funnel cake!

so, yeah, i had funnel cake on saturday. one of my all-time favorite foods. we were at a "family fun day" and i split it with S and A, at least. and i didn't binge afterwards - or even want to. just trying to wrap my head around the fact that i can occasionally have "treats" and that i'm not being "bad".

in other news, still maintaining (i think - will go to GW on thursday for the first time in 2 weeks). i'm weighing myself at home every day on an old scale. it's kinda freaking me out since it fluctuates so much. i'm still eating more calories than i should/need to - prob. about 2000 a day. hoping to change that to 1500 as i want to lose 10 pounds before i'm a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding in 6 weeks! i lost 100 pounds in a little over 6 months and it's been exactly 3 months and i haven't even lost another 10 pounds (9 to be exact). frustrating! especially since it's ME - i'm the one eating more. ever since i've gone back to work full-time. sigh. well, at least i'm IN CONTROL - not binging - and not gaining weight. this summer i really truly hope to lose the last 20-30 pounds. sigh.

that being said, i am very (very!) thankful and grateful to be at the weight i'm at. to be able to wear cute clothes and feel confident and like myself. it's AWESOME.

hanging in...

i have lots to write about but i'm exhausted - shocker,right?!? it's 1:37 am and i obviously should be in bed but since it's my last night of "spring break" (aka "the last morning i don't have to wake up at 6:30 am"), i'm "taking advantage" of my natural night-owl hours. oy... i so wish spring break wasn't ending! i love my job - really, i do - but it's so nice being OFF. FREEDOM to do what i want to do. love it!

we went to b'ham for Passover and it was, overall, a decent trip. A was well-behaved which was such a blessing! he seemed to enjoy being there, too (see photo - he loved swimming in my in-laws pool!). my MIL was fairly decent except for one crazy zinger. we are like oil and water... wow. anyway, i ate what i wanted - whatever i wanted, for the most part (didn't binge, though, just "gave in" to cravings) - for 3 days straight. it felt so... good... and "bad" at the same time. since i was eating really well on plan B the week before i managed not to lose any weight (actually lost a half a pound) so that was a relief. since we've been back, i'm back up to about 2000 calories a day. nothing too crazy but not where i was pre-trip (around 1500 calories a day). i hope to be back on track once spring break is over (in 1 day)! well, routine is good for eating purposes, at least. i hope to start walking again at night, too.

i've been shopping like there's no tomorrow. i'm LOVING it. i'm a size 14 or 16 pants (depending on the brand, fit, etc.) and a size 14 top and dress. i'm still buying XL tops even though i fit in most L tops. i have extra skin above my hips, though, which show if the top is form-fitting. :( i finally bought a new bra today - 38C - even though i'm prob. more like a D - i feel like my chest hasn't "shrunk" too much. last time i lost weight, it really did so it's kinda odd. however, i have lost a significant amount on most other areas so i'm not complaining... too much, that is.

that's about it. oh, A has been stuttering again which worries me. he stuttered for about a month almost 2 years ago and then it went away... now it's back... and my husband is a recovering stutterer (even though he says he still stutters, i never notice) and it is genetic. so... that's been on my mind. i'll probably see if it goes away in the upcoming weeks - if not, i'll look into it. it's always something!!! besides that, 4 has been great so far - knock on wood, i hope i didn't just jinx it! A has been much more cooperative and less tantrum-y. very thankful for that. he's such a sweetheart - he's my heart - there are no words for the love that we have for each other. anyway... i hope to post again soon AND i hope to start losing an average of 2 pounds a week again! would love to lose 10-15 more pounds before my brother's wedding on 6.18!

the latest...

Once again, where to begin? I guess at the beginning, it's a very good place to start... apparently, I have "The Sound of Music" in my head. :) Anyway...

Last week was SO BUSY and I have a feeling it's going to be this way until winter break (which starts next Wed. for me - Yahoo!). As a result, I had that terrible insomnia last week which, thank goodness, "cured" itself on Friday night for the most part. Since then, I've been sleeping 4-5 hours stretches at a time, going to bed earlier, and usually able to fall back asleep if I've woken up at 4 in the morning (usually due to A climbing into our bed at that time). So, that's definitely a positive.

When I went into GW last week, I was happily surprised to see that I lost 4.2 pounds which puts my total at 84 - at almost 5 months from my starting date. WHEEE!!! Very, very cool!!! I was super excited as I've never lost this much weight before (and will hopefully never have to do so again) let alone in such a short timespan. It is kinda incredible, I have to say. The coolest part is probably clothing and feeling more confident (besides feeling lighter, being healthier, etc.).

I have always been a huge "clotheshorse" (do people even use that expression anymore?!?) and when I hit my heaviest weight this summer (unpublishable until I hit 100 lbs. gone!) I seriously could not fit into anything except super baggy tops and elastic skirts. Fortunately, Dress Ba.rn has really nice & comfortable plus size clothes so I fit into 2 of their dresses, as well. However, everything still felt tight. I hadn't worn pants or jeans since I had been pregnant (mid-late 2006, early 2007). Winter clothes were terrible since I had to wear skirts in the freezing cold. I felt bad and I know I didn't look too hot either. NOW, I can FINALLY wear PANTS again!!! Yahoo!!! I am the proud owner of 2 pairs of cords from Tal.bots and 1 pair of Le.vi's jeans! They are a size 20 BUT I fit into an 18 (but they were clearly too tight). Most importantly, I think I look halfway decent in them (hopefully) and they're WARM and COMFORTABLE. Sooo nice! I can now fit into almost any top/shirt. I'm still buying 2x b/c I really love being able to feel clothes a bit loose on me as it's been SO LONG since I've felt that. Now when I go places, I don't feel "huge". It's the best feeling!

All that being said, I am not at my lowest weight, not nearly. I am still about 35 pounds heavier than I was when my husband met me 11 years ago... and a whopping 55 pounds heavier than my "thinnest" weight (when I was a size 10). I am only about 15 pounds heavier, though, than my "usual" comfortable weight which gives you an idea of how incredibly heavy I got in the past 3-4 years. What's interesting is that most of my local friends & all of my current co-workers have only known me to be extremely overweight... so, to them, I'm "skinny"... if that makes sense. I literally hear about my weight 2 - 5 times a day. From EVERYONE. Even some teacher at A's school who I've only seen in passing. I'm glad that my husband (S) gets where I'm coming from ; he's actually been great about the weight loss. He's complimentary (and relieved!) but not to the point where I feel like all I am is a "weight" to him... if that makes sense at all. He doesn't talk about my weight 24/7 (he never did). Which I kinda like b/c sometimes I feel that all I am is my size... whether it's morbidly obese or 84 pounds thinner. This probably doesn't make any sense at all which I apologize for... it's hard to put these thoughts & feelings into words.

Moving on... S and I attended a black-tie affair, the "Moonlight Ball", with my Mom and Marty on Saturday night. I have to admit that I felt AWESOME in my purple dress (size 18)! I was going to buy my usual black dress but saw the purple dress, which was marked down significantly, and loved the color & neckline... see photos above. The ball itself was kinda boring which I feel guilty saying, but it was! I was also a little tired and in a grumpy/negative mood. Not sure where that was coming from. I know I was annoyed at S but for no "real" reason. So, to be honest, the night itself wasn't all that great. Regarding food, I ate some appetizers (baba ghanoush - yum!) but didn't overdo it. I ordered the vegeterian entree which was some nasty tofu. Grosssssssssss. So, I made up for it during dessert. I kinda went nuts. They had a dessert buffet with a chocolate fountain and fresh fruit. And pastries. Lots of pastries. What can I say? I ate dessert until I felt sick. In retrospect, I don't think I ate THAT much (the equivalent probably to 1, maybe 2, dessert portions) but for me it was obviously a lot. Ironically enough, the "me" 6 months ago would've eaten the equivalent of 5 desserts. Anyway... I did love the chocolate fondue strawberries and jelly cookies... and promptly felt quite ill about 10 minutes after eating them... and kept feeling ill for 24 hours afterwards! Seriously! It felt like a "sugar hangover". I was nauseous and felt achy for an entire day afterwards. Which I guess is a sign that I can't overeat sugar/fat anymore. Which is possibly a good thing. Now will that stop me at another black-tie affair with a dessert bar? Probably not... time will tell. Fortunately, I was able to go right back on program yesterday without a problem. I hope I didn't gain weight from Saturday night - I know I'll be discouraged if I do - time will tell.

I think that's enough for now. If you've read all this, I'm impressed - and thankful for your interest! ;) More again, hopefully soon!

cupcakes, clothing & comments

Ahh, the holidays are upon us. They are my favorite time of the year (and I don't even celebrate Christmas!). I love the spirit, camaraderie, longer shopping hours & sales, holiday decorations, holiday cards and, of course, Christmas cookies (and all other carb-y & sugar-y) treats. Speaking of which...

I struggled a bit this weekend staying on the program. I made the mistake of signing the family up for "CUPCAKES & cocoa with the snow princess" at a local holiday event. BIG MISTAKE. Mainly b/c it was overpriced and lame (the "snow princess" was a 20-year-old dressed as a ballerina. I was expecting the snow princess from Do.ra!). The "event" was color a picture, pick out a cupcake and get your photo taken with the not-so-snowy princess. Lame-O. But, the cupcakes, wooooooooow. They were from George.town Cupcake which is the cupcake place featured on one of those food shows. And O.M.G. were they GOOOOOD. Have I ever mentioned that cupcakes are like my favorite food, EVER? Yep. We got to pick out 4- we had 1 vanilla cupcake/vanilla icing, 1 red velvet & 2 chocolate cupcake/vanilla icing -- my absolute FAVORITE combination. The icing was probably 2 inches tall and soooo good! The chocolate cupcake and red velvet one was outstanding however the vanilla cupcake wasn't that great. Now, how would I know this? By taking a "sliver" of each cupcake - which probably lead to about a whole cupcake eaten. Gulp. I felt terribly guilty afterwards AND upset at myself for not trying the chocolate cupcake with chocolate icing. Go figure. Anyway, I really did want to try these infamous cupcakes (still not as good as "Sprink.les" in Los Angeles) and it's not like I ate all 4 (which I totally would've done 5 months ago - and then drove to DC to get more!!!). I don't know how, in retrospect, I would've handled it. I knew what I was "getting into" when I signed us up for this event. I wanted to "try" one of the cupcakes. And I did. Game over. Or whatever. What I DID do was eat more the rest of the weekend. Nothing crazy, though. I forgot to pack bars on Saturday so I had the garden chicken salad at Chick.Fil.A (180 calories with a little bit of non-fat dressing and a handful of croutons - about 250 calories total), a couple of handfuls of low calorie potato chips (which my husband REALLY needs to stop buying!!!) and a few bites of my son's pizza slice and soft pretzel at a kid's concert yesterday. Oh, and an extra bar & yogurt each day. Definitely not on a binge but not as conscientous as usual. I'm hoping to be 100% until Thursday and then eat a "portion-controlled" (that is such an unattractive word) meal - trying everything but not going overboard. I'm not going back to GW until Saturday so it will be interesting to see how my weight is. Speaking of which, I "only" lost 2.4 pounds this past week. I say "only" because I was "perfect" and was hoping to lose more. I'm still a little nuts about this, I know. The good news is that I officially hit 75 pounds which brings me to my next topic...

CLOTHES. I went to the Tal.bots outlet (which isn't really outlet-ly but whatever) and they had a great selection of plus-sized clothing. For the first time in 6 years I fit into a size 20. Woohoo! I ended up buying 2 pairs of size 22 pants (more comfortable - the 20 fit but was a little snug) and lots of sweaters & tops that fit really nicely. It was a GREAT FEELING. I'm literally wearing pants again for the first time in SIX YEARS even though, according to my husband, I look at least 10 pounds bigger in them than I do in skirts/dresses. Whatever. They're COMFORTABLE and more appropriate weather-wise.

Last topic - COMMENTS. I receive 1 - 5 comments/compliments on my weight nearly every day. It's strange b/c the people at my work and at A's school have only known me since I've been "morbidly obese" (another remarkably attractive phrase, isn't it?!?). Anyway, they don't know that I was only "that big" for 2-3 years and I'm still "big", for me, at my current weight (but only by 20-40 pounds now, yay!). Some people get sooo excited which is cute and yet disconcerting at times. Usually the comments are benign -- "you look great" -- which I appreciate getting. But some comments - wow. Like when a fellow mom at A's school said that "I look my age" and "more normal" now. REALLY?!? I think it's partially a cultural/language issue and she is the sweetest lady but HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO THAT?!? Also, yesterday I ran into an older woman that I've known my whole life (Evie S.) but haven't seen in years. She said that she didn't recognize me. I'm not sure if this is because I look much better or much worse than the last time she saw me. It really depends on when that was.

Anyway - think that's enough for today. I really should write more often but I usually don't have the time or energy to do so. I'm off ALL WEEK from work for T'giving break... sweeet... so I hope to post again soon. If not, I'm wishing all my readers/supporters a wonderful Turkey Day! =)