i am feeling so incredibly terrible/scared/depressed. i wish it was only because i ate 3 (or 4?) holiday cookies today & some other very-fattening-brunch-food at a friends' holiday gathering. and even though i wish i hadn't (i should've stopped at 1 cookie and eaten before we went to the brunch) that is definitely not why i'm upset. i wish that was why and not because of A's behavior today - well, all week. but let's start at today.
at the brunch today, A was with some friends that we've had (from a mom's group - 7 moms, including me) since he was 6 months old... however, he only sees the kids about once a month/once every other month. anyway, he was fine - almost lovely, actually - the whole time. i wanted to leave THEN - when all was going well - as i had this terrible intuition that we should leave NOW in case his behavior changes - especially since his "nap time" had approached and i could tell he was beginning to get overtired. so... as we were looking for his coat, ABOUT TO LEAVE, A attacked one of the little girls. OH.MY.G-D. the little girl was just sitting nicely, playing, when A went up to her and basically attacked her. he just pushed/shoved into her really hard. i immediately ran over and told A to apologize. instead A proceeded to kick her and then hit her. OH.MY.G-D. i picked him up and he started flailing & hitting me. keep in mind that this is in front of EVERYONE - all the families. i get him to the car and he calms down a bit. i had him go back in to apologize and he does, loudly, and when he hugged the little girl he did so too tight and they fell. he was then loud & obnoxious as were leaving (but in control). i am still having trouble breathing. really. i am speechless. the whole ride home S and i were trying to figure out why he would attack the little girl (who was fine but shaken up - he didn't actually hurt-hurt her but that's so not the point). S said he suddenly got angry. i just don't know what's going on. he was in a good mood and the little girl wasn't doing anything. he had played nicely the whole time. he used to be like this but hasn't been aggressive towards kids, at all, for at least six months. so why this happened is so scary. my heart is beating fast and i'm having trouble regulating my breathing - i'm just so upset and bewildered by his behavior. my only explanation is that it was nap time and he was overtired. the boys were also playing tackle football (not my idea) just a few minutes before so he could've been hyped up from that. and if he had tackled one of the boys, it would've made more sense. maybe he didn't mean to hurt her - maybe he was just playing - but then why would he proceed to hit/kick her??? I just don't f'ing get it. he has been aggressive/defiant towards S and i all week which has been very upsetting. but now towards another child? i just don't know. i'm so scared that something is "wrong" with him. he's 3.5 years old - so he's still "young" but it just seemed like such abnormal behavior. it was.
i think i'll stop there. of course i hope this was one single incident and he won't start being aggressive at school. OH.MY.G-D. i can't even go there. i have to try to get past this. i'm really having such a very hard time right now. on the plus side, the last thing i want to do is eat. i just want to crawl in a little ball until i have a guarantee that he's "okay" and that the aggression will stop. but i need to go to him now instead. very thankful that S was with him the last few hours so i had time to nap & sort my thoughts. i just wish my thoughts weren't so upsetting. :(
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on another note, i gained a pound this week. probably from that dessert bar that i overate at last saturday night. and the fact i had an extra protein and yogurt most days this past week. definitely not my biggest concern now. wish it was!
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