hanging in...

i have lots to write about but i'm exhausted - shocker,right?!? it's 1:37 am and i obviously should be in bed but since it's my last night of "spring break" (aka "the last morning i don't have to wake up at 6:30 am"), i'm "taking advantage" of my natural night-owl hours. oy... i so wish spring break wasn't ending! i love my job - really, i do - but it's so nice being OFF. FREEDOM to do what i want to do. love it!

we went to b'ham for Passover and it was, overall, a decent trip. A was well-behaved which was such a blessing! he seemed to enjoy being there, too (see photo - he loved swimming in my in-laws pool!). my MIL was fairly decent except for one crazy zinger. we are like oil and water... wow. anyway, i ate what i wanted - whatever i wanted, for the most part (didn't binge, though, just "gave in" to cravings) - for 3 days straight. it felt so... good... and "bad" at the same time. since i was eating really well on plan B the week before i managed not to lose any weight (actually lost a half a pound) so that was a relief. since we've been back, i'm back up to about 2000 calories a day. nothing too crazy but not where i was pre-trip (around 1500 calories a day). i hope to be back on track once spring break is over (in 1 day)! well, routine is good for eating purposes, at least. i hope to start walking again at night, too.

i've been shopping like there's no tomorrow. i'm LOVING it. i'm a size 14 or 16 pants (depending on the brand, fit, etc.) and a size 14 top and dress. i'm still buying XL tops even though i fit in most L tops. i have extra skin above my hips, though, which show if the top is form-fitting. :( i finally bought a new bra today - 38C - even though i'm prob. more like a D - i feel like my chest hasn't "shrunk" too much. last time i lost weight, it really did so it's kinda odd. however, i have lost a significant amount on most other areas so i'm not complaining... too much, that is.

that's about it. oh, A has been stuttering again which worries me. he stuttered for about a month almost 2 years ago and then it went away... now it's back... and my husband is a recovering stutterer (even though he says he still stutters, i never notice) and it is genetic. so... that's been on my mind. i'll probably see if it goes away in the upcoming weeks - if not, i'll look into it. it's always something!!! besides that, 4 has been great so far - knock on wood, i hope i didn't just jinx it! A has been much more cooperative and less tantrum-y. very thankful for that. he's such a sweetheart - he's my heart - there are no words for the love that we have for each other. anyway... i hope to post again soon AND i hope to start losing an average of 2 pounds a week again! would love to lose 10-15 more pounds before my brother's wedding on 6.18!

Plan B (& other news)

well, i have written a TON of blog posts recently... in my head,at least! unfortunately, they have not made it to paper in recent weeks due to incredible busy-ness (that's a word, right?:)), exhaustion and not enough hours in the day - or, more accurately, in the night since i'm a night owl. ;)

overall, things have been... pretty good. fortunately, i got over my "slump" shortly after i wrote the last post. knowing that my "baby" was turning 4 made me very emotional, esp. since i don't know if i'll be having more children (which i'm currently completely undecided about... and i think about this ALL.THE.TIME.). sigh. i took most of the day off (from work) on his birthday on march 28th. it was a really good decision as he was SO HAPPY when i surprised him by coming home from work shortly after he woke up, with 8 balloons (his favorite) for him. he was so thrilled that he even let me take my photo with him (he usually hates it when i take pictures since i take soooo many)! See photos above... his smile made it all worth it! i also got to surprise him at school when he celebrated his birthday there and he loved his birthday cake that night. it turned out to be a very special day... as the last 4 years with him have been filled of. he really is the love of my life. we love listening to that song by car.ly si.mon together... which is used to sing to him when he was a baby. he told me on his birthday "mommy, you're the love of my life". sooo sweet, that child is. usually!!! actually, minus our trip to tar.get yesterday, when he was terrible (ugh), 4 has been great... knock on wood.

in other news... i am continuing to lost 1 pound a week eating 1800-2000 calories of bars/yogurt and eating out once a week. i'm very active in the sense that i move around a lot and i'm never sitting still for long - so that has been a blessing. i've also started walking a few times a week. however, i would like to lose 2 pounds a week so i'm cutting my calories down to about 1400 a day. i'm officially on "plan B" now where i eat lunch & dinner (real meals! usually le.an cui.sines or tuna) and have bars/yogurts for breakfast, a snack after work and a snack before bed. i'm feeling MUCH less hungry this way and it's nice to eat again. :) i do feel "in control" which is great. however, the saying "don't have it in the house" couldn't be more true! since i can technically eat "real food" now, i've bought reduced fat/calorie potato chips, ch.ex mix, chocolate graham cracker gold.fish, etc. i've also bought honey-roasted almonds (good protein) and i bought pe.eps yesterday (lots of sugar but no fat/few calories). the problem is these are mainly salts/sugars and even though 1 serving is okay, i usually have trouble stopping at 1 (shocker, right?). so i end up eating 200 calories (at least) worth purely due to emotional eating and the fact that i'm craving salt these days. so i'm going to have to stop buying these items. for now, at least. besides that, program B has been great.

so that's the scoop over here. overall, not too many complaints (knock on wood). hope all my readers are doing well, too... i plan to catch up on my blog reading next week (spring break - yahoo)!!! have a good day, everyone!!! :)

p.s. will update weight chart later - i'm down 108.5 now!

- sleep + stress = :o(

the title of my post says it all -- not enough sleep PLUS added stress has equaled to an anxious/overwhelmed me. not too terribly surprising, i'm turning to food to self-soothe/regulate my emotions (thank you, GW, for that expression!). fortunately, i'm not binging or even eating anything "off plan" (besides the occasional v-day chocolate yesterday) but i've continued to eat 5-6 proteins bar AND 5-6 yogurts a day instead of my usual 4. as a result, i was up a pound last week (most likely due to water retention from lack of sleep - but still) and i'm more likely maintaining instead of losing. plus (no pun intended!), i feel slightly "out of control" (food-wise) when i'm eating more than i should. some of it is really due to pure hunger and some is more emotional and raw. when i'm tired, i'm literally hungry. and i've been tired A LOT due to my increased work schedule (now working full-time for the 1st time in 4 years) and the fact that A has a cold and has been very clingy (esp. at night - coming in to my bed several times a night) since i started back to work FT. so my numero uno emotion today is EXHAUSTION.

following behind a close 2nd is GUILT... a nasty emotion, one of the therapists noted at GW last week. i feel VERY GUILTY for working FT and not seeing A in the mornings all week (not till 5-6 pm each night). i feel VERY GUILTY for not picking A up earlier at night b/c i try to sneak in a nap (due to the lack of sleep - see numero uno) before picking him up. i also feel guilty for sleeping a lot this weekend (catching up on sleep) instead of being with him more. :( as a result, he was TERRIBLE last night. one of his worst evenings yet. very attention-seeking (such as purposely peeing on the floor), wild (throwing things), not affectionate, yelling, demanding, etc. which of course makes me want to spend even LESS time with him when he is so obviously crying out for MORE time with me. i feel guilty even writing that but it's the truth. I LOVE MY CHILD MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD!!! sometimes it's hard, though. and very worrisome when he's acting out so much. :( i'm trying not to overthink it YET since this is still a new transition (the working FT thing) and just hoping for better days/nights ahead.

speaking of which, i need to get ready for work. hopefully i won't jinx it when i say that is going well (knock on wood). last week was School Counselor Week and i received the sweetest cards from my students. my principal bought me a lovely fruit arrangement and attached a really nice note. i do love my job and if i have to work FT, i'm definitely happy to be at my current job. it's the working FT part that's difficult - or, more precisely, NOT having monday & wednesdays "off" that's hard. sigh. all right - will stop complaining now - thanks, whoever is out there reading, for listening to my rants & raves...

one more thing -- on a positive note, my blood work was GREAT last week. all my tests came back normal, i'm not at all anemic anymore (hard to believe i ever chewed ice - such a classic anemia symptom, though), and even my "good" cholesterol is better even though the dr. said that number is "false" since i'm on such a low-calorie diet now. whatever, i'll take whatever good news i can get. :)

ch-ch-ch-CHANGES

as my post title mentions, i'm going through lots of changes and not just of the weight-loss type. the biggest news is that, starting tomorrow, i'll be working FULL-TIME (5 days a week) instead of 3 days as week like i have been the last 1.5 years. overall, this is a good thing and something i wanted (i think). long story short... i love my job and the school that i'm at... so when my supervisor asked if i was interested working FT now - which, ultimately, should allow me to stay at my current school next year, too - i said i would be. i didn't think it would happen so fast, though. i'm a little nervous about giving up my "2 days off" (which have been heavenly and so crucial for my weight-loss - having time for me) but job security + higher income is always a good thing. i'm hoping to get into a regular routine this way, too. i'm a total night owl so i'm up WAAAY too late most nights... now that i HAVE to get up at 6:30 every morning (as opposed to 8:00 the 2 days i'm off - when A usually wakes up) will force me (hopefully) to get to bed earlier (midnight is my goal) the entire week. i'm also hoping to start to work-out 3-5 days a week and being on a more regular routine should help with that. so we'll say how everything pans out (what a strange expression). at this very moment, i'm super excited that i have another day off (woo-hoo!) due to very minor freezing drizzle. days off are even more special now that i'm working all week. that being said, i hope i don't slid on the ice like i did a few weeks ago, causing a fender bender!!!

in other news, i have begun working out! yay! only once a week - for now - 30 minutes on the treadmill at 3.5 speed (no incline) - definitely taking it slow to begin with - but it feels great. of course, not great enough to raise my motivation to actually go to the gym more but hopefully with my new routine (see above ;)) that will change. my gym is really nice, too, and i'm sick of paying over 100 bucks a month (family membership) since august and literally not going until this month.

oh, i had a big news flash last week - when i'm tired, i am STARVING. it feels like physical hunger but i know if i was rested, i wouldn't get so hungry - so it's kind-of a catch 22. it's left me eating 5-6 proteins/yogurts a day (instead of my usual 4) which caused my weight loss to slow down a bit this week. it also causes me to feel genuine hunger and the need to eat.eat.eat all.day.long. even though i'm only eating protein bars/yogurts for the most part (and not even craving anything else), it's still an uncontrollable feeling, in a way. it also causes me to chew a ridiculous amount of gum each day. i've realized that i can't stand the taste of food in my mouth (after i eat). i must chew gum then. when i used to smoke (i smoked for 5 years and quit 8.5 years ago), i had that same feeling - must smoke after eating. of course, gum chewing is much healthier but still... i'm trying to get rid of all food-type obsessions or whatever you call it.

i went to GW this past saturday morning since the roads were icy this past thursday night. i LOVE going in on saturday (besides having to wake up very early to go in)! i know so many people there now that it's beginning to feel like a real community for me. i love my GW friends and continue to find myself feeling so grateful and appreciative to this program (and not only b/c of the weight-loss)! it's an AMAZING program in every way. speaking of weight loss.... i was 2.8 pounds lighter but it was a morning weigh-in so, in my eyes, i really just plateaued this week. not too surprising considering the extra calories i consumed (on extra proteins/yogurt plus a slice of pizza ) this week. did i mention that our electricity was out for 33 hours during the snow storm last week. yep. not fun.

enough random rambling for this morning... be back soon... hopefully with a "i lost 100 pounds - yahoo!" update - i'm at 98.5 pounds now! so close!

no words

i am feeling so incredibly terrible/scared/depressed. i wish it was only because i ate 3 (or 4?) holiday cookies today & some other very-fattening-brunch-food at a friends' holiday gathering. and even though i wish i hadn't (i should've stopped at 1 cookie and eaten before we went to the brunch) that is definitely not why i'm upset. i wish that was why and not because of A's behavior today - well, all week. but let's start at today.

at the brunch today, A was with some friends that we've had (from a mom's group - 7 moms, including me) since he was 6 months old... however, he only sees the kids about once a month/once every other month. anyway, he was fine - almost lovely, actually - the whole time. i wanted to leave THEN - when all was going well - as i had this terrible intuition that we should leave NOW in case his behavior changes - especially since his "nap time" had approached and i could tell he was beginning to get overtired. so... as we were looking for his coat, ABOUT TO LEAVE, A attacked one of the little girls. OH.MY.G-D. the little girl was just sitting nicely, playing, when A went up to her and basically attacked her. he just pushed/shoved into her really hard. i immediately ran over and told A to apologize. instead A proceeded to kick her and then hit her. OH.MY.G-D. i picked him up and he started flailing & hitting me. keep in mind that this is in front of EVERYONE - all the families. i get him to the car and he calms down a bit. i had him go back in to apologize and he does, loudly, and when he hugged the little girl he did so too tight and they fell. he was then loud & obnoxious as were leaving (but in control). i am still having trouble breathing. really. i am speechless. the whole ride home S and i were trying to figure out why he would attack the little girl (who was fine but shaken up - he didn't actually hurt-hurt her but that's so not the point). S said he suddenly got angry. i just don't know what's going on. he was in a good mood and the little girl wasn't doing anything. he had played nicely the whole time. he used to be like this but hasn't been aggressive towards kids, at all, for at least six months. so why this happened is so scary. my heart is beating fast and i'm having trouble regulating my breathing - i'm just so upset and bewildered by his behavior. my only explanation is that it was nap time and he was overtired. the boys were also playing tackle football (not my idea) just a few minutes before so he could've been hyped up from that. and if he had tackled one of the boys, it would've made more sense. maybe he didn't mean to hurt her - maybe he was just playing - but then why would he proceed to hit/kick her??? I just don't f'ing get it. he has been aggressive/defiant towards S and i all week which has been very upsetting. but now towards another child? i just don't know. i'm so scared that something is "wrong" with him. he's 3.5 years old - so he's still "young" but it just seemed like such abnormal behavior. it was.

i think i'll stop there. of course i hope this was one single incident and he won't start being aggressive at school. OH.MY.G-D. i can't even go there. i have to try to get past this. i'm really having such a very hard time right now. on the plus side, the last thing i want to do is eat. i just want to crawl in a little ball until i have a guarantee that he's "okay" and that the aggression will stop. but i need to go to him now instead. very thankful that S was with him the last few hours so i had time to nap & sort my thoughts. i just wish my thoughts weren't so upsetting. :(
---------------
on another note, i gained a pound this week. probably from that dessert bar that i overate at last saturday night. and the fact i had an extra protein and yogurt most days this past week. definitely not my biggest concern now. wish it was!

the latest...

Once again, where to begin? I guess at the beginning, it's a very good place to start... apparently, I have "The Sound of Music" in my head. :) Anyway...

Last week was SO BUSY and I have a feeling it's going to be this way until winter break (which starts next Wed. for me - Yahoo!). As a result, I had that terrible insomnia last week which, thank goodness, "cured" itself on Friday night for the most part. Since then, I've been sleeping 4-5 hours stretches at a time, going to bed earlier, and usually able to fall back asleep if I've woken up at 4 in the morning (usually due to A climbing into our bed at that time). So, that's definitely a positive.

When I went into GW last week, I was happily surprised to see that I lost 4.2 pounds which puts my total at 84 - at almost 5 months from my starting date. WHEEE!!! Very, very cool!!! I was super excited as I've never lost this much weight before (and will hopefully never have to do so again) let alone in such a short timespan. It is kinda incredible, I have to say. The coolest part is probably clothing and feeling more confident (besides feeling lighter, being healthier, etc.).

I have always been a huge "clotheshorse" (do people even use that expression anymore?!?) and when I hit my heaviest weight this summer (unpublishable until I hit 100 lbs. gone!) I seriously could not fit into anything except super baggy tops and elastic skirts. Fortunately, Dress Ba.rn has really nice & comfortable plus size clothes so I fit into 2 of their dresses, as well. However, everything still felt tight. I hadn't worn pants or jeans since I had been pregnant (mid-late 2006, early 2007). Winter clothes were terrible since I had to wear skirts in the freezing cold. I felt bad and I know I didn't look too hot either. NOW, I can FINALLY wear PANTS again!!! Yahoo!!! I am the proud owner of 2 pairs of cords from Tal.bots and 1 pair of Le.vi's jeans! They are a size 20 BUT I fit into an 18 (but they were clearly too tight). Most importantly, I think I look halfway decent in them (hopefully) and they're WARM and COMFORTABLE. Sooo nice! I can now fit into almost any top/shirt. I'm still buying 2x b/c I really love being able to feel clothes a bit loose on me as it's been SO LONG since I've felt that. Now when I go places, I don't feel "huge". It's the best feeling!

All that being said, I am not at my lowest weight, not nearly. I am still about 35 pounds heavier than I was when my husband met me 11 years ago... and a whopping 55 pounds heavier than my "thinnest" weight (when I was a size 10). I am only about 15 pounds heavier, though, than my "usual" comfortable weight which gives you an idea of how incredibly heavy I got in the past 3-4 years. What's interesting is that most of my local friends & all of my current co-workers have only known me to be extremely overweight... so, to them, I'm "skinny"... if that makes sense. I literally hear about my weight 2 - 5 times a day. From EVERYONE. Even some teacher at A's school who I've only seen in passing. I'm glad that my husband (S) gets where I'm coming from ; he's actually been great about the weight loss. He's complimentary (and relieved!) but not to the point where I feel like all I am is a "weight" to him... if that makes sense at all. He doesn't talk about my weight 24/7 (he never did). Which I kinda like b/c sometimes I feel that all I am is my size... whether it's morbidly obese or 84 pounds thinner. This probably doesn't make any sense at all which I apologize for... it's hard to put these thoughts & feelings into words.

Moving on... S and I attended a black-tie affair, the "Moonlight Ball", with my Mom and Marty on Saturday night. I have to admit that I felt AWESOME in my purple dress (size 18)! I was going to buy my usual black dress but saw the purple dress, which was marked down significantly, and loved the color & neckline... see photos above. The ball itself was kinda boring which I feel guilty saying, but it was! I was also a little tired and in a grumpy/negative mood. Not sure where that was coming from. I know I was annoyed at S but for no "real" reason. So, to be honest, the night itself wasn't all that great. Regarding food, I ate some appetizers (baba ghanoush - yum!) but didn't overdo it. I ordered the vegeterian entree which was some nasty tofu. Grosssssssssss. So, I made up for it during dessert. I kinda went nuts. They had a dessert buffet with a chocolate fountain and fresh fruit. And pastries. Lots of pastries. What can I say? I ate dessert until I felt sick. In retrospect, I don't think I ate THAT much (the equivalent probably to 1, maybe 2, dessert portions) but for me it was obviously a lot. Ironically enough, the "me" 6 months ago would've eaten the equivalent of 5 desserts. Anyway... I did love the chocolate fondue strawberries and jelly cookies... and promptly felt quite ill about 10 minutes after eating them... and kept feeling ill for 24 hours afterwards! Seriously! It felt like a "sugar hangover". I was nauseous and felt achy for an entire day afterwards. Which I guess is a sign that I can't overeat sugar/fat anymore. Which is possibly a good thing. Now will that stop me at another black-tie affair with a dessert bar? Probably not... time will tell. Fortunately, I was able to go right back on program yesterday without a problem. I hope I didn't gain weight from Saturday night - I know I'll be discouraged if I do - time will tell.

I think that's enough for now. If you've read all this, I'm impressed - and thankful for your interest! ;) More again, hopefully soon!

long overdue update

i don't even know where to begin! i think i'll write highlights in bullet points to help me organize my thoughts:

- so i've had ridiculous insomnia for a week now. i have been sleeping 2-3 hours a night (usually up around 3 or 4am for the day). i'm napping whenever i can which probably helps reinforce the cycle. it really has begun terrible. on days that i work (like today) i feel like i'm in a fog all day. i really enjoy my job so that helps - and i manage to stay energetic - but it's VERY hard to get any paperwork done on so little sleep. i just have way too much on my mind. i'm going to ask dr. f about a sleeping pill on thursday.

- speaking of dr. f and gw... program is going well. i ended up going off plan for 4 meals the week of thanksgiving and still ended up losing weight (4 pounds in 2 weeks is probably the best measure - i went in the sat. morning after thanksgiving and was down but you're always less in the morning - then again, i started the program on a morning). ANYWAY -- i'm down anywere from 79.8 pounds to 80-something which is a little frustrating b/c i can be a bit obsessive about numbers (helpful, i know). long story short, i'm using my thursday night weights for my "weight tally" on the right side. hopefully i'll "officially"hit 80 pounds (or more) on thursday night.

- i find it ridiculously cool that i could go off the program for some meals thanksgiving week and not lose weight and, MORE IMPORTANTLY, not begin to binge or eat-out-of-control. this is HUGE for me (no pun intended). i had that cupcake a few saturdays ago, grilled salmon & cauliflower mash (half portion - i sent half back) at dinner with holly that tuesday night, thanksgiving dinner (i had everything but had small portions) on thursday and t'giving leftovers on friday (once again, small portions). i stayed "on plan" (bars, shakes, yogurts) in between those meals. i really did not feel the urge to binge or eat everything in sight even though i wasn't 100% on track for my plan. this is REAL LIFE, though. i seriously want to be able to eat out like a "normal person" (whoever that is) once or twice a week and be able to maintain my weight. that being said, i plan to stay on plan completely until our trip to california at the end of the month.

- staying on plan this week has usually meant eating an extra bar and/or yogurt each day. mainly because when you're up most of the night, you get hungry. also, when i'm extremely tired i literally am starving. another reason to get the sleep issue under control.

- i'm beginning to love buying clothes again. and having my photo taken. this is awesome.

- on a "lower note", A has been REALLY acting up the past few days (well, on and off). it's stressing me out more than i could ever express. he's 3.5 and still has tantrums - which are aggressive - they have always been (his tantrums). they don't last long and they were really weaning off (is that the right expression??) until recently. however, he had a huge meltdown on wed., sat. and yesterday... all which included hitting/biting/kicking me or S (husband). it really upsets me. keep in mind that he is the sweetest, most lovable & affectionate child the majority of the time. he went through a stage like this when he was 2.5 and i'm hoping that's all it is. i'm always afraid that there's something "really wrong" and i start to panic which is another reason for the insomnia.

- my husband and i have been getting along a little better the past few weeks. he's so tense though. he's going through a really tough time at work which of course is very upsetting for me, too. so between A and S and all of their issues, i feel like the weight of the world (or, more specifically, my family) is on my shoulders.

- i AM thankful that even with all this stress, i'm able to control my eating... i would've been eating everything in sight 5 months ago with all this going on.

-- speaking of 5 months ago, it will be 5 months since i've been on the program in 5 days (5 apparently being the lucky number here). originally i was only going to do the modified fasting program that i'm on for 4 or 5 months and then transition to a more "regular" food intake program (still at GW). however, i think i'm going to stay on the program until the end of december. my blood work is good (knock on wood) but my hair is beginningto fall out. i DO have a lot of hair so i'm not too concerned. yet. i'd love to knock off 20 more pounds (which would bring my total to 100 POUNDS - HOLY S&8T!) before switching to the less intense program. from there i would probably like to lose another 20- 50 pounds but one day at a time, right?

Think that's about it for now (big sigh). Thanks for allowing me to vent, blogger friends. It really has helped. Here's hoping I can stay awake/alert today AND sleep well tonight. overall, i'm hoping for a much better day for A and S, too.

cupcakes, clothing & comments

Ahh, the holidays are upon us. They are my favorite time of the year (and I don't even celebrate Christmas!). I love the spirit, camaraderie, longer shopping hours & sales, holiday decorations, holiday cards and, of course, Christmas cookies (and all other carb-y & sugar-y) treats. Speaking of which...

I struggled a bit this weekend staying on the program. I made the mistake of signing the family up for "CUPCAKES & cocoa with the snow princess" at a local holiday event. BIG MISTAKE. Mainly b/c it was overpriced and lame (the "snow princess" was a 20-year-old dressed as a ballerina. I was expecting the snow princess from Do.ra!). The "event" was color a picture, pick out a cupcake and get your photo taken with the not-so-snowy princess. Lame-O. But, the cupcakes, wooooooooow. They were from George.town Cupcake which is the cupcake place featured on one of those food shows. And O.M.G. were they GOOOOOD. Have I ever mentioned that cupcakes are like my favorite food, EVER? Yep. We got to pick out 4- we had 1 vanilla cupcake/vanilla icing, 1 red velvet & 2 chocolate cupcake/vanilla icing -- my absolute FAVORITE combination. The icing was probably 2 inches tall and soooo good! The chocolate cupcake and red velvet one was outstanding however the vanilla cupcake wasn't that great. Now, how would I know this? By taking a "sliver" of each cupcake - which probably lead to about a whole cupcake eaten. Gulp. I felt terribly guilty afterwards AND upset at myself for not trying the chocolate cupcake with chocolate icing. Go figure. Anyway, I really did want to try these infamous cupcakes (still not as good as "Sprink.les" in Los Angeles) and it's not like I ate all 4 (which I totally would've done 5 months ago - and then drove to DC to get more!!!). I don't know how, in retrospect, I would've handled it. I knew what I was "getting into" when I signed us up for this event. I wanted to "try" one of the cupcakes. And I did. Game over. Or whatever. What I DID do was eat more the rest of the weekend. Nothing crazy, though. I forgot to pack bars on Saturday so I had the garden chicken salad at Chick.Fil.A (180 calories with a little bit of non-fat dressing and a handful of croutons - about 250 calories total), a couple of handfuls of low calorie potato chips (which my husband REALLY needs to stop buying!!!) and a few bites of my son's pizza slice and soft pretzel at a kid's concert yesterday. Oh, and an extra bar & yogurt each day. Definitely not on a binge but not as conscientous as usual. I'm hoping to be 100% until Thursday and then eat a "portion-controlled" (that is such an unattractive word) meal - trying everything but not going overboard. I'm not going back to GW until Saturday so it will be interesting to see how my weight is. Speaking of which, I "only" lost 2.4 pounds this past week. I say "only" because I was "perfect" and was hoping to lose more. I'm still a little nuts about this, I know. The good news is that I officially hit 75 pounds which brings me to my next topic...

CLOTHES. I went to the Tal.bots outlet (which isn't really outlet-ly but whatever) and they had a great selection of plus-sized clothing. For the first time in 6 years I fit into a size 20. Woohoo! I ended up buying 2 pairs of size 22 pants (more comfortable - the 20 fit but was a little snug) and lots of sweaters & tops that fit really nicely. It was a GREAT FEELING. I'm literally wearing pants again for the first time in SIX YEARS even though, according to my husband, I look at least 10 pounds bigger in them than I do in skirts/dresses. Whatever. They're COMFORTABLE and more appropriate weather-wise.

Last topic - COMMENTS. I receive 1 - 5 comments/compliments on my weight nearly every day. It's strange b/c the people at my work and at A's school have only known me since I've been "morbidly obese" (another remarkably attractive phrase, isn't it?!?). Anyway, they don't know that I was only "that big" for 2-3 years and I'm still "big", for me, at my current weight (but only by 20-40 pounds now, yay!). Some people get sooo excited which is cute and yet disconcerting at times. Usually the comments are benign -- "you look great" -- which I appreciate getting. But some comments - wow. Like when a fellow mom at A's school said that "I look my age" and "more normal" now. REALLY?!? I think it's partially a cultural/language issue and she is the sweetest lady but HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO THAT?!? Also, yesterday I ran into an older woman that I've known my whole life (Evie S.) but haven't seen in years. She said that she didn't recognize me. I'm not sure if this is because I look much better or much worse than the last time she saw me. It really depends on when that was.

Anyway - think that's enough for today. I really should write more often but I usually don't have the time or energy to do so. I'm off ALL WEEK from work for T'giving break... sweeet... so I hope to post again soon. If not, I'm wishing all my readers/supporters a wonderful Turkey Day! =)

4 months ago...

wow. 4 months today i weighed exactly 73 pounds more than i do now.

incredible. absolutely amazing.

i am so beyond thankful that i found my program when i did, i really believe it has been a literal lifesaver in every way. i have found myself again. i am slowly (well, not that slowly) but surely peeling off the "fat suit" that i was stuck in for 3 years. i'm at my lowest weight in 4.5 years. loving it! still have a long way to go (ideally, i would like to lose 50 more pounds) but i am feeling sooo much better (except for the anemia - i still am anemic - sigh. the rest of my lab work from last week came back fine.)

other things in my life... not so great... mainly marital issues that are too complex to get into here. let's just say that losing weight doesn't change/fix everything (except i feel much better/healthier/attractive so that has to count for something, right?!?).

anyway, overall i'm definitely excited and feeling in control. it's a GREAT feeling!!!

for the newest "after" picture, look to the right... personally, i don't see any difference from the -60 pound photo - actually, i think i look BETTER in the -60 pound picture... but whatever. today was veteran's day (thank you, vets!) so i'm sporting the red, white & blue (didn't change yet from work)! i won't be able to wear that skirt again... it was literally hanging off of me. the shirt was too big, too. i'm so excited to fit into clothes, though, that i'm reluctant to buy/wear smaller sizes!

still here...

wow, i have been a blog slacker yet again! so many times i want to post but don't have the energy or i'm in a rush or some other excuse. =)

here's what's new...

- it'll be 4 months on the program in one week. wow. dr. f wants me to continue the modified fasting diet (program a) for another month, though, which i'm totally fine. i plan to take thanksgiving meal off, though - not to binge but to eat with family.

- i had an awesome loss last week - 6.2 pounds - but only .8 oz. this week. not sure if it's b/c i started my period today (i'm.in.SOOOO.much.pain - holy cramp-oli!) or b/c i usually ate extra bars and/or yogurts this week (pms will do that to you) but i'm hoping i'll lose more next week. i'm only .8 oz. away from 70 which i'm looking forward to hitting!

-- my mom was in the ER last night for severe dizziness/vomiting. I.WAS.TERRIFIED beyond words. thank G-d it seems to be benign vertigo (dizziness) with an unknown cause (something to do with her ear?!?) and her CT scan and other tests were fine. i'm doing my best to trust the doctor that it is, indeed, benign. last night was awful - i was really petrified and i'm still a little shaken up from it. when i got home last night, feeling relieved (since the doctor said she should be fine) i was STARVING and wanted to BINGE out of relief. it is my natural soother, so to speak. but i had an extra yogurt instead and eventually calmed down (well, 2 hours later, went to bed at 3:30!). huge sigh. i love my mom more than words can express so it is just so awful to think that something could happen to her. anyway...

-- that's about it for now. will try to update again soon.

So, about that Journey to Jeans...

Guess what? Officially, my "journey to jeans" has ended as I bought my first pair of plus-size Le.vi's last month. I finally put this on last week, see pics above. I didn't actually wear them though until today. They were super comfy... and WAY TOO BIG!!! They literally were falling off of me and I had to keep pulling them up all day at work (Friday is jeans day). So embarrassing!!! I bought size 24 which, a few months ago, was way too big. I'm happy that I'm now a size 20 (I think) but it's still a little annoying since I just bought these jeans and they weren't cheap. Maybe I'll buy a belt. I really like my pants and jeans to be loose, anyway... it's a total comfort thing. The real "victory"will be when I fit into "regular size" (16 or -even better -14) jeans. When I was at my slimmest, 10 years ago, I wore a size 12 J.Cr.ew jeans. Those wore the days. Anyway.... it's still a little milestone. =)

In other news, I'm battling a terrible cold which has helped with cravings a bit. I lost 1.7 pounds since Saturday morning - sweet!

status quo

Due to my PMS (which led to a relatively severe salt craving which led to the honey roasted peanuts that my husband has promised never to buy again) and my "overeating" of about 300 calories a day (of yogurts & protein bars), I maintained my weight this week. Of course it's disappointing not to have lost weight but at least I didn't gain.

Now I'm back on plan, 100% for the 2nd day now. And, to be honest, it kinda sucks. It's just hard to be borderline hungry/hungry all.day.long. I've been "holding off eating" as long as I can most of the day and chewing a lot of gum. Hopefully the cravings/hunger will go away soon. it really can be distracting. All I have left today on my program is a protein shake but I really want a yogurt, too. Sigh. I need to stay on, though so I'll deal. Will probably just have some more pickles. As my friend, Christy, says - I'll probably never be able to eat a pickle again after this program!!! 1 month left on Plan A...

*overdue* week-in-review

sorry for the lack of posts this week... busy, tired, busy, tired... guess the usual...


i had raging PMS until yesterday morning when "aunt flo" came. i usually don't get too many pms symptoms but i REALLY had it this time... migraines, irritability, fatigue (esp. on saturday night) and HARD-CORE CRAVINGS. wow! i was really getting worried that i wouldn't be able to do "plan A" any longer due to the cravings... then i realized it was probably pms and was hoping that's all it was. i had a FEW extra yogurts/protein bars AND a whole bunch of honey-roasted nuts (which is my husband really shouldn't be buying now)... i got up to almost 1200 calories 3 or 4 nights in a row. i also had my first "real meal" in almost 3 months... a vegetable/low-fat cheese 333 calorie egg-beaters omelet at sil.ver din.er with my friend rachel & her family. i'm really glad i made such a healthy choice but, of course, i'm really not "supposed to" get off the plan. but this is REAL LIFE and i'm only on the plan for 5 more weeks and then i'll have to eat a healthy dinner every night. anyway.... i was back on track (nice rhyme, huh?) yesterday - well, except for the 1 extra yogurt. i'm definitely going to GW this week - hopefully tomorrow - but i may skip the weigh-in b/c it'll just depress me AND i'm ridiculously bloated right now (thanks again to "aunt flo"). i also have mind-blowing cramps which i really hope subsides SOON since it promises to be a busy day at work...and it hurts to move right now. =( at least i'm not nauseus (yet?) like last month.

i did go into GW this past thursday - can't remember the total lost - but it is recorded on the side where i keep track of my weight loss. i do know my total was 55.4 - or it was, at least! i feel like it's slowed down a bit - the weight loss rate - but i'm thankful for every pound lost. i need to - no, i WILL - start walking and/or going to the gym!!! met with dr. F.... he said i am still anemic but definitely not as bad as i had been.

better get ready for work. i probably should've blogged this weekend when i was overeating (well, for this program, at least) to gauge my emotions at that time. it really was hunger (pms-related, for the most part), though. however, i have been feeling very GUILTY for not spending more time with my precious little love, A. also, S and i have not been getting along and i've been feeling some annoyance/anger toward him as a result. so i'm sure that had something to do with it, too. ANYWAY - here's hoping for a calmer, more peaceful week. speaking of which, my mom should be coming home from China tonight, G-d willing. can't wait to see her. i've missed her so much!!!

week in review...

i was able to go to the "clinic" (as "insiders"call it, haha) again this morning which was great. i went to 3 groups... wow. i think i'm a lot happier than the average patient there. even when i was really big (and really unhappy/in denial about that) i still was a relatively happy person. it's hard not to be when i have the most precious & loving child who loves me SO MUCH regardless of my weight... in fact, he's the only person who hasn't made one comment about my weight before or after. aah, the beauty & unconditional love of an (almost) 3.5 year old boy!!! =)

i weighed less this morning (i think 2.4 pounds less than i did on wed.) which didn't surprise me since it was a morning weigh-in. the really cool thing is that i looked at my blood work from this week & last. the "liver test" (forgot what it's called) is supposed to be between 10-40 (don't quote me on the "10" part) and mine 1.5 weeks ago was 140 which is why dr. f was so concerned. on wed. it was 44, only 4 points from normal. the really exciting part is that my ferritin (iron) level is FINALLY NORMAL!!! it was a 10 - the minimum normal but a huge increase from the -1 it was 2.5 months ago! yay! my hematocrit (iron in my blood, i believe???) went from 25.2 (very close to needing a blood transfusion - who knew?) to 34.6 (35 is the minimum in the range - i'm so close)! so, i'm *barely* anemic, if at all, anymore. yay yay yay! i was really concerned about it. the biggest notice is not a huge change in energy (sadly) but the fact that i don't crave ice like a mad woman like i did a few months ago (a common symptom of anemia). my triglycerides were also *almost* normal -- 155 with 150 being the maximum in the range. cholesterol has always been fine but i still need to bring up my "good" cholesterol... need to start working out to do that. anyway, it felt great to see this labwork. let's hope it contiues. =)

on another note, i've been much hungrier - especially in the evenings - for the past 3 nights. it's so annoying. hard to tell if it's emotional eating and/or true hunger. i had an extra bar 2 nights ago and an extra yogurt last night. been eating lots of pickles and chewing gum. wish/hope that this "feeling to eat eat eat" will resolve quickly.

and that about wraps up my "week in review, weight-loss edition". =)

milestone... and a health scare

I hit 50 pounds tonight!!! 51.4 to be exact... very exciting! I lost 1.8 pounds this week - 3 pounds total in the last 1.5 weeks... definitely slower than I had been losing. I'm probably going to start walking/working out which will hopefully speed things up a little again. Not that I'm complaining, really... it's just hard not to feel a little less excited when I was losing 4-8 pounds per week for the last few months (usually). My blood pressure was also unusually HIGH today (140/96) which brings me to the health scare...

When meeting with Dr. F tonight, I found out that something is up with my liver. I had my blood drawn last week (since it's a modified fasting diet you get your blood drawn every 2-4 weeks) and my liver labwork was off. I don't know too many more details because, frankly, I was afraid to ask. Dr. F had me get more bloodwork taken tonight and should know the results by Friday. Since I'm a "worst case scenario" kind of gal, I'm afraid I'm horribly sick or something. Hopefully, of course, it's nothing. Or it may mean that I have to start eating more. I'm hoping I won't think about it too much in the upcoming days. I definitely am feeling nervous about it. =(

weekly update

Another week has passed and, overall, the week has been fairly easy for me, in terms of the program. I'm (finally) feeling adjusted to being back to work so that has definitely helped. I haven't been really craving food or wanting to binge either which is always a relief.

I lost 1.2 pounds this week -- not a huge amount -- but I went in on Thursday night so it hadn't been a full week plus it was nighttime (I got weighed before on a Saturday). The 2 classes/groups were great. I just love being there so much, wish I could go 3 times a week. It is so motivating and helpful.

I'm only .4 (less than half a pound) away from 50 pounds which is about halfway to my goal. Hopefully I'll get there by Thursday.

2 months!!!

I've been on the program for exactly 2 months now! I am ECSTATIC about the following (in no particular order):

-- my bmi is no longer in the "morbidly obese" range

-- i've lost almost 50 pounds (48.4)

-- my blood pressure is normal now (usually)

-- my blood sugar is normal now

-- i've gone down 3 sizes in clothes which means i'm beginning to wear much cuter clothes again ;)

-- i'm beginning to feel like myself again and not me stuck in a fat suit

-- i can walk much faster

-- i can go up the stairs without losing my breath

-- i'm much prouder of myself... i have so much more confidence now

-- i'm in control. again. finally!!!

the last 2 months have been close to miraculous. i feel like this program is literally a lifesaver. i don't know what would have happened if i hadn't joined when i did (actually, i do and it's not pretty!) . i am very very thankful for this wonderful program and for my amazing family & friends who have been there for me through it all, thick and not-as-thick. ;)

-----------

on another note, i started feeling MUCH better yesterday, Thank G-d. Not sure if it was a stomach bug or complications from my period??? Just glad I'm not sick anymore. Was able to make it to GW (lost 4.8 lbs this week) and attend 2 classes. I really need to start talking less in the classes... I just get so excited & can relate so well to what everyone's saying... it's hard to shut myself up some times... but i will *try* to!!!

43.6

I went into GW today, finally! it had been 9 days since i was last in the clinic and i was really missing the groups there. i was very happy to see that i lost 8.4 lbs since then... esp. since i had gained .6 during that weigh-in, even though i was following the program. anyway, i was definitely pleased - and relieved - that i'm continuing to lose. My first weigh-in (my highest weight) was on july 10th and i started the program (food-wise) on july 11th. in exactly one week, it will be 2 months on the program. Man, it seriously feels like TWO YEARS. anyway. the cool thing is that my bmi is .3 points away from being "severely obese" instead of "morbidly obese". i'm really hoping i'll hit that "milestone" in the upcoming week.

i meet with the endocrinologist doctor today, dr. m, since dr. f doesn't work on saturdays. she is also concerned about my anemia... ugh. she thinks i should have a colonoscopy to see if i have an ulcer if it doesn't improve more. lovely. i'm going to start taking 2 iron pills a day so i'm praying that my hemoglobin levels go up.

on another note, i haven't been as hungry lately which is definitely a positive. however, i felt like eating today to "celebrate" my loss. how ironic, huh?!?

big time RANT (apologies in advance)

today was ROUGH, people. i'm struggling a bit. i've realized that i've "talked about my feelings" and cried more these past 7 weeks (since starting the program) than i probably have in a year!!!

part of the problem is i'm totally sleep deprived. i only slept 3-4 hours the past 2 nights. and it's 12:55 and i'm WIDE AWAKE. did i mention i'm waking up at 6? yep. i seriously have trouble functioning when i'm sleep deprived. i get a little manic and emotional. it's lovely. i managed to keep my cool at work (THANK G-D) but i lost my s*&t more or less when i went to gw tonight.

it started off with a trip to the scale when i got there. once again i was speechless and shocked. but not so much in a good way seeing that i f'ing GAINED 1.2 POUNDS WHILE PERFECTLYSTAYING ON THE PROGRAM and even walking a bit this week. WTF?!? (side note: after i, um, peed, i was only 1/2 pound up. but still... come on!!!). these are the thoughts that went through my head:

1. i'm being"punished" for being so excited and over confident about my weight loss... hence the weight gain.

2. my body is "rebelling"... i won't be able to lose any more weight and that terrifies me b/c, well, i kinda LOVE losing weight and feeling like myself again. and fitting into clothes. that's a big one. =)

3. my body is "used" to 900 calories a day (seriously, body?!?) and, therefore, i'm plateauing and need to decrease to 800 calories (i really hope it's not that... that really would be painful. literally). BTW... thanks, MOM, for suggesting that to me tonight!!! (yes, my mom did suggest that... no, she does not read this blog).

4. (the more rational thought): i lost a s*&tload of weight the past 3 weeks (16 pounds) so it's not *that bad* and i'm probably retaining some water.

because I'm f'ing exhausted, i'm going to go with #4. for this week, at least... and keep on keeping on... that phrase looks really weird written.

lots more to write about... like how i was a TOTAL FREAKSHOW (i'm so embarrassed!) during the 2nd group tonight which had to do with attachment theory when you're a baby. OMG, i really am MORTIFIED, people. wow. i'll try to post more of the details tomorrow.

for now, i REALLY hope i can get some sleep so i can funtion at work tomorrow.

oh, did i mention i didn't see my kid at all today? except for when he woke up all sleepy this morning and just wanted daddy... when he usually only wants me? i think he's mad that i'm back at work and not with him as much... i'm very sad about this. =(

oh, did i also mention that my husband and i had a really intense "conversation" tonight. yep.

that's all, folks (for tonight, at least!)... thanks for listening/reading...

B
p.s. any new readers? just curious...

Wrapping up week 6...

So... A does have Hand, Foot & Mo.uth, a terrible illness! He didn't eat for almost a week! He's finally on the mend, knock on wood! Of course, now my ear, throat and head is hurting... Oy. I can NOT afford to get sick now!!!

In weight-y news, the program continues to go well. I am just so happy with it. I absolutely love the groups/classes and it's nice having an afternoon in D.C. each week. I'm beginning to fit in my "old clothes" so my wardrobe is pretty big now. Most exciting is that I lost another 6 pounds this week... unreal! That brings my total t0 35.8! I know that the weight loss is going to slow down -- and soon -- but I'll take it when I can get it!!!

In "medical news", I got my blood work back. My thyroid is all over the place... I need less thryroid meds now, which is good -- from .187 to .150. My anemia is (slowly) getting better, too. However, my liver enzymes(?) were off... the count(?) went from 12 to 43. Dr. F says this can happen when people lose weight so he's just monitoring it for now. Always has to be something, right?!?