived. i get a little manic and emotional. it's lovely. i managed to keep my cool at work (THANK G-D) but i lost my s*&t more or less when i went to gw tonight.
it started off with a trip to the scale when i got there. once again i was speechless and shocked. but not so much in a good way seeing that i f'ing GAINED 1.2 POUNDS WHILE PERFECTLYSTAYING ON THE PROGRAM and even walking a bit this week. WTF?!? (side note: after i, um, peed, i was only 1/2 pound up. but still... come on!!!). these are the thoughts that went through my head:
1. i'm being"punished" for being so excited and over confident about my weight loss... hence the weight gain.
2. my body is "rebelling"... i won't be able to lose any more weight and that terrifies me b/c, well, i kinda LOVE losing weight and feeling like myself again. and fitting into clothes. that's a big one. =)
3. my body is "used" to 900 calories a day (seriously, body?!?) and, therefore, i'm plateauing and need to decrease to 800 calories (i really hope it's not that... that really would be painful. literally). BTW... thanks, MOM, for suggesting that to me tonight!!! (yes, my mom did suggest that... no, she does not read this blog).
4. (the more rational thought): i lost a s*&tload of weight the past 3 weeks (16 pounds) so it's not *that bad* and i'm probably retaining some water.
because I'm f'ing exhausted, i'm going to go with #4. for this week, at least... and keep on keeping on... that phrase looks really weird written.
lots more to write about... like how i was a TOTAL FREAKSHOW (i'm so embarrassed!) during the 2nd group tonight which had to do with attachment theory when you're a baby. OMG, i really am MORTIFIED, people. wow. i'll try to post more of the details tomorrow.
for now, i REALLY hope i can get some sleep so i can funtion at work tomorrow.
oh, did i mention i didn't see my kid at all today? except for when he woke up all sleepy this morning and just wanted daddy... when he usually only wants me? i think he's mad that i'm back at work and not with him as much... i'm very sad about this. =(
oh, did i also mention that my husband and i had a really intense "conversation" tonight. yep.
that's all, folks (for tonight, at least!)... thanks for listening/reading...
B
p.s. any new readers? just curious...
part of the problem is i'm totally sleep deprived. i only slept 3-4 hours the past 2 nights. and it's 12:55 and i'm WIDE AWAKE. did i mention i'm waking up at 6? yep. i seriously have trouble functioning when i'm sleep deprived. i get a little manic and emotional. it's lovely. i managed to keep my cool at work (THANK G-D) but i lost my s*&t more or less when i went to gw tonight.
it started off with a trip to the scale when i got there. once again i was speechless and shocked. but not so much in a good way seeing that i f'ing GAINED 1.2 POUNDS WHILE PERFECTLYSTAYING ON THE PROGRAM and even walking a bit this week. WTF?!? (side note: after i, um, peed, i was only 1/2 pound up. but still... come on!!!). these are the thoughts that went through my head:
1. i'm being"punished" for being so excited and over confident about my weight loss... hence the weight gain.
2. my body is "rebelling"... i won't be able to lose any more weight and that terrifies me b/c, well, i kinda LOVE losing weight and feeling like myself again. and fitting into clothes. that's a big one. =)
3. my body is "used" to 900 calories a day (seriously, body?!?) and, therefore, i'm plateauing and need to decrease to 800 calories (i really hope it's not that... that really would be painful. literally). BTW... thanks, MOM, for suggesting that to me tonight!!! (yes, my mom did suggest that... no, she does not read this blog).
4. (the more rational thought): i lost a s*&tload of weight the past 3 weeks (16 pounds) so it's not *that bad* and i'm probably retaining some water.
because I'm f'ing exhausted, i'm going to go with #4. for this week, at least... and keep on keeping on... that phrase looks really weird written.
lots more to write about... like how i was a TOTAL FREAKSHOW (i'm so embarrassed!) during the 2nd group tonight which had to do with attachment theory when you're a baby. OMG, i really am MORTIFIED, people. wow. i'll try to post more of the details tomorrow.
for now, i REALLY hope i can get some sleep so i can funtion at work tomorrow.
oh, did i mention i didn't see my kid at all today? except for when he woke up all sleepy this morning and just wanted daddy... when he usually only wants me? i think he's mad that i'm back at work and not with him as much... i'm very sad about this. =(
oh, did i also mention that my husband and i had a really intense "conversation" tonight. yep.
that's all, folks (for tonight, at least!)... thanks for listening/reading...
B
p.s. any new readers? just curious...
Monday, August 23, 2010
On a HIGH....
I am beginning to feel GREAT!!! Here's why:
* I'm feeling healthier, lighter, etc.
* Today one of A's teachers commented that I've lost weight... and when I went to dinner with some friends, they were beyond complimentary... made me feel like I've lost 100 pounds (not yet).
* I fit into capri pants so I can wear them to the work retreat on Wed.... yay!
* I had S take some pics tonight.... not only do I look lighter, I look HAPPY (see above)
* I'm beginning to feel & look like ME again after 4 years! Sweet!
And... one thing that makes me a little nervous...
My thyroid meds have been reduced... hope that doesn't slow down my loss!
P.S. I'm beginning to "document" my weight loss in pics on the right side of the blog!
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Wrapping up week 6...
So... A does have Hand, Foot & Mo.uth, a terrible illness! He didn't eat for almost a week! He's finally on the mend, knock on wood! Of course, now my ear, throat and head is hurting... Oy. I can NOT afford to get sick now!!!
In weight-y news, the program continues to go well. I am just so happy with it. I absolutely love the groups/classes and it's nice having an afternoon in D.C. each week. I'm beginning to fit in my "old clothes" so my wardrobe is pretty big now. Most exciting is that I lost another 6 pounds this week... unreal! That brings my total t0 35.8! I know that the weight loss is going to slow down -- and soon -- but I'll take it when I can get it!!!
In "medical news", I got my blood work back. My thyroid is all over the place... I need less thryroid meds now, which is good -- from .187 to .150. My anemia is (slowly) getting better, too. However, my liver enzymes(?) were off... the count(?) went from 12 to 43. Dr. F says this can happen when people lose weight so he's just monitoring it for now. Always has to be something, right?!?
In weight-y news, the program continues to go well. I am just so happy with it. I absolutely love the groups/classes and it's nice having an afternoon in D.C. each week. I'm beginning to fit in my "old clothes" so my wardrobe is pretty big now. Most exciting is that I lost another 6 pounds this week... unreal! That brings my total t0 35.8! I know that the weight loss is going to slow down -- and soon -- but I'll take it when I can get it!!!
In "medical news", I got my blood work back. My thyroid is all over the place... I need less thryroid meds now, which is good -- from .187 to .150. My anemia is (slowly) getting better, too. However, my liver enzymes(?) were off... the count(?) went from 12 to 43. Dr. F says this can happen when people lose weight so he's just monitoring it for now. Always has to be something, right?!?
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Down on Main Street
I keep listening to the Bob Seg.er song,"Main Str.eet"I absolutely LOVE that song. I first "discovered" it when I was a senior back in high school, back in '93! My high school was on Main Street so this song always makes me nostalgic. It's a pretty cool song and helps me calm down when I'm feeling FRAZZLED AND STRESSED like I am now!!!
My 3-year-old, A, is sick. He has a terrible canker sore... or at least the Dr. thought that was all it was (with a slightly red ear and throat) on Monday. However, I found out today that 2 kids in his class have Hand, Foot and Mou.th disease.... so how coincidental is that? I'm sure that's what he has even though he doesn't have any other symptoms (fever, sores on hands, feet, etc.). Who knows. Spoke to the Dr. on call tonight and she said canker sores or H F M... both viruses and there's nothing you can do. Sigh. Adam is f'ing miserable!!! He can't eat, at all... 3 days now! He can sip juice or milk from a little straw, Thank G-d, but that's about it. He cries out in pain throughout the night (he's slept in our bed the last 3 nights) and will cry out in pain throughout the day. It's really lovely. Today he flippin' LOST IT for over an hour... just crying... hysterically... there was no reasoning with him.... it's like he lost his mind or something. Finally I convinced him to drink some juice and milk... and then, Thank G-d, he felt better and calmed down. Even played football with Daddy for an hour. Anyway, the whole thing has really gotten me on edge.
I also got a "welcome back to work" e-mail from my boss.... work starts back on Wed. We are having some time of retreat/outdoor activity the first day back. I need to wear shorts. I haven't worn shorts in 6 or 7 years. OMG. I'm also not really in shape, to say the least. And there's a bitg luncheon afterwards... we have to order now... I guess I'll just order a salad and pick at it. To say I'm already stressed about this is a very mild understatement.
I guess as a result of all the above, I'm HUNGRY tonight. I know it's more emotional hunger but it's hunger none-the-less. I'll be okay... just hoping my little love feels better tomorrow... and that it's a better day, overall. I have GW tomorrow so that will be good. I missed going today... I really like the Wednesday groups... hopefully I'll enjoy the groups tomorrow, too. Until then...
My 3-year-old, A, is sick. He has a terrible canker sore... or at least the Dr. thought that was all it was (with a slightly red ear and throat) on Monday. However, I found out today that 2 kids in his class have Hand, Foot and Mou.th disease.... so how coincidental is that? I'm sure that's what he has even though he doesn't have any other symptoms (fever, sores on hands, feet, etc.). Who knows. Spoke to the Dr. on call tonight and she said canker sores or H F M... both viruses and there's nothing you can do. Sigh. Adam is f'ing miserable!!! He can't eat, at all... 3 days now! He can sip juice or milk from a little straw, Thank G-d, but that's about it. He cries out in pain throughout the night (he's slept in our bed the last 3 nights) and will cry out in pain throughout the day. It's really lovely. Today he flippin' LOST IT for over an hour... just crying... hysterically... there was no reasoning with him.... it's like he lost his mind or something. Finally I convinced him to drink some juice and milk... and then, Thank G-d, he felt better and calmed down. Even played football with Daddy for an hour. Anyway, the whole thing has really gotten me on edge.
I also got a "welcome back to work" e-mail from my boss.... work starts back on Wed. We are having some time of retreat/outdoor activity the first day back. I need to wear shorts. I haven't worn shorts in 6 or 7 years. OMG. I'm also not really in shape, to say the least. And there's a bitg luncheon afterwards... we have to order now... I guess I'll just order a salad and pick at it. To say I'm already stressed about this is a very mild understatement.
I guess as a result of all the above, I'm HUNGRY tonight. I know it's more emotional hunger but it's hunger none-the-less. I'll be okay... just hoping my little love feels better tomorrow... and that it's a better day, overall. I have GW tomorrow so that will be good. I missed going today... I really like the Wednesday groups... hopefully I'll enjoy the groups tomorrow, too. Until then...
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Week 5 update
It has been too long since my last post!
I'm at the point where I think about my "weight loss journey" almost 24/7 which is annoying but also somewhat motivating. I'm kinda obsessed with it, to be quite honest. I record (on this great application I found for my phone) everything I eat... and I try to stay at 900 calories a day (which is what I'm supposed to be consuming for this program). I haven't really started exercising yet but I'm definitely walking more than I have been. We joined this awesome health club a few months ago and I finally found some work-out clothes that fit... so I hope to start actually going!
I lost 3.4 pounds this week which brings my total to 29.8 -- .2 pounds away from 30 pounds. Sweet!
The program has become a "habit" now... I really don't crave "real food" and I rarely get hungry which is kinda crazy... but I'm thankful for that. It has almost become effortless. I'm surprised that I don't miss food as much as I thought I would. I was so heavily "addicted" to sugar, carbs, etc. It's amazing that I can "survive" without sweets... at least for now. No, I'm thinking positive... one day at a time (even though now it's more like "one week at a time")... so far, so good! Yay!
I'm at the point where I think about my "weight loss journey" almost 24/7 which is annoying but also somewhat motivating. I'm kinda obsessed with it, to be quite honest. I record (on this great application I found for my phone) everything I eat... and I try to stay at 900 calories a day (which is what I'm supposed to be consuming for this program). I haven't really started exercising yet but I'm definitely walking more than I have been. We joined this awesome health club a few months ago and I finally found some work-out clothes that fit... so I hope to start actually going!
I lost 3.4 pounds this week which brings my total to 29.8 -- .2 pounds away from 30 pounds. Sweet!
The program has become a "habit" now... I really don't crave "real food" and I rarely get hungry which is kinda crazy... but I'm thankful for that. It has almost become effortless. I'm surprised that I don't miss food as much as I thought I would. I was so heavily "addicted" to sugar, carbs, etc. It's amazing that I can "survive" without sweets... at least for now. No, I'm thinking positive... one day at a time (even though now it's more like "one week at a time")... so far, so good! Yay!
Friday, August 6, 2010
1st vacation that didn't involve eating, drinking and MORE eating!!!
We are back from Oc.ean City... which was, overall, a really nice vacation. I was kinda dreading it for several reasons... one being that I wouldn't be able to eat like I normally would. Ever since I was little, vacation = yummy, yummy food. My whole family is super healthy and my mom always cooked us healthy meals growing up with very little junk around the house. When we were on vacation, we were allowed to eat junk. I still remember how excited I was in Dis.ney World (age 9 or 10) when my mom enthusiastically bought my little brother and I Mick.ey Mouse ice cream pops (the one of Mickey's head)... I was so surprised! Since then, I think I have equated vacation to "eating all the junk you want". As a result, I wasn't sure if I would be able to have a nice vacation while on my program (ridiculous, but true). My birthday was also on Saturday and, of course, that's another day where I've always eaten whatever I have wanted PLUS tons of cake. So, needless to say, I was a little concerned.
Shockingly, I found out that I could still have a wonderful vacation without hoarding tons of fried food into my mouth... who knew?!? Of course, I would've loved some crab legs (mmm) or funnel cake... but those things aren't going anywhere... I'll have them again, one day. For now, my "special treat" was a kid-size 98% fat free frozen yogurt at TC.BY. My only question is why did so many TC.BY's go out of business?!? It's truly delicious! Anyway... it felt really great to be "in control" at the beach. Instead of gaining my usual 5-10 pounds during a vacation, I lost 7.4 pounds. NIIICE. One night I was feeling really frustrated... definitely in the mood to eat eat eat but I had a good cry with my mom instead. I'm learning ways/strategies to handle things... besides eating... of course, this usually involves shopping, but I'm working on it. =)
Shockingly, I found out that I could still have a wonderful vacation without hoarding tons of fried food into my mouth... who knew?!? Of course, I would've loved some crab legs (mmm) or funnel cake... but those things aren't going anywhere... I'll have them again, one day. For now, my "special treat" was a kid-size 98% fat free frozen yogurt at TC.BY. My only question is why did so many TC.BY's go out of business?!? It's truly delicious! Anyway... it felt really great to be "in control" at the beach. Instead of gaining my usual 5-10 pounds during a vacation, I lost 7.4 pounds. NIIICE. One night I was feeling really frustrated... definitely in the mood to eat eat eat but I had a good cry with my mom instead. I'm learning ways/strategies to handle things... besides eating... of course, this usually involves shopping, but I'm working on it. =)
P.S. You see that birthday cake, up above? I only had 1 bite and really felt fine about it. Really. As corny as it sounds, I am seriously "choosing HEALTH" this year!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
26 pounds in 26 days!
I lost 7.4 pounds this week (unbelievable!) which brings my total to 26.4 lbs in 26 days.
YAHOO!!!
Lots more to write in the upcoming days!
YAHOO!!!
Lots more to write in the upcoming days!
Thursday, July 29, 2010
19 pounds less... & lab results
This was going to be a long post, one that i carefully prepared in my head during my metro ride home... but since it is 3:36 in the morning (YIKES!) and I'm about to pass out from pure exhaustion (had insomnia again last night/during nap time), I think I'll do this entry in bullet points (which is better than these long run-on sentences, don'tcha think?). Here goes:
* Went to GW (love that place!) to get weighed and meet with the incredible Dr. F. The good news is:
-- I lost another 2 pounds, bringing my total to 19 pounds in 2.5 weeks (since I actually started eating the food)
-- My blood pressure was the best it's been in forever: 125/85... yay!
-- Got my blood work back from Saturday... great news is that my blood sugar dropped from a borderline 101 to a very acceptable 87. HOORAY! Also, my triglycerides dropped from a very scary 290 (yikes) to 187... only 37 points above the range... MUCH better than before. =) My cholesterol, which was fine before at 187, dropped to 135. However, my "good cholesterol" dropped, too, and it was already super low to start with. So that's not good. At all. I really need to start working out to bring that number up.
-- My iron levels went up a tad... well, the "iron stores" went from -1 to 5 so that's an improvement. But my hemoglobin and white blood cell count and all these other lovely CBC(?) ranges were totally off. Which is kinda scary. Even though the numbers were slightly better than they were last month... except for my white blood cell count which WAS okay last month. Huh. Bottom line: need to take the iron pills twice a day even though they make me incredibly nauseous. =( I'm also seeing an ob/gyn for the first time in 2 weeks (don't judge... I really have neglected my health in all ways!). Dr. F thinks it's my uterine fibroid that may be the cause of losing blood which equals low iron. If that's the case, I'll probably need to get the fibroid out asap. My boss is going to LOVE that. One thing at a time, right?
-- Headed to Ocean City tomorrow. Staying with my mom and her "significant other". Should be an interesting trip...esp. since I'm staying on the program and can't fall back to my crutch, food. I've NEVER EVER EVER "dieted" on a vacation before so this should be interesting. Especially since I love crab legs dipped in butter. Um, yum. BUT i can always go to Red Lobster (or wherever) at any time so I should be okay.
-- Did I mention my 35th birthday is on Saturday?!? I'm wishing for GOOD HEALTH for me and my family this year!
-- One last note: Just curious if anyone is reading this blog? If you are, leave a comment... anonymous is fine! =)
* Went to GW (love that place!) to get weighed and meet with the incredible Dr. F. The good news is:
-- I lost another 2 pounds, bringing my total to 19 pounds in 2.5 weeks (since I actually started eating the food)
-- My blood pressure was the best it's been in forever: 125/85... yay!
-- Got my blood work back from Saturday... great news is that my blood sugar dropped from a borderline 101 to a very acceptable 87. HOORAY! Also, my triglycerides dropped from a very scary 290 (yikes) to 187... only 37 points above the range... MUCH better than before. =) My cholesterol, which was fine before at 187, dropped to 135. However, my "good cholesterol" dropped, too, and it was already super low to start with. So that's not good. At all. I really need to start working out to bring that number up.
-- My iron levels went up a tad... well, the "iron stores" went from -1 to 5 so that's an improvement. But my hemoglobin and white blood cell count and all these other lovely CBC(?) ranges were totally off. Which is kinda scary. Even though the numbers were slightly better than they were last month... except for my white blood cell count which WAS okay last month. Huh. Bottom line: need to take the iron pills twice a day even though they make me incredibly nauseous. =( I'm also seeing an ob/gyn for the first time in 2 weeks (don't judge... I really have neglected my health in all ways!). Dr. F thinks it's my uterine fibroid that may be the cause of losing blood which equals low iron. If that's the case, I'll probably need to get the fibroid out asap. My boss is going to LOVE that. One thing at a time, right?
-- Headed to Ocean City tomorrow. Staying with my mom and her "significant other". Should be an interesting trip...esp. since I'm staying on the program and can't fall back to my crutch, food. I've NEVER EVER EVER "dieted" on a vacation before so this should be interesting. Especially since I love crab legs dipped in butter. Um, yum. BUT i can always go to Red Lobster (or wherever) at any time so I should be okay.
-- Did I mention my 35th birthday is on Saturday?!? I'm wishing for GOOD HEALTH for me and my family this year!
-- One last note: Just curious if anyone is reading this blog? If you are, leave a comment... anonymous is fine! =)
Monday, July 26, 2010
ugh.
i felt crummy all day today.
actually it started around 11 when i took my slew of vitamins: mutlivitamin, potassium pill, vitamin D pill (all part of the program) and my iron supplement... i ate a yogurt immediately after taking them. 20 minutes later, i was ill. sooooo nauseus!!! for hours!!! needless to say, i did not take my iron supplement again tonight, even though i should. i'm going to buy the more expensive iron supplements, sl.ow fe, since they are easier on the stomach. let's hope so.
oh, did i mention that i barely slept last night and then A woke me up at 6:10.... and i couldn't get back to sleep? and i was too nauseous to nap... well, i was finally able to take a little nap but not long enough.....woke up all groggy and headache-y and have been since then.
and hungry. i've been quite hungry today. and yesterday. especially at night. as a result, i ate 5 proteins last night and tonight (instead of the 3-4 that i should have). ugh. i hope i still lose weight this week! if i feel better tomorrow, i am going to the gym. the good news is i found some work-out clothes that fit. granted, i don't look like a fitness model in them (haha), but at least they fit. i'm thinking of walking sloooowly at first since it's literally been years since i've even walked (since A was probably 1). i think a little exercise is better than none and it's a start.
going to watch some tv to hopefully chill out a bit. feel like i'm PMS-ing... certainly sounds that way, doesn't it?
actually it started around 11 when i took my slew of vitamins: mutlivitamin, potassium pill, vitamin D pill (all part of the program) and my iron supplement... i ate a yogurt immediately after taking them. 20 minutes later, i was ill. sooooo nauseus!!! for hours!!! needless to say, i did not take my iron supplement again tonight, even though i should. i'm going to buy the more expensive iron supplements, sl.ow fe, since they are easier on the stomach. let's hope so.
oh, did i mention that i barely slept last night and then A woke me up at 6:10.... and i couldn't get back to sleep? and i was too nauseous to nap... well, i was finally able to take a little nap but not long enough.....woke up all groggy and headache-y and have been since then.
and hungry. i've been quite hungry today. and yesterday. especially at night. as a result, i ate 5 proteins last night and tonight (instead of the 3-4 that i should have). ugh. i hope i still lose weight this week! if i feel better tomorrow, i am going to the gym. the good news is i found some work-out clothes that fit. granted, i don't look like a fitness model in them (haha), but at least they fit. i'm thinking of walking sloooowly at first since it's literally been years since i've even walked (since A was probably 1). i think a little exercise is better than none and it's a start.
going to watch some tv to hopefully chill out a bit. feel like i'm PMS-ing... certainly sounds that way, doesn't it?
Sunday, July 25, 2010
2 weeks down... um, about a gazillion weeks left!
So I've been on my "program" for 2 weeks now.... although, I swear, it feels like it's been 2 months (at least). I think I've read that it takes 3 weeks for something to become a "habit" so hopefully that will be soon. I'm still feeling pretty good, at least... besides my ridiculously low energy which is a result of my "terrible" (per the doctor) anemia and the fact that I barely sleep at night (I do take good naps, though). Anyway.... I am so thankful and happy to be on this program. Just wish I didn't have so much darn weight to lose. One day at a time, right?!?
Friday, July 23, 2010
starving
I've been starving the last 2 late nights! Jeez! Had an extra shake both nights. Hope it won't set me back. I do believe, however, if you are starving that's your body's way of saying "FEED ME"!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
17 lbs in 13 days!
So... I lost 4 lbs. this week... which makes a total of 17 lbs in 13 days -- actually 11 days from when I started the diet. Not tooshabby! Of course, I wanted to lose even more weight today - like my husband joked, I would've liked to have lost another 13 lbs. this week! I just have sooo much weight to lose -- actually, I would like to lose exactly 99.5 pounds from my weight today. But I need to be patient -- I've been basically binging for 3 years so it will probably take a year to lose it... and, hopefully, I will.
Still loving the program. Went to 2 group classes today and they were both awesome. I just love the leaders (psychiatrists and psychologists) and most (well, some) of the people are interesting. A lot of the people are a lot older (in their 50s & 60s, it seems) and not to be age-biased but I just can't relate as well. There were 2 young girls (prob. in their early-mid 20's) in the 2nd session... but they only had about 15 lbs. to lose... so, on that level, it's hard to relate to them, too.
Only problem is I'm really low energy -- probably due to my terrible anemia. I made the decision for A to go to Montessori every day now which I feel TERRIBLY GUILTY about. I'm just having trouble keeping up with him these days... especially since he rarely naps now... so it's a very long day. That being said, I absolutely LOVE being with him -- he's my everything and I love and adore him more than I could ever express. However, I need to focus on ME... I have to. I have 1 month b/f heading back to work (3 days a week) and August is crammed with GW appts and classes, dentist appts and I'm finally seeing an ob/gyn about my lovely fibroid. I'm also on a mission to get our house totally organized which is a HUGE JOB. Another issue is that I don't sleep much at night (maybe 4-5 hours) and then I nap (3-4) hours each day. I need to, obviously, change this... especially since I read that getting less than 6 hours of sleep a night can actually be a huge risk factor for diabetes and heart disease.
Anyway, that's about it for now. I'm definitely loving this program and it feels soooo great to be IN CONTROL again. I wish I joined the program 2 years ago like I wanted to but... better late than never, right?!?
Still loving the program. Went to 2 group classes today and they were both awesome. I just love the leaders (psychiatrists and psychologists) and most (well, some) of the people are interesting. A lot of the people are a lot older (in their 50s & 60s, it seems) and not to be age-biased but I just can't relate as well. There were 2 young girls (prob. in their early-mid 20's) in the 2nd session... but they only had about 15 lbs. to lose... so, on that level, it's hard to relate to them, too.
Only problem is I'm really low energy -- probably due to my terrible anemia. I made the decision for A to go to Montessori every day now which I feel TERRIBLY GUILTY about. I'm just having trouble keeping up with him these days... especially since he rarely naps now... so it's a very long day. That being said, I absolutely LOVE being with him -- he's my everything and I love and adore him more than I could ever express. However, I need to focus on ME... I have to. I have 1 month b/f heading back to work (3 days a week) and August is crammed with GW appts and classes, dentist appts and I'm finally seeing an ob/gyn about my lovely fibroid. I'm also on a mission to get our house totally organized which is a HUGE JOB. Another issue is that I don't sleep much at night (maybe 4-5 hours) and then I nap (3-4) hours each day. I need to, obviously, change this... especially since I read that getting less than 6 hours of sleep a night can actually be a huge risk factor for diabetes and heart disease.
Anyway, that's about it for now. I'm definitely loving this program and it feels soooo great to be IN CONTROL again. I wish I joined the program 2 years ago like I wanted to but... better late than never, right?!?
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Week one -- success!
I've officially been on "the program" for one week now. It's getting easier.... hooray! I'm now craving the program's shakes and, um, pickles as opposed to my usual cravings (anything fattening and/or carb-y and/or fried). So I'm excited about that. I really & truly don't feel starving (unless it's been a significant amount of time from when I last ate) which is so nice. Dr. F and I talked about how I'll probably always feel a little hungry... but not ravished/starved/etc... the "oh, sure, I could eat something" (as Dr. F put it) kind of hunger. I'm so used to wanting to/needing to feeling FULL before that it's a somewhat new sensation. I literally ate EVERYTHING I WANTED for the last 3 years... so I think both my body is kinda thankful that I'm treating it a little bit better now. =)
Here's to a successful week 2. Overall for tonight.... an 8.
Here's to a successful week 2. Overall for tonight.... an 8.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Days 4& 5
Oh no... I forgot to post yesterday. Oh well... yesterday was fine...
Today was more interesting. Went in to GW for my 1st weigh-in... I lost THIRTEEN POUNDS! Crazy! In 5 days! Pretty cool. The only thing is I did NOT want to know my weight.... and I saw it... ugh. It's pretty bad. I've gained, no exaggeration, 100 pounds since we got married 7 years ago. AAGH. So now I want to/should/have to/would love to/am motivated to lose 100 lbs. Wow, that number is HUGE. So we'll see. One pound at a time. I have to say that seeing how much I weighed was a major reality check for me... maybe one I needed. And now I can graph my weight on my phone applications.... pretty cool... hey, it's the small stuff.
Also got some more kinda scary news from Dr. F, who I'm beginning to really like (and not just b/c he started this program 30 years ago). Last week I had some blood work and it seems that I have an "elevated increased c reactive protein"... of course, I had no clue what that meant. Dr. F explained that it measures if you are at risk of going into cardiac arrest (aka - having a heart attack). Your number should be 1 or 2... numbers between 3 - 10 show an elevation... numbers above 10 mean, in Dr. F's words, "something else is going on". My number is 16.6... OMG. Dr. F said it may be b/c of my uterine fibroid, my severe anemia or from just being so overweight. He seems confident that the number will go down after I lose weight. Dr. Google (haha) also mentioned that weight can cause elevations... mine being "moderately elevated". I'm TRYING not to panic about this now.... and just to continue to lose weight. I also want to start exercising... SLOWLY.... walking, swimming, etc. Just moving.
I also went to my first "group" at GW on stress management and loved it (of course). The psychiatrist who led it, Dr. B, was awesome. I want to go back tomorrow for more groups. Too bad it's just a schlep to get to GW!
Last note... I told my SIL about the program and she was really cool and supportive. Love her!
Today's "ranking".... 8. =) Feeling Better!
Today was more interesting. Went in to GW for my 1st weigh-in... I lost THIRTEEN POUNDS! Crazy! In 5 days! Pretty cool. The only thing is I did NOT want to know my weight.... and I saw it... ugh. It's pretty bad. I've gained, no exaggeration, 100 pounds since we got married 7 years ago. AAGH. So now I want to/should/have to/would love to/am motivated to lose 100 lbs. Wow, that number is HUGE. So we'll see. One pound at a time. I have to say that seeing how much I weighed was a major reality check for me... maybe one I needed. And now I can graph my weight on my phone applications.... pretty cool... hey, it's the small stuff.
Also got some more kinda scary news from Dr. F, who I'm beginning to really like (and not just b/c he started this program 30 years ago). Last week I had some blood work and it seems that I have an "elevated increased c reactive protein"... of course, I had no clue what that meant. Dr. F explained that it measures if you are at risk of going into cardiac arrest (aka - having a heart attack). Your number should be 1 or 2... numbers between 3 - 10 show an elevation... numbers above 10 mean, in Dr. F's words, "something else is going on". My number is 16.6... OMG. Dr. F said it may be b/c of my uterine fibroid, my severe anemia or from just being so overweight. He seems confident that the number will go down after I lose weight. Dr. Google (haha) also mentioned that weight can cause elevations... mine being "moderately elevated". I'm TRYING not to panic about this now.... and just to continue to lose weight. I also want to start exercising... SLOWLY.... walking, swimming, etc. Just moving.
I also went to my first "group" at GW on stress management and loved it (of course). The psychiatrist who led it, Dr. B, was awesome. I want to go back tomorrow for more groups. Too bad it's just a schlep to get to GW!
Last note... I told my SIL about the program and she was really cool and supportive. Love her!
Today's "ranking".... 8. =) Feeling Better!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Day 3
Day 3... kinda sucks. I think reality has hit... that this is IT for the next 4/5 months... all I will be eating/drinking are shakes, protein bars, yogurt and PICKLES. Fortunately, the bars are delicious and the shakes are decent. But, ya know, I LOVE FOOD so this is TOUGH. The program literature states that most people are "comfortable, not hungry" on it. Fortunately, this is true for the most part. The only time I feel real HUNGER is at night which is why I'm adding an extra milk/protein to the diet. I'm feeling guilty about it even though one Dr said I should have 4 a day and the other Dr said 3.... but 4, if needed. Well, it's needed. i can not go to bed hungry. Besides that, I am feeling a little hungry all day, every day (well, after 12 noon I should say.... I don't get hungry before then, typically). One yogurt or protein bar (I have them separately so I can eat more during the day) is NOT going to fully quench my hunger... but it takes off the edge... and I find something else to occupy my time/thoughts... mainly A... or my new phone (loving the iphone!!!), TV, etc. Shallow, but true. I also like reading, hot baths, etc... so I do have a few other "crutches" besides eating, at least. And shopping. Love shopping. Especially for A. And hopefully for me again one day... one of the reasons why I'm doing this... anyway -- I'm hoping to start reading the new Geneen Roth book tonight on emotional eating and all that fun stuff.
Today was a 5... I know the first few weeks are tough, gotta keep going... I'm hoping to go in to GW on Friday.
Today was a 5... I know the first few weeks are tough, gotta keep going... I'm hoping to go in to GW on Friday.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Day 2
Strange day.... slept only 4 hours last night so after I dropped A (my 3 year old) off at "camp", I slept most of the day. One way to not get hungry, haha. Anyway, I really didn't feel hungry until a few hours ago. Last night I had an extra protein bar and felt fine after that.
I did crave a Rita's gelato (cookies & cream with vanilla custard - um, YUM) but the craving didn't last too long, thank goodness.
Besides that, doing okay... but hungry now... therefore today is a... 6!
I did crave a Rita's gelato (cookies & cream with vanilla custard - um, YUM) but the craving didn't last too long, thank goodness.
Besides that, doing okay... but hungry now... therefore today is a... 6!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Day 1
I joined a local university's weight program yesterday. Today, after a HUGE "last supper" (tuna melt, cheese fries & sundae/cake from "Friendly's" - um.yum.), I started the program.
The program consists of 800 calories. that's right. 800. it's considered a "modified fasting diet". ya think? complete abstinence from "real food" besides yogurt & pickles. it's what i need.
today went well, for the most part. my stomach hurt a little bit, prob. from the ginormous multivitamin. ugh. i didn't feel real HUNGER until a few hours ago. as a result, i ate an extra protein bar. which, in my mind, is okay since the dr. i met with a few weeks ago said i should havd 4 a day, not 3. the head honcho doctor yesterday said "try 3... add another if you need to". anyway... more on, um, everything tomorrow. just wanted to start documenting asap.
overall today... a 7. i'm on my way. =)
The program consists of 800 calories. that's right. 800. it's considered a "modified fasting diet". ya think? complete abstinence from "real food" besides yogurt & pickles. it's what i need.
today went well, for the most part. my stomach hurt a little bit, prob. from the ginormous multivitamin. ugh. i didn't feel real HUNGER until a few hours ago. as a result, i ate an extra protein bar. which, in my mind, is okay since the dr. i met with a few weeks ago said i should havd 4 a day, not 3. the head honcho doctor yesterday said "try 3... add another if you need to". anyway... more on, um, everything tomorrow. just wanted to start documenting asap.
overall today... a 7. i'm on my way. =)
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