Hungry Days - UPDATE

Ever since I started back to work (a week ago tomorrow, 3 days a week), I've been MUCH HUNGRIER... the hungriest I've been since I started this program.

It feels like physical hunger but I'm sure there's some "emotional hunger"mixed in. I ate more than 1/2 a jar of pickles today (I'm supposed to have 5 spears a day for the sodium) and that helped for the most part. I also nibbled a bit on A's chicken for dinner -- just a few bites, but still. I'm just... hungry. Ugh. I would love to eat anything I want now.... just eat & eat & eat.

I've felt very "challenged" on the program the last few days. I'm sticking to the plan (literally) but I don't want to! I want to EAT... and not healthy things either... just being honest here.

Hopefully it will get easier.
UPDATE: I ended up eating the whole huge jar of pickle spears. Oy. and I chewed 2 pieces of gum and I never chew gum....

Beginning to see "me" again....

June 2010... and August 2010

Guess I really HAVE lost weight!

Funny, I got blonde highlights tonight (not on purpose but I like them... so weird to have anything "blonde" on me) and I had the receptionist at the salon take a picture... which I posted on my FB account. I got about 20 comments saying how great I look... wasn't really sure WHY, I mean it's just ME and I don't even think that picture is that great. However, my mom really loved it and, believe me, she would SO tell me if she didn't! So, I was going through pictures taken from a few months ago. There aren't that many since I was so big and didn't feel like me... like someone stuck in a huge fat suit that WON'T COME OFF without GREAT EFFORT, SWEAT AND TEARS. Guess I was right about THAT. Anyway, now I can see why everyone is making such a big deal (no pun intended)... I really do look significantly "less" and less is more, right? =)

Another positive... I was able to walk FAST, comfortably, in the mall tonight. Haven't been able to do that in a looooong time!

So why do I feel like EATING now? Probably b/c I feel happy and I equate happiness to food.... like in order to celebrate feeling good, I should eat... to celebrate. Just another feeling I'll have to work out in the months ahead.

big time RANT (apologies in advance)

today was ROUGH, people. i'm struggling a bit. i've realized that i've "talked about my feelings" and cried more these past 7 weeks (since starting the program) than i probably have in a year!!!

part of the problem is i'm totally sleep deprived. i only slept 3-4 hours the past 2 nights. and it's 12:55 and i'm WIDE AWAKE. did i mention i'm waking up at 6? yep. i seriously have trouble functioning when i'm sleep deprived. i get a little manic and emotional. it's lovely. i managed to keep my cool at work (THANK G-D) but i lost my s*&t more or less when i went to gw tonight.

it started off with a trip to the scale when i got there. once again i was speechless and shocked. but not so much in a good way seeing that i f'ing GAINED 1.2 POUNDS WHILE PERFECTLYSTAYING ON THE PROGRAM and even walking a bit this week. WTF?!? (side note: after i, um, peed, i was only 1/2 pound up. but still... come on!!!). these are the thoughts that went through my head:

1. i'm being"punished" for being so excited and over confident about my weight loss... hence the weight gain.

2. my body is "rebelling"... i won't be able to lose any more weight and that terrifies me b/c, well, i kinda LOVE losing weight and feeling like myself again. and fitting into clothes. that's a big one. =)

3. my body is "used" to 900 calories a day (seriously, body?!?) and, therefore, i'm plateauing and need to decrease to 800 calories (i really hope it's not that... that really would be painful. literally). BTW... thanks, MOM, for suggesting that to me tonight!!! (yes, my mom did suggest that... no, she does not read this blog).

4. (the more rational thought): i lost a s*&tload of weight the past 3 weeks (16 pounds) so it's not *that bad* and i'm probably retaining some water.

because I'm f'ing exhausted, i'm going to go with #4. for this week, at least... and keep on keeping on... that phrase looks really weird written.

lots more to write about... like how i was a TOTAL FREAKSHOW (i'm so embarrassed!) during the 2nd group tonight which had to do with attachment theory when you're a baby. OMG, i really am MORTIFIED, people. wow. i'll try to post more of the details tomorrow.

for now, i REALLY hope i can get some sleep so i can funtion at work tomorrow.

oh, did i mention i didn't see my kid at all today? except for when he woke up all sleepy this morning and just wanted daddy... when he usually only wants me? i think he's mad that i'm back at work and not with him as much... i'm very sad about this. =(

oh, did i also mention that my husband and i had a really intense "conversation" tonight. yep.

that's all, folks (for tonight, at least!)... thanks for listening/reading...

B
p.s. any new readers? just curious...

On a HIGH....

I am beginning to feel GREAT!!! Here's why:

* I'm feeling healthier, lighter, etc.

* Today one of A's teachers commented that I've lost weight... and when I went to dinner with some friends, they were beyond complimentary... made me feel like I've lost 100 pounds (not yet).

* I fit into capri pants so I can wear them to the work retreat on Wed.... yay!

* I had S take some pics tonight.... not only do I look lighter, I look HAPPY (see above)

* I'm beginning to feel & look like ME again after 4 years! Sweet!

And... one thing that makes me a little nervous...

My thyroid meds have been reduced... hope that doesn't slow down my loss!

P.S. I'm beginning to "document" my weight loss in pics on the right side of the blog!

Wrapping up week 6...

So... A does have Hand, Foot & Mo.uth, a terrible illness! He didn't eat for almost a week! He's finally on the mend, knock on wood! Of course, now my ear, throat and head is hurting... Oy. I can NOT afford to get sick now!!!

In weight-y news, the program continues to go well. I am just so happy with it. I absolutely love the groups/classes and it's nice having an afternoon in D.C. each week. I'm beginning to fit in my "old clothes" so my wardrobe is pretty big now. Most exciting is that I lost another 6 pounds this week... unreal! That brings my total t0 35.8! I know that the weight loss is going to slow down -- and soon -- but I'll take it when I can get it!!!

In "medical news", I got my blood work back. My thyroid is all over the place... I need less thryroid meds now, which is good -- from .187 to .150. My anemia is (slowly) getting better, too. However, my liver enzymes(?) were off... the count(?) went from 12 to 43. Dr. F says this can happen when people lose weight so he's just monitoring it for now. Always has to be something, right?!?

Down on Main Street

I keep listening to the Bob Seg.er song,"Main Str.eet"I absolutely LOVE that song. I first "discovered" it when I was a senior back in high school, back in '93! My high school was on Main Street so this song always makes me nostalgic. It's a pretty cool song and helps me calm down when I'm feeling FRAZZLED AND STRESSED like I am now!!!

My 3-year-old, A, is sick. He has a terrible canker sore... or at least the Dr. thought that was all it was (with a slightly red ear and throat) on Monday. However, I found out today that 2 kids in his class have Hand, Foot and Mou.th disease.... so how coincidental is that? I'm sure that's what he has even though he doesn't have any other symptoms (fever, sores on hands, feet, etc.). Who knows. Spoke to the Dr. on call tonight and she said canker sores or H F M... both viruses and there's nothing you can do. Sigh. Adam is f'ing miserable!!! He can't eat, at all... 3 days now! He can sip juice or milk from a little straw, Thank G-d, but that's about it. He cries out in pain throughout the night (he's slept in our bed the last 3 nights) and will cry out in pain throughout the day. It's really lovely. Today he flippin' LOST IT for over an hour... just crying... hysterically... there was no reasoning with him.... it's like he lost his mind or something. Finally I convinced him to drink some juice and milk... and then, Thank G-d, he felt better and calmed down. Even played football with Daddy for an hour. Anyway, the whole thing has really gotten me on edge.

I also got a "welcome back to work" e-mail from my boss.... work starts back on Wed. We are having some time of retreat/outdoor activity the first day back. I need to wear shorts. I haven't worn shorts in 6 or 7 years. OMG. I'm also not really in shape, to say the least. And there's a bitg luncheon afterwards... we have to order now... I guess I'll just order a salad and pick at it. To say I'm already stressed about this is a very mild understatement.

I guess as a result of all the above, I'm HUNGRY tonight. I know it's more emotional hunger but it's hunger none-the-less. I'll be okay... just hoping my little love feels better tomorrow... and that it's a better day, overall. I have GW tomorrow so that will be good. I missed going today... I really like the Wednesday groups... hopefully I'll enjoy the groups tomorrow, too. Until then...

Week 5 update

It has been too long since my last post!

I'm at the point where I think about my "weight loss journey" almost 24/7 which is annoying but also somewhat motivating. I'm kinda obsessed with it, to be quite honest. I record (on this great application I found for my phone) everything I eat... and I try to stay at 900 calories a day (which is what I'm supposed to be consuming for this program). I haven't really started exercising yet but I'm definitely walking more than I have been. We joined this awesome health club a few months ago and I finally found some work-out clothes that fit... so I hope to start actually going!

I lost 3.4 pounds this week which brings my total to 29.8 -- .2 pounds away from 30 pounds. Sweet!

The program has become a "habit" now... I really don't crave "real food" and I rarely get hungry which is kinda crazy... but I'm thankful for that. It has almost become effortless. I'm surprised that I don't miss food as much as I thought I would. I was so heavily "addicted" to sugar, carbs, etc. It's amazing that I can "survive" without sweets... at least for now. No, I'm thinking positive... one day at a time (even though now it's more like "one week at a time")... so far, so good! Yay!

1st vacation that didn't involve eating, drinking and MORE eating!!!

We are back from Oc.ean City... which was, overall, a really nice vacation. I was kinda dreading it for several reasons... one being that I wouldn't be able to eat like I normally would. Ever since I was little, vacation = yummy, yummy food. My whole family is super healthy and my mom always cooked us healthy meals growing up with very little junk around the house. When we were on vacation, we were allowed to eat junk. I still remember how excited I was in Dis.ney World (age 9 or 10) when my mom enthusiastically bought my little brother and I Mick.ey Mouse ice cream pops (the one of Mickey's head)... I was so surprised! Since then, I think I have equated vacation to "eating all the junk you want". As a result, I wasn't sure if I would be able to have a nice vacation while on my program (ridiculous, but true). My birthday was also on Saturday and, of course, that's another day where I've always eaten whatever I have wanted PLUS tons of cake. So, needless to say, I was a little concerned.

Shockingly, I found out that I could still have a wonderful vacation without hoarding tons of fried food into my mouth... who knew?!? Of course, I would've loved some crab legs (mmm) or funnel cake... but those things aren't going anywhere... I'll have them again, one day. For now, my "special treat" was a kid-size 98% fat free frozen yogurt at TC.BY. My only question is why did so many TC.BY's go out of business?!? It's truly delicious! Anyway... it felt really great to be "in control" at the beach. Instead of gaining my usual 5-10 pounds during a vacation, I lost 7.4 pounds. NIIICE. One night I was feeling really frustrated... definitely in the mood to eat eat eat but I had a good cry with my mom instead. I'm learning ways/strategies to handle things... besides eating... of course, this usually involves shopping, but I'm working on it. =)

P.S. You see that birthday cake, up above? I only had 1 bite and really felt fine about it. Really. As corny as it sounds, I am seriously "choosing HEALTH" this year!

26 pounds in 26 days!

I lost 7.4 pounds this week (unbelievable!) which brings my total to 26.4 lbs in 26 days.

YAHOO!!!

Lots more to write in the upcoming days!