long overdue update

i don't even know where to begin! i think i'll write highlights in bullet points to help me organize my thoughts:

- so i've had ridiculous insomnia for a week now. i have been sleeping 2-3 hours a night (usually up around 3 or 4am for the day). i'm napping whenever i can which probably helps reinforce the cycle. it really has begun terrible. on days that i work (like today) i feel like i'm in a fog all day. i really enjoy my job so that helps - and i manage to stay energetic - but it's VERY hard to get any paperwork done on so little sleep. i just have way too much on my mind. i'm going to ask dr. f about a sleeping pill on thursday.

- speaking of dr. f and gw... program is going well. i ended up going off plan for 4 meals the week of thanksgiving and still ended up losing weight (4 pounds in 2 weeks is probably the best measure - i went in the sat. morning after thanksgiving and was down but you're always less in the morning - then again, i started the program on a morning). ANYWAY -- i'm down anywere from 79.8 pounds to 80-something which is a little frustrating b/c i can be a bit obsessive about numbers (helpful, i know). long story short, i'm using my thursday night weights for my "weight tally" on the right side. hopefully i'll "officially"hit 80 pounds (or more) on thursday night.

- i find it ridiculously cool that i could go off the program for some meals thanksgiving week and not lose weight and, MORE IMPORTANTLY, not begin to binge or eat-out-of-control. this is HUGE for me (no pun intended). i had that cupcake a few saturdays ago, grilled salmon & cauliflower mash (half portion - i sent half back) at dinner with holly that tuesday night, thanksgiving dinner (i had everything but had small portions) on thursday and t'giving leftovers on friday (once again, small portions). i stayed "on plan" (bars, shakes, yogurts) in between those meals. i really did not feel the urge to binge or eat everything in sight even though i wasn't 100% on track for my plan. this is REAL LIFE, though. i seriously want to be able to eat out like a "normal person" (whoever that is) once or twice a week and be able to maintain my weight. that being said, i plan to stay on plan completely until our trip to california at the end of the month.

- staying on plan this week has usually meant eating an extra bar and/or yogurt each day. mainly because when you're up most of the night, you get hungry. also, when i'm extremely tired i literally am starving. another reason to get the sleep issue under control.

- i'm beginning to love buying clothes again. and having my photo taken. this is awesome.

- on a "lower note", A has been REALLY acting up the past few days (well, on and off). it's stressing me out more than i could ever express. he's 3.5 and still has tantrums - which are aggressive - they have always been (his tantrums). they don't last long and they were really weaning off (is that the right expression??) until recently. however, he had a huge meltdown on wed., sat. and yesterday... all which included hitting/biting/kicking me or S (husband). it really upsets me. keep in mind that he is the sweetest, most lovable & affectionate child the majority of the time. he went through a stage like this when he was 2.5 and i'm hoping that's all it is. i'm always afraid that there's something "really wrong" and i start to panic which is another reason for the insomnia.

- my husband and i have been getting along a little better the past few weeks. he's so tense though. he's going through a really tough time at work which of course is very upsetting for me, too. so between A and S and all of their issues, i feel like the weight of the world (or, more specifically, my family) is on my shoulders.

- i AM thankful that even with all this stress, i'm able to control my eating... i would've been eating everything in sight 5 months ago with all this going on.

-- speaking of 5 months ago, it will be 5 months since i've been on the program in 5 days (5 apparently being the lucky number here). originally i was only going to do the modified fasting program that i'm on for 4 or 5 months and then transition to a more "regular" food intake program (still at GW). however, i think i'm going to stay on the program until the end of december. my blood work is good (knock on wood) but my hair is beginningto fall out. i DO have a lot of hair so i'm not too concerned. yet. i'd love to knock off 20 more pounds (which would bring my total to 100 POUNDS - HOLY S&8T!) before switching to the less intense program. from there i would probably like to lose another 20- 50 pounds but one day at a time, right?

Think that's about it for now (big sigh). Thanks for allowing me to vent, blogger friends. It really has helped. Here's hoping I can stay awake/alert today AND sleep well tonight. overall, i'm hoping for a much better day for A and S, too.