today was ROUGH, people. i'm struggling a bit. i've realized that i've "talked about my feelings" and cried more these past 7 weeks (since starting the program) than i probably have in a year!!!
part of the problem is i'm totally sleep deprived. i only slept 3-4 hours the past 2 nights. and it's 12:55 and i'm WIDE AWAKE. did i mention i'm waking up at 6? yep. i seriously have trouble functioning when i'm sleep deprived. i get a little manic and emotional. it's lovely. i managed to keep my cool at work (THANK G-D) but i lost my s*&t more or less when i went to gw tonight.
it started off with a trip to the scale when i got there. once again i was speechless and shocked. but not so much in a good way seeing that i f'ing GAINED 1.2 POUNDS WHILE PERFECTLYSTAYING ON THE PROGRAM and even walking a bit this week. WTF?!? (side note: after i, um, peed, i was only 1/2 pound up. but still... come on!!!). these are the thoughts that went through my head:
1. i'm being"punished" for being so excited and over confident about my weight loss... hence the weight gain.
2. my body is "rebelling"... i won't be able to lose any more weight and that terrifies me b/c, well, i kinda LOVE losing weight and feeling like myself again. and fitting into clothes. that's a big one. =)
3. my body is "used" to 900 calories a day (seriously, body?!?) and, therefore, i'm plateauing and need to decrease to 800 calories (i really hope it's not that... that really would be painful. literally). BTW... thanks, MOM, for suggesting that to me tonight!!! (yes, my mom did suggest that... no, she does not read this blog).
4. (the more rational thought): i lost a s*&tload of weight the past 3 weeks (16 pounds) so it's not *that bad* and i'm probably retaining some water.
because I'm f'ing exhausted, i'm going to go with #4. for this week, at least... and keep on keeping on... that phrase looks really weird written.
lots more to write about... like how i was a TOTAL FREAKSHOW (i'm so embarrassed!) during the 2nd group tonight which had to do with attachment theory when you're a baby. OMG, i really am MORTIFIED, people. wow. i'll try to post more of the details tomorrow.
for now, i REALLY hope i can get some sleep so i can funtion at work tomorrow.
oh, did i mention i didn't see my kid at all today? except for when he woke up all sleepy this morning and just wanted daddy... when he usually only wants me? i think he's mad that i'm back at work and not with him as much... i'm very sad about this. =(
oh, did i also mention that my husband and i had a really intense "conversation" tonight. yep.
that's all, folks (for tonight, at least!)... thanks for listening/reading...
B
p.s. any new readers? just curious...
Holy crapola. I feel you on hitting a wall, more than you can imagine. I hope you can find the strength to stick with it.
ReplyDeleteI also feel ya on the little man wanting Daddy more than Mommy - tears my heart up every time.
**Hugs** I'm still reading. :)
Oh sweetie! You've got SO much going on. No wonder you can't sleep. I wish we could sit together over bottles of water and you could tell me all about it. Since we can't, just know that I'm sending you my best thoughts and huge hugs. Hang in there!
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