- sleep + stress = :o(

the title of my post says it all -- not enough sleep PLUS added stress has equaled to an anxious/overwhelmed me. not too terribly surprising, i'm turning to food to self-soothe/regulate my emotions (thank you, GW, for that expression!). fortunately, i'm not binging or even eating anything "off plan" (besides the occasional v-day chocolate yesterday) but i've continued to eat 5-6 proteins bar AND 5-6 yogurts a day instead of my usual 4. as a result, i was up a pound last week (most likely due to water retention from lack of sleep - but still) and i'm more likely maintaining instead of losing. plus (no pun intended!), i feel slightly "out of control" (food-wise) when i'm eating more than i should. some of it is really due to pure hunger and some is more emotional and raw. when i'm tired, i'm literally hungry. and i've been tired A LOT due to my increased work schedule (now working full-time for the 1st time in 4 years) and the fact that A has a cold and has been very clingy (esp. at night - coming in to my bed several times a night) since i started back to work FT. so my numero uno emotion today is EXHAUSTION.

following behind a close 2nd is GUILT... a nasty emotion, one of the therapists noted at GW last week. i feel VERY GUILTY for working FT and not seeing A in the mornings all week (not till 5-6 pm each night). i feel VERY GUILTY for not picking A up earlier at night b/c i try to sneak in a nap (due to the lack of sleep - see numero uno) before picking him up. i also feel guilty for sleeping a lot this weekend (catching up on sleep) instead of being with him more. :( as a result, he was TERRIBLE last night. one of his worst evenings yet. very attention-seeking (such as purposely peeing on the floor), wild (throwing things), not affectionate, yelling, demanding, etc. which of course makes me want to spend even LESS time with him when he is so obviously crying out for MORE time with me. i feel guilty even writing that but it's the truth. I LOVE MY CHILD MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD!!! sometimes it's hard, though. and very worrisome when he's acting out so much. :( i'm trying not to overthink it YET since this is still a new transition (the working FT thing) and just hoping for better days/nights ahead.

speaking of which, i need to get ready for work. hopefully i won't jinx it when i say that is going well (knock on wood). last week was School Counselor Week and i received the sweetest cards from my students. my principal bought me a lovely fruit arrangement and attached a really nice note. i do love my job and if i have to work FT, i'm definitely happy to be at my current job. it's the working FT part that's difficult - or, more precisely, NOT having monday & wednesdays "off" that's hard. sigh. all right - will stop complaining now - thanks, whoever is out there reading, for listening to my rants & raves...

one more thing -- on a positive note, my blood work was GREAT last week. all my tests came back normal, i'm not at all anemic anymore (hard to believe i ever chewed ice - such a classic anemia symptom, though), and even my "good" cholesterol is better even though the dr. said that number is "false" since i'm on such a low-calorie diet now. whatever, i'll take whatever good news i can get. :)