so, yeah, i had funnel cake on saturday. one of my all-time favorite foods. we were at a "family fun day" and i split it with S and A, at least. and i didn't binge afterwards - or even want to. just trying to wrap my head around the fact that i can occasionally have "treats" and that i'm not being "bad".
in other news, still maintaining (i think - will go to GW on thursday for the first time in 2 weeks). i'm weighing myself at home every day on an old scale. it's kinda freaking me out since it fluctuates so much. i'm still eating more calories than i should/need to - prob. about 2000 a day. hoping to change that to 1500 as i want to lose 10 pounds before i'm a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding in 6 weeks! i lost 100 pounds in a little over 6 months and it's been exactly 3 months and i haven't even lost another 10 pounds (9 to be exact). frustrating! especially since it's ME - i'm the one eating more. ever since i've gone back to work full-time. sigh. well, at least i'm IN CONTROL - not binging - and not gaining weight. this summer i really truly hope to lose the last 20-30 pounds. sigh.
that being said, i am very (very!) thankful and grateful to be at the weight i'm at. to be able to wear cute clothes and feel confident and like myself. it's AWESOME.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
hanging in...
i have lots to write about but i'm exhausted - shocker,right?!? it's 1:37 am and i obviously should be in bed but since it's my last night of "spring break" (aka "the last morning i don't have to wake up at 6:30 am"), i'm "taking advantage" of my natural night-owl hours. oy... i so wish spring break wasn't ending! i love my job - really, i do - but it's so nice being OFF. FREEDOM to do what i want to do. love it!
we went to b'ham for Passover and it was, overall, a decent trip. A was well-behaved which was such a blessing! he seemed to enjoy being there, too (see photo - he loved swimming in my in-laws pool!). my MIL was fairly decent except for one crazy zinger. we are like oil and water... wow. anyway, i ate what i wanted - whatever i wanted, for the most part (didn't binge, though, just "gave in" to cravings) - for 3 days straight. it felt so... good... and "bad" at the same time. since i was eating really well on plan B the week before i managed not to lose any weight (actually lost a half a pound) so that was a relief. since we've been back, i'm back up to about 2000 calories a day. nothing too crazy but not where i was pre-trip (around 1500 calories a day). i hope to be back on track once spring break is over (in 1 day)! well, routine is good for eating purposes, at least. i hope to start walking again at night, too.
i've been shopping like there's no tomorrow. i'm LOVING it. i'm a size 14 or 16 pants (depending on the brand, fit, etc.) and a size 14 top and dress. i'm still buying XL tops even though i fit in most L tops. i have extra skin above my hips, though, which show if the top is form-fitting. :( i finally bought a new bra today - 38C - even though i'm prob. more like a D - i feel like my chest hasn't "shrunk" too much. last time i lost weight, it really did so it's kinda odd. however, i have lost a significant amount on most other areas so i'm not complaining... too much, that is.
that's about it. oh, A has been stuttering again which worries me. he stuttered for about a month almost 2 years ago and then it went away... now it's back... and my husband is a recovering stutterer (even though he says he still stutters, i never notice) and it is genetic. so... that's been on my mind. i'll probably see if it goes away in the upcoming weeks - if not, i'll look into it. it's always something!!! besides that, 4 has been great so far - knock on wood, i hope i didn't just jinx it! A has been much more cooperative and less tantrum-y. very thankful for that. he's such a sweetheart - he's my heart - there are no words for the love that we have for each other. anyway... i hope to post again soon AND i hope to start losing an average of 2 pounds a week again! would love to lose 10-15 more pounds before my brother's wedding on 6.18!
we went to b'ham for Passover and it was, overall, a decent trip. A was well-behaved which was such a blessing! he seemed to enjoy being there, too (see photo - he loved swimming in my in-laws pool!). my MIL was fairly decent except for one crazy zinger. we are like oil and water... wow. anyway, i ate what i wanted - whatever i wanted, for the most part (didn't binge, though, just "gave in" to cravings) - for 3 days straight. it felt so... good... and "bad" at the same time. since i was eating really well on plan B the week before i managed not to lose any weight (actually lost a half a pound) so that was a relief. since we've been back, i'm back up to about 2000 calories a day. nothing too crazy but not where i was pre-trip (around 1500 calories a day). i hope to be back on track once spring break is over (in 1 day)! well, routine is good for eating purposes, at least. i hope to start walking again at night, too.
i've been shopping like there's no tomorrow. i'm LOVING it. i'm a size 14 or 16 pants (depending on the brand, fit, etc.) and a size 14 top and dress. i'm still buying XL tops even though i fit in most L tops. i have extra skin above my hips, though, which show if the top is form-fitting. :( i finally bought a new bra today - 38C - even though i'm prob. more like a D - i feel like my chest hasn't "shrunk" too much. last time i lost weight, it really did so it's kinda odd. however, i have lost a significant amount on most other areas so i'm not complaining... too much, that is.
that's about it. oh, A has been stuttering again which worries me. he stuttered for about a month almost 2 years ago and then it went away... now it's back... and my husband is a recovering stutterer (even though he says he still stutters, i never notice) and it is genetic. so... that's been on my mind. i'll probably see if it goes away in the upcoming weeks - if not, i'll look into it. it's always something!!! besides that, 4 has been great so far - knock on wood, i hope i didn't just jinx it! A has been much more cooperative and less tantrum-y. very thankful for that. he's such a sweetheart - he's my heart - there are no words for the love that we have for each other. anyway... i hope to post again soon AND i hope to start losing an average of 2 pounds a week again! would love to lose 10-15 more pounds before my brother's wedding on 6.18!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Plan B (& other news)
well, i have written a TON of blog posts recently... in my head,at least! unfortunately, they have not made it to paper in recent weeks due to incredible busy-ness (that's a word, right?:)), exhaustion and not enough hours in the day - or, more accurately, in the night since i'm a night owl. ;)
overall, things have been... pretty good. fortunately, i got over my "slump" shortly after i wrote the last post. knowing that my "baby" was turning 4 made me very emotional, esp. since i don't know if i'll be having more children (which i'm currently completely undecided about... and i think about this ALL.THE.TIME.). sigh. i took most of the day off (from work) on his birthday on march 28th. it was a really good decision as he was SO HAPPY when i surprised him by coming home from work shortly after he woke up, with 8 balloons (his favorite) for him. he was so thrilled that he even let me take my photo with him (he usually hates it when i take pictures since i take soooo many)! See photos above... his smile made it all worth it! i also got to surprise him at school when he celebrated his birthday there and he loved his birthday cake that night. it turned out to be a very special day... as the last 4 years with him have been filled of. he really is the love of my life. we love listening to that song by car.ly si.mon together... which is used to sing to him when he was a baby. he told me on his birthday "mommy, you're the love of my life". sooo sweet, that child is. usually!!! actually, minus our trip to tar.get yesterday, when he was terrible (ugh), 4 has been great... knock on wood.
in other news... i am continuing to lost 1 pound a week eating 1800-2000 calories of bars/yogurt and eating out once a week. i'm very active in the sense that i move around a lot and i'm never sitting still for long - so that has been a blessing. i've also started walking a few times a week. however, i would like to lose 2 pounds a week so i'm cutting my calories down to about 1400 a day. i'm officially on "plan B" now where i eat lunch & dinner (real meals! usually le.an cui.sines or tuna) and have bars/yogurts for breakfast, a snack after work and a snack before bed. i'm feeling MUCH less hungry this way and it's nice to eat again. :) i do feel "in control" which is great. however, the saying "don't have it in the house" couldn't be more true! since i can technically eat "real food" now, i've bought reduced fat/calorie potato chips, ch.ex mix, chocolate graham cracker gold.fish, etc. i've also bought honey-roasted almonds (good protein) and i bought pe.eps yesterday (lots of sugar but no fat/few calories). the problem is these are mainly salts/sugars and even though 1 serving is okay, i usually have trouble stopping at 1 (shocker, right?). so i end up eating 200 calories (at least) worth purely due to emotional eating and the fact that i'm craving salt these days. so i'm going to have to stop buying these items. for now, at least. besides that, program B has been great.
so that's the scoop over here. overall, not too many complaints (knock on wood). hope all my readers are doing well, too... i plan to catch up on my blog reading next week (spring break - yahoo)!!! have a good day, everyone!!! :)
p.s. will update weight chart later - i'm down 108.5 now!
Friday, March 25, 2011
a ridiculous amount of stress :(
i'm ridiculously stressed. and probably a tad depressed (i hate that word), too. so many thoughts twirling around in my head, most (if not all) of them negative. and i hate negativity. some big thoughts like - "my husband and i aren't talking - i think we're really done this time - or at least i am". this is something that i've been feeling off/on (mainly on) for 5 years now. he wants to stay together. ideally, i do, too. but our marriage is so far from ideal that it's almost mind-boggling. more on that another day - it's toodraining to even write about it. then i worry about my kid who's turning 4 (OMG) on monday. is he okay? is he "normal"? i don't know. i wish i had a magic ball that could tell me that he's FINE, that he'll be FINE, etc. etc. etc. but there's no such thing. so i just worry. and feel guilt. lots & lots of guilt. for working so much. for not always being with him when i'm not working (like now when i'm blogging). just a lot of guilt. and sadness. which makes me want to eat. and eat. and eat. and eat. fortunately (?) i've only been eating excess protein bars & yogurts... my pattern for almost 2 months now. which has tremendously slowed down my weight loss. but i am still losing - albeit slowly - and i am thankful for that. i just feel kind-of out of control. not on the outside but definitely on the inside. it's like this overwhelming feeling of anxiety? fatigue? dysthymia (low-grade depression?). it's not that i'm unhappy. it's just i'm not really happy. if that makes sense? for example, i would love to go to GW tomorrow and then take a long nap and then have time with A and then pretend that my husband and i actually still liked each other and hang out. but that's not the plan. sigh. sorry to be so negative, i'm just feeling so ugh. :(
Monday, March 21, 2011
almost... "NORMAL"
My little love, A, is turning 4 in six days. OMG (more on that later). this past saturday was his "finding ne.mo" birthday party. the morning started out beyond stressful (there was a 5K going on at the site of his birthday with no entrance into the rec center - enough said) but everything turned out well. unfortunately, i was seriously S.T.R.E.S.S.E.D. throughout the whole party, though. too bad... :( but little love seemed to have a great time. another point of stress was that my size 16W Levi's kept falling down. i'm THRILLED that i'm now a size 14 jeans (YAHOO!) - but wish i didn't come to that realization during his party. in some pics you can actually see my pink underwear! yikes!!! one super cool thing i noticed, though, is that i look somewhat "normal" in the photos (albeit tired)! i used to rarely allow my pic to be even taken and when it was... well, i looked pretty darn big... see photos above (for some reason, i can't move them to this paragraph - annoying!) of me in the first pic - in the black dress. it was taken in june 2008 - and that wasn't even at my highest weight. i look BIG, esp. next to my (admittedly very thin) friend. now, in the recent pics taken on saturday, i look somewhat "normal". i'm not "standing out" (literally) for being so large. even though, i must confess, i did zoom in the pic of me standing and analyzed "the fat rolls" that you could see in my apparently-too-tight-but-so-cute new gap t-shirt. anyway, it feels GREAT to look normal again and not stand out (even though my undergarments were - ugh)!!! it also felt great to buy 2 short, form-fitting dresses last week that are beyond cute.
About 10 pounds to go until my bmi changes from "obese" to "overweight". looking forward to that day. then it will really feel REAL (hopefully). i definitely feel like "myself" again. it's the best motivator yet (well, that and the cute dresses, haha). ;)
Monday, March 14, 2011
maintaining (not on purpose!)
still here... just maintaining... only 3.2 pounds less than i was 5 weeks ago... definitely due to the fact that i'm still eating (at least) 6 protein bar/yogurt servings a day instead of 4. mainly this is due to fatigue and stress which makes me feel SERIOUS HUNGER most hours of the day. ugh. dr suggested taking a prescription appetite suppressant (sp?) but i'd rather not. really do want to lose 20-50 pounds (yes, that's quite a range!) more. i'm still 8 pounds away from a "overweight" bmi instead of "obese". hopefully by april! if i could only stop eating so many f'ing bars a day!
off to work...
off to work...
Thursday, February 24, 2011
plateau
really quick post since i don't want to be late to work again... for some reason i have the most motivation to blog in the morning before work when i have literally 2 minutes to do so. anyway, i am plateau-ing for the first time since i began this"adventure" back in july. this is completely of my doing. long story short, i am eating waaaay more calories than i "should" if i were to lose weight. i'm technically still on plan A, which is bars/shakes/yogurts (with carrots & pickles thrown in for good measure:)) but instead of eating 4 servings of each a day, i'm eating 6-8(?) - i usually stop counting after 4! WHY is the big question. not exactly sure of the "answer" but here are some possibilities -
a. hunger - real hunger, not emotional (usually). my typical day begins at 6:30 and ends at 12:30 (or later - gulp) and when you're only eating bars/yogurts, you get HUNGRY every 2-3 hours. of course going to bed earlier would help with this. what doesn't help is that A hasn't been falling asleep until 11 (he's in bed by 10) and wants me with him until he's asleep. since he naps at school he literally can't fall asleep earlier. it kinda sucks. plus, when i'm tired (which is usually all day until i can nap), i tend to feel very hungry (which i read is biologically correct - if you don't get enough sleep, your hunger hormones (cortisol???) is"off".
b. boredom/stress/etc. - definite emotional hunger here. not to the extent where i'm craving junk or binging or anything like that - just craving food. i've been chewing A LOT of gum this month!
c. Dr. P's theory - the GW guru's theory that once you get to a weight that you're more satisfied with, you don't feel the desperation to "diet" as much (don't quote me here on this)... your motivation goes down as your weight goes down or something like that. makes total sense and i know that's what's happening here since this "plateau" started once i hit 100 pounds lost.
d. the "fear of success"/fat dependency, etc. - i don't think this is happening too much with me but it's a possibility as i'm getting smaller.
i would love to start working out but it's hard finding the time! unfortunately i can't go to GW tonight as i'm swamped getting the house ready for my in-laws visit tomorrow (yikes!). thanks for letting me"share" this morning, blog readers. all right, now i'm in a mad rush for work. happy thursday, everyone!!! ;)
a. hunger - real hunger, not emotional (usually). my typical day begins at 6:30 and ends at 12:30 (or later - gulp) and when you're only eating bars/yogurts, you get HUNGRY every 2-3 hours. of course going to bed earlier would help with this. what doesn't help is that A hasn't been falling asleep until 11 (he's in bed by 10) and wants me with him until he's asleep. since he naps at school he literally can't fall asleep earlier. it kinda sucks. plus, when i'm tired (which is usually all day until i can nap), i tend to feel very hungry (which i read is biologically correct - if you don't get enough sleep, your hunger hormones (cortisol???) is"off".
b. boredom/stress/etc. - definite emotional hunger here. not to the extent where i'm craving junk or binging or anything like that - just craving food. i've been chewing A LOT of gum this month!
c. Dr. P's theory - the GW guru's theory that once you get to a weight that you're more satisfied with, you don't feel the desperation to "diet" as much (don't quote me here on this)... your motivation goes down as your weight goes down or something like that. makes total sense and i know that's what's happening here since this "plateau" started once i hit 100 pounds lost.
d. the "fear of success"/fat dependency, etc. - i don't think this is happening too much with me but it's a possibility as i'm getting smaller.
i would love to start working out but it's hard finding the time! unfortunately i can't go to GW tonight as i'm swamped getting the house ready for my in-laws visit tomorrow (yikes!). thanks for letting me"share" this morning, blog readers. all right, now i'm in a mad rush for work. happy thursday, everyone!!! ;)
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
"ONE-DERFUL"
I got "ONE-DEFUL" news on Thursday -- I'm now in the 100's range! Well, 199.4 but I see the "1"! Yahoo! I am now revealing that I weighed 301.2 pounds when I started out on this journey on July 10... took a while to admit to myself, let alone the blogosphere, that number but i'm proud of how far i've come. i've told some close family & friend members along the way, too. nobody seemed that surprised that i weighed so much. guess it was obvious to everyone - everyone but me, ms. denial. ANYWAY -- hopefully i'll never see that number - or even a "2" - number again!
which may be tricky b/c all i want to do is eat, eat. eat! not junk but something. anything. ugh.
today was a SNOW DAY - awesome, awesome, awesome especially since A had school. we had the morning together and then i finally got to run some errands and catch up on some rest. Nice. i'm off to pick my little love up... more soon!
Oh, yes, I am wearing JEANS in the pic... size 16... SWEEEET! they are Levi's 16W - not sure if i would fit in the "regular" 16's yet... soon, hopefully! my goal is to get into a size 14 "regular"! :) Oh, and my husband is THE WORST PHOTOGRAPHER (sorry, sweetie, but it's true). or maybe i really did look this tired the other day. probably the latter!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
- sleep + stress = :o(
the title of my post says it all -- not enough sleep PLUS added stress has equaled to an anxious/overwhelmed me. not too terribly surprising, i'm turning to food to self-soothe/regulate my emotions (thank you, GW, for that expression!). fortunately, i'm not binging or even eating anything "off plan" (besides the occasional v-day chocolate yesterday) but i've continued to eat 5-6 proteins bar AND 5-6 yogurts a day instead of my usual 4. as a result, i was up a pound last week (most likely due to water retention from lack of sleep - but still) and i'm more likely maintaining instead of losing. plus (no pun intended!), i feel slightly "out of control" (food-wise) when i'm eating more than i should. some of it is really due to pure hunger and some is more emotional and raw. when i'm tired, i'm literally hungry. and i've been tired A LOT due to my increased work schedule (now working full-time for the 1st time in 4 years) and the fact that A has a cold and has been very clingy (esp. at night - coming in to my bed several times a night) since i started back to work FT. so my numero uno emotion today is EXHAUSTION.
following behind a close 2nd is GUILT... a nasty emotion, one of the therapists noted at GW last week. i feel VERY GUILTY for working FT and not seeing A in the mornings all week (not till 5-6 pm each night). i feel VERY GUILTY for not picking A up earlier at night b/c i try to sneak in a nap (due to the lack of sleep - see numero uno) before picking him up. i also feel guilty for sleeping a lot this weekend (catching up on sleep) instead of being with him more. :( as a result, he was TERRIBLE last night. one of his worst evenings yet. very attention-seeking (such as purposely peeing on the floor), wild (throwing things), not affectionate, yelling, demanding, etc. which of course makes me want to spend even LESS time with him when he is so obviously crying out for MORE time with me. i feel guilty even writing that but it's the truth. I LOVE MY CHILD MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD!!! sometimes it's hard, though. and very worrisome when he's acting out so much. :( i'm trying not to overthink it YET since this is still a new transition (the working FT thing) and just hoping for better days/nights ahead.
speaking of which, i need to get ready for work. hopefully i won't jinx it when i say that is going well (knock on wood). last week was School Counselor Week and i received the sweetest cards from my students. my principal bought me a lovely fruit arrangement and attached a really nice note. i do love my job and if i have to work FT, i'm definitely happy to be at my current job. it's the working FT part that's difficult - or, more precisely, NOT having monday & wednesdays "off" that's hard. sigh. all right - will stop complaining now - thanks, whoever is out there reading, for listening to my rants & raves...
one more thing -- on a positive note, my blood work was GREAT last week. all my tests came back normal, i'm not at all anemic anymore (hard to believe i ever chewed ice - such a classic anemia symptom, though), and even my "good" cholesterol is better even though the dr. said that number is "false" since i'm on such a low-calorie diet now. whatever, i'll take whatever good news i can get. :)
following behind a close 2nd is GUILT... a nasty emotion, one of the therapists noted at GW last week. i feel VERY GUILTY for working FT and not seeing A in the mornings all week (not till 5-6 pm each night). i feel VERY GUILTY for not picking A up earlier at night b/c i try to sneak in a nap (due to the lack of sleep - see numero uno) before picking him up. i also feel guilty for sleeping a lot this weekend (catching up on sleep) instead of being with him more. :( as a result, he was TERRIBLE last night. one of his worst evenings yet. very attention-seeking (such as purposely peeing on the floor), wild (throwing things), not affectionate, yelling, demanding, etc. which of course makes me want to spend even LESS time with him when he is so obviously crying out for MORE time with me. i feel guilty even writing that but it's the truth. I LOVE MY CHILD MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD!!! sometimes it's hard, though. and very worrisome when he's acting out so much. :( i'm trying not to overthink it YET since this is still a new transition (the working FT thing) and just hoping for better days/nights ahead.
speaking of which, i need to get ready for work. hopefully i won't jinx it when i say that is going well (knock on wood). last week was School Counselor Week and i received the sweetest cards from my students. my principal bought me a lovely fruit arrangement and attached a really nice note. i do love my job and if i have to work FT, i'm definitely happy to be at my current job. it's the working FT part that's difficult - or, more precisely, NOT having monday & wednesdays "off" that's hard. sigh. all right - will stop complaining now - thanks, whoever is out there reading, for listening to my rants & raves...
one more thing -- on a positive note, my blood work was GREAT last week. all my tests came back normal, i'm not at all anemic anymore (hard to believe i ever chewed ice - such a classic anemia symptom, though), and even my "good" cholesterol is better even though the dr. said that number is "false" since i'm on such a low-calorie diet now. whatever, i'll take whatever good news i can get. :)
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
ch-ch-ch-CHANGES
as my post title mentions, i'm going through lots of changes and not just of the weight-loss type. the biggest news is that, starting tomorrow, i'll be working FULL-TIME (5 days a week) instead of 3 days as week like i have been the last 1.5 years. overall, this is a good thing and something i wanted (i think). long story short... i love my job and the school that i'm at... so when my supervisor asked if i was interested working FT now - which, ultimately, should allow me to stay at my current school next year, too - i said i would be. i didn't think it would happen so fast, though. i'm a little nervous about giving up my "2 days off" (which have been heavenly and so crucial for my weight-loss - having time for me) but job security + higher income is always a good thing. i'm hoping to get into a regular routine this way, too. i'm a total night owl so i'm up WAAAY too late most nights... now that i HAVE to get up at 6:30 every morning (as opposed to 8:00 the 2 days i'm off - when A usually wakes up) will force me (hopefully) to get to bed earlier (midnight is my goal) the entire week. i'm also hoping to start to work-out 3-5 days a week and being on a more regular routine should help with that. so we'll say how everything pans out (what a strange expression). at this very moment, i'm super excited that i have another day off (woo-hoo!) due to very minor freezing drizzle. days off are even more special now that i'm working all week. that being said, i hope i don't slid on the ice like i did a few weeks ago, causing a fender bender!!!
in other news, i have begun working out! yay! only once a week - for now - 30 minutes on the treadmill at 3.5 speed (no incline) - definitely taking it slow to begin with - but it feels great. of course, not great enough to raise my motivation to actually go to the gym more but hopefully with my new routine (see above ;)) that will change. my gym is really nice, too, and i'm sick of paying over 100 bucks a month (family membership) since august and literally not going until this month.
oh, i had a big news flash last week - when i'm tired, i am STARVING. it feels like physical hunger but i know if i was rested, i wouldn't get so hungry - so it's kind-of a catch 22. it's left me eating 5-6 proteins/yogurts a day (instead of my usual 4) which caused my weight loss to slow down a bit this week. it also causes me to feel genuine hunger and the need to eat.eat.eat all.day.long. even though i'm only eating protein bars/yogurts for the most part (and not even craving anything else), it's still an uncontrollable feeling, in a way. it also causes me to chew a ridiculous amount of gum each day. i've realized that i can't stand the taste of food in my mouth (after i eat). i must chew gum then. when i used to smoke (i smoked for 5 years and quit 8.5 years ago), i had that same feeling - must smoke after eating. of course, gum chewing is much healthier but still... i'm trying to get rid of all food-type obsessions or whatever you call it.
i went to GW this past saturday morning since the roads were icy this past thursday night. i LOVE going in on saturday (besides having to wake up very early to go in)! i know so many people there now that it's beginning to feel like a real community for me. i love my GW friends and continue to find myself feeling so grateful and appreciative to this program (and not only b/c of the weight-loss)! it's an AMAZING program in every way. speaking of weight loss.... i was 2.8 pounds lighter but it was a morning weigh-in so, in my eyes, i really just plateaued this week. not too surprising considering the extra calories i consumed (on extra proteins/yogurt plus a slice of pizza ) this week. did i mention that our electricity was out for 33 hours during the snow storm last week. yep. not fun.
enough random rambling for this morning... be back soon... hopefully with a "i lost 100 pounds - yahoo!" update - i'm at 98.5 pounds now! so close!
in other news, i have begun working out! yay! only once a week - for now - 30 minutes on the treadmill at 3.5 speed (no incline) - definitely taking it slow to begin with - but it feels great. of course, not great enough to raise my motivation to actually go to the gym more but hopefully with my new routine (see above ;)) that will change. my gym is really nice, too, and i'm sick of paying over 100 bucks a month (family membership) since august and literally not going until this month.
oh, i had a big news flash last week - when i'm tired, i am STARVING. it feels like physical hunger but i know if i was rested, i wouldn't get so hungry - so it's kind-of a catch 22. it's left me eating 5-6 proteins/yogurts a day (instead of my usual 4) which caused my weight loss to slow down a bit this week. it also causes me to feel genuine hunger and the need to eat.eat.eat all.day.long. even though i'm only eating protein bars/yogurts for the most part (and not even craving anything else), it's still an uncontrollable feeling, in a way. it also causes me to chew a ridiculous amount of gum each day. i've realized that i can't stand the taste of food in my mouth (after i eat). i must chew gum then. when i used to smoke (i smoked for 5 years and quit 8.5 years ago), i had that same feeling - must smoke after eating. of course, gum chewing is much healthier but still... i'm trying to get rid of all food-type obsessions or whatever you call it.
i went to GW this past saturday morning since the roads were icy this past thursday night. i LOVE going in on saturday (besides having to wake up very early to go in)! i know so many people there now that it's beginning to feel like a real community for me. i love my GW friends and continue to find myself feeling so grateful and appreciative to this program (and not only b/c of the weight-loss)! it's an AMAZING program in every way. speaking of weight loss.... i was 2.8 pounds lighter but it was a morning weigh-in so, in my eyes, i really just plateaued this week. not too surprising considering the extra calories i consumed (on extra proteins/yogurt plus a slice of pizza ) this week. did i mention that our electricity was out for 33 hours during the snow storm last week. yep. not fun.
enough random rambling for this morning... be back soon... hopefully with a "i lost 100 pounds - yahoo!" update - i'm at 98.5 pounds now! so close!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
the plan from here...
hi all - if there is an "all" - not sure if anyone is even reading this little blog anymore? hello? if you are reading, please let me know :) - i'm just curious. :) regardless if i have any readers or not (somewhat sad, admittedly - lol), this has been a good way to track my feelings/updates regarding my weight loss. i feel/think so much about it every day - and hear comments now on my weight loss every.single.day - but it's hard to find the time to sit down and process everything. i'm trying to do so once a week from now on. speaking of goals...
-- i'm almost at my first goal which is to lose 100 pounds. my second goal is only 2.2 pounds after that... which has to do with my actual weight... which i will (finally) reveal when i hit the 2nd goal. hey, it took ME 3 years to see how much i weighed (i accidently saw my weight my 2nd week on program - not on purpose!) which is why i'm so hesitant to reveal my weight "on-line". but i will. hopefully soon. i now tell close friends and gw friends my starting weight - so i'm coming around.
-- after i hit the first 2 goals, my next goal is to lose about 20 more pounds (so about 25-28 pounds away depending on my weight tomorrow which may not be good since i ate extra bars & yogurts all week - i was sooo hungry!) on program A (bars/shakes/yogurt) with the occasional meal off the plan. *** see below ***
-- after i hit that 3rd goal - which should put me at a size 12/14 (hopefully!) - i will transition to plan B which is 600 "real food" calories a day plus 2 meal replacements (shakes/bars) & yogurts a day - a total of 1000 - 1200 calories a day. i would LOVE to lose another 20 pounds this way (almost 50 pounds away from my current weight - almost 150 pounds total - omg. i should be on Peop.le Magazine!) but we'll see how everything's going.
-- after that -- definitely down the road, i obviously would like to transition to a healthy diet of 1400 - 1800 calories a day -- 3 healthy "real" meals a day and 2-3 snacks which will probably consist of protein bars & yogurt (i really do like them) to maintain the weight. i will also "treat myself" to 1-2 meals (probably at a restaurant) each week. :)
i haven't mentioned any of this to my doctor and i haven't even met with a dietician or taken a dietician's class yet but this is how i'm kinda picturing it to go. we shall see.
*** i should mention that there's a SMALL chance that i may (may!) try to get pregnant between now and june (we haven't decided yet - i'm anxious even thinking about it!) which of course means i'll put on 15-20 pounds. i had no problem losing weight after A so i'm not too stressed about this. i'll be at a much lower pregnancy weight, too, then i was with A.***
-- i'm almost at my first goal which is to lose 100 pounds. my second goal is only 2.2 pounds after that... which has to do with my actual weight... which i will (finally) reveal when i hit the 2nd goal. hey, it took ME 3 years to see how much i weighed (i accidently saw my weight my 2nd week on program - not on purpose!) which is why i'm so hesitant to reveal my weight "on-line". but i will. hopefully soon. i now tell close friends and gw friends my starting weight - so i'm coming around.
-- after i hit the first 2 goals, my next goal is to lose about 20 more pounds (so about 25-28 pounds away depending on my weight tomorrow which may not be good since i ate extra bars & yogurts all week - i was sooo hungry!) on program A (bars/shakes/yogurt) with the occasional meal off the plan. *** see below ***
-- after i hit that 3rd goal - which should put me at a size 12/14 (hopefully!) - i will transition to plan B which is 600 "real food" calories a day plus 2 meal replacements (shakes/bars) & yogurts a day - a total of 1000 - 1200 calories a day. i would LOVE to lose another 20 pounds this way (almost 50 pounds away from my current weight - almost 150 pounds total - omg. i should be on Peop.le Magazine!) but we'll see how everything's going.
-- after that -- definitely down the road, i obviously would like to transition to a healthy diet of 1400 - 1800 calories a day -- 3 healthy "real" meals a day and 2-3 snacks which will probably consist of protein bars & yogurt (i really do like them) to maintain the weight. i will also "treat myself" to 1-2 meals (probably at a restaurant) each week. :)
i haven't mentioned any of this to my doctor and i haven't even met with a dietician or taken a dietician's class yet but this is how i'm kinda picturing it to go. we shall see.
*** i should mention that there's a SMALL chance that i may (may!) try to get pregnant between now and june (we haven't decided yet - i'm anxious even thinking about it!) which of course means i'll put on 15-20 pounds. i had no problem losing weight after A so i'm not too stressed about this. i'll be at a much lower pregnancy weight, too, then i was with A.***
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Food is no longer my friend & other updates
Hello all! Happy (very belated) New Year!!! I have missed writing here so much! Been incredibly busy with the holidays, trip to CA, getting back into the routine/work, etc. The good news is that I'm still doing really well with the program. I "celebrated" six months on the program this past weekend and am down 91.6 pounds, officially. Here are some other highlights:
-- Holidays were difficult, in terms of food. I LOVE BAKED GOODS and one of my students baked the most delicious "snowflake" and choc. chip cookies for me - YUM! I had 1-2 little cookies a day and a few "tastes" of other "holiday" foods for a few weeks in December. I even ate very fattening food - but in moderate amounts - at a holiday brunch one morning. It was the most "tempted" I had been since starting the program. My strategy of just having "a little bit" worked, though... this holiday season, at least. Very, very cool.
-- We went to Palm Springs, CA to meet up with my brothers at the end of the month. It was great spending time with them even though A was a MESS being outside of his "comfort zone" (home). He was overtired, overstimulated, overeverything most of the time which caused a ridiculous amount of stress for me. Food-wise, I did great, if I do say so myself. :) I ate out 1-2 meals a day - which I had planned to do - and had protein bars/shakes/yogurt the rest of the time (kinda like Plan B, I imagine). I made HEALTHY CHOICES the entire time (grilled chicken wrap sandwiches, salmon with veggies, frozen yogurt, etc.). It felt really great - eating what I wanted, for the most part - but choosing healthy items. This was HUGE for me (no pun intended) and hopefully a sign of future success of keeping the weight off. Hopefully.
-- I've come to realize that food is no longer my friend - both good & not-so-good news. A has been awesome - for the most part - since we've been back. However, he had a meltdown when I picked him up yesterday. Not sure what it was about - probably need for attention/boredom - but, once again, it really upset me and sent me a mini panic attack. I realized that I didn't want food then or even afterwards, when I was feeling a bit better. I realized that even if I had eaten (binged), it wouldn't have lessened the anxiety I was feeling - well, maybe for a minute but that's about it. I guess food can no longer dull my anxiety and pain. Which is great BUT it was a real comfort for so long... it's like swimming without a lifejacket - or something like that!
I'm running late for work so I need to end this post. I'll be back soon, though! :)
-- Holidays were difficult, in terms of food. I LOVE BAKED GOODS and one of my students baked the most delicious "snowflake" and choc. chip cookies for me - YUM! I had 1-2 little cookies a day and a few "tastes" of other "holiday" foods for a few weeks in December. I even ate very fattening food - but in moderate amounts - at a holiday brunch one morning. It was the most "tempted" I had been since starting the program. My strategy of just having "a little bit" worked, though... this holiday season, at least. Very, very cool.
-- We went to Palm Springs, CA to meet up with my brothers at the end of the month. It was great spending time with them even though A was a MESS being outside of his "comfort zone" (home). He was overtired, overstimulated, overeverything most of the time which caused a ridiculous amount of stress for me. Food-wise, I did great, if I do say so myself. :) I ate out 1-2 meals a day - which I had planned to do - and had protein bars/shakes/yogurt the rest of the time (kinda like Plan B, I imagine). I made HEALTHY CHOICES the entire time (grilled chicken wrap sandwiches, salmon with veggies, frozen yogurt, etc.). It felt really great - eating what I wanted, for the most part - but choosing healthy items. This was HUGE for me (no pun intended) and hopefully a sign of future success of keeping the weight off. Hopefully.
-- I've come to realize that food is no longer my friend - both good & not-so-good news. A has been awesome - for the most part - since we've been back. However, he had a meltdown when I picked him up yesterday. Not sure what it was about - probably need for attention/boredom - but, once again, it really upset me and sent me a mini panic attack. I realized that I didn't want food then or even afterwards, when I was feeling a bit better. I realized that even if I had eaten (binged), it wouldn't have lessened the anxiety I was feeling - well, maybe for a minute but that's about it. I guess food can no longer dull my anxiety and pain. Which is great BUT it was a real comfort for so long... it's like swimming without a lifejacket - or something like that!
I'm running late for work so I need to end this post. I'll be back soon, though! :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)