no words

i am feeling so incredibly terrible/scared/depressed. i wish it was only because i ate 3 (or 4?) holiday cookies today & some other very-fattening-brunch-food at a friends' holiday gathering. and even though i wish i hadn't (i should've stopped at 1 cookie and eaten before we went to the brunch) that is definitely not why i'm upset. i wish that was why and not because of A's behavior today - well, all week. but let's start at today.

at the brunch today, A was with some friends that we've had (from a mom's group - 7 moms, including me) since he was 6 months old... however, he only sees the kids about once a month/once every other month. anyway, he was fine - almost lovely, actually - the whole time. i wanted to leave THEN - when all was going well - as i had this terrible intuition that we should leave NOW in case his behavior changes - especially since his "nap time" had approached and i could tell he was beginning to get overtired. so... as we were looking for his coat, ABOUT TO LEAVE, A attacked one of the little girls. OH.MY.G-D. the little girl was just sitting nicely, playing, when A went up to her and basically attacked her. he just pushed/shoved into her really hard. i immediately ran over and told A to apologize. instead A proceeded to kick her and then hit her. OH.MY.G-D. i picked him up and he started flailing & hitting me. keep in mind that this is in front of EVERYONE - all the families. i get him to the car and he calms down a bit. i had him go back in to apologize and he does, loudly, and when he hugged the little girl he did so too tight and they fell. he was then loud & obnoxious as were leaving (but in control). i am still having trouble breathing. really. i am speechless. the whole ride home S and i were trying to figure out why he would attack the little girl (who was fine but shaken up - he didn't actually hurt-hurt her but that's so not the point). S said he suddenly got angry. i just don't know what's going on. he was in a good mood and the little girl wasn't doing anything. he had played nicely the whole time. he used to be like this but hasn't been aggressive towards kids, at all, for at least six months. so why this happened is so scary. my heart is beating fast and i'm having trouble regulating my breathing - i'm just so upset and bewildered by his behavior. my only explanation is that it was nap time and he was overtired. the boys were also playing tackle football (not my idea) just a few minutes before so he could've been hyped up from that. and if he had tackled one of the boys, it would've made more sense. maybe he didn't mean to hurt her - maybe he was just playing - but then why would he proceed to hit/kick her??? I just don't f'ing get it. he has been aggressive/defiant towards S and i all week which has been very upsetting. but now towards another child? i just don't know. i'm so scared that something is "wrong" with him. he's 3.5 years old - so he's still "young" but it just seemed like such abnormal behavior. it was.

i think i'll stop there. of course i hope this was one single incident and he won't start being aggressive at school. OH.MY.G-D. i can't even go there. i have to try to get past this. i'm really having such a very hard time right now. on the plus side, the last thing i want to do is eat. i just want to crawl in a little ball until i have a guarantee that he's "okay" and that the aggression will stop. but i need to go to him now instead. very thankful that S was with him the last few hours so i had time to nap & sort my thoughts. i just wish my thoughts weren't so upsetting. :(
---------------
on another note, i gained a pound this week. probably from that dessert bar that i overate at last saturday night. and the fact i had an extra protein and yogurt most days this past week. definitely not my biggest concern now. wish it was!

the latest...

Once again, where to begin? I guess at the beginning, it's a very good place to start... apparently, I have "The Sound of Music" in my head. :) Anyway...

Last week was SO BUSY and I have a feeling it's going to be this way until winter break (which starts next Wed. for me - Yahoo!). As a result, I had that terrible insomnia last week which, thank goodness, "cured" itself on Friday night for the most part. Since then, I've been sleeping 4-5 hours stretches at a time, going to bed earlier, and usually able to fall back asleep if I've woken up at 4 in the morning (usually due to A climbing into our bed at that time). So, that's definitely a positive.

When I went into GW last week, I was happily surprised to see that I lost 4.2 pounds which puts my total at 84 - at almost 5 months from my starting date. WHEEE!!! Very, very cool!!! I was super excited as I've never lost this much weight before (and will hopefully never have to do so again) let alone in such a short timespan. It is kinda incredible, I have to say. The coolest part is probably clothing and feeling more confident (besides feeling lighter, being healthier, etc.).

I have always been a huge "clotheshorse" (do people even use that expression anymore?!?) and when I hit my heaviest weight this summer (unpublishable until I hit 100 lbs. gone!) I seriously could not fit into anything except super baggy tops and elastic skirts. Fortunately, Dress Ba.rn has really nice & comfortable plus size clothes so I fit into 2 of their dresses, as well. However, everything still felt tight. I hadn't worn pants or jeans since I had been pregnant (mid-late 2006, early 2007). Winter clothes were terrible since I had to wear skirts in the freezing cold. I felt bad and I know I didn't look too hot either. NOW, I can FINALLY wear PANTS again!!! Yahoo!!! I am the proud owner of 2 pairs of cords from Tal.bots and 1 pair of Le.vi's jeans! They are a size 20 BUT I fit into an 18 (but they were clearly too tight). Most importantly, I think I look halfway decent in them (hopefully) and they're WARM and COMFORTABLE. Sooo nice! I can now fit into almost any top/shirt. I'm still buying 2x b/c I really love being able to feel clothes a bit loose on me as it's been SO LONG since I've felt that. Now when I go places, I don't feel "huge". It's the best feeling!

All that being said, I am not at my lowest weight, not nearly. I am still about 35 pounds heavier than I was when my husband met me 11 years ago... and a whopping 55 pounds heavier than my "thinnest" weight (when I was a size 10). I am only about 15 pounds heavier, though, than my "usual" comfortable weight which gives you an idea of how incredibly heavy I got in the past 3-4 years. What's interesting is that most of my local friends & all of my current co-workers have only known me to be extremely overweight... so, to them, I'm "skinny"... if that makes sense. I literally hear about my weight 2 - 5 times a day. From EVERYONE. Even some teacher at A's school who I've only seen in passing. I'm glad that my husband (S) gets where I'm coming from ; he's actually been great about the weight loss. He's complimentary (and relieved!) but not to the point where I feel like all I am is a "weight" to him... if that makes sense at all. He doesn't talk about my weight 24/7 (he never did). Which I kinda like b/c sometimes I feel that all I am is my size... whether it's morbidly obese or 84 pounds thinner. This probably doesn't make any sense at all which I apologize for... it's hard to put these thoughts & feelings into words.

Moving on... S and I attended a black-tie affair, the "Moonlight Ball", with my Mom and Marty on Saturday night. I have to admit that I felt AWESOME in my purple dress (size 18)! I was going to buy my usual black dress but saw the purple dress, which was marked down significantly, and loved the color & neckline... see photos above. The ball itself was kinda boring which I feel guilty saying, but it was! I was also a little tired and in a grumpy/negative mood. Not sure where that was coming from. I know I was annoyed at S but for no "real" reason. So, to be honest, the night itself wasn't all that great. Regarding food, I ate some appetizers (baba ghanoush - yum!) but didn't overdo it. I ordered the vegeterian entree which was some nasty tofu. Grosssssssssss. So, I made up for it during dessert. I kinda went nuts. They had a dessert buffet with a chocolate fountain and fresh fruit. And pastries. Lots of pastries. What can I say? I ate dessert until I felt sick. In retrospect, I don't think I ate THAT much (the equivalent probably to 1, maybe 2, dessert portions) but for me it was obviously a lot. Ironically enough, the "me" 6 months ago would've eaten the equivalent of 5 desserts. Anyway... I did love the chocolate fondue strawberries and jelly cookies... and promptly felt quite ill about 10 minutes after eating them... and kept feeling ill for 24 hours afterwards! Seriously! It felt like a "sugar hangover". I was nauseous and felt achy for an entire day afterwards. Which I guess is a sign that I can't overeat sugar/fat anymore. Which is possibly a good thing. Now will that stop me at another black-tie affair with a dessert bar? Probably not... time will tell. Fortunately, I was able to go right back on program yesterday without a problem. I hope I didn't gain weight from Saturday night - I know I'll be discouraged if I do - time will tell.

I think that's enough for now. If you've read all this, I'm impressed - and thankful for your interest! ;) More again, hopefully soon!

long overdue update

i don't even know where to begin! i think i'll write highlights in bullet points to help me organize my thoughts:

- so i've had ridiculous insomnia for a week now. i have been sleeping 2-3 hours a night (usually up around 3 or 4am for the day). i'm napping whenever i can which probably helps reinforce the cycle. it really has begun terrible. on days that i work (like today) i feel like i'm in a fog all day. i really enjoy my job so that helps - and i manage to stay energetic - but it's VERY hard to get any paperwork done on so little sleep. i just have way too much on my mind. i'm going to ask dr. f about a sleeping pill on thursday.

- speaking of dr. f and gw... program is going well. i ended up going off plan for 4 meals the week of thanksgiving and still ended up losing weight (4 pounds in 2 weeks is probably the best measure - i went in the sat. morning after thanksgiving and was down but you're always less in the morning - then again, i started the program on a morning). ANYWAY -- i'm down anywere from 79.8 pounds to 80-something which is a little frustrating b/c i can be a bit obsessive about numbers (helpful, i know). long story short, i'm using my thursday night weights for my "weight tally" on the right side. hopefully i'll "officially"hit 80 pounds (or more) on thursday night.

- i find it ridiculously cool that i could go off the program for some meals thanksgiving week and not lose weight and, MORE IMPORTANTLY, not begin to binge or eat-out-of-control. this is HUGE for me (no pun intended). i had that cupcake a few saturdays ago, grilled salmon & cauliflower mash (half portion - i sent half back) at dinner with holly that tuesday night, thanksgiving dinner (i had everything but had small portions) on thursday and t'giving leftovers on friday (once again, small portions). i stayed "on plan" (bars, shakes, yogurts) in between those meals. i really did not feel the urge to binge or eat everything in sight even though i wasn't 100% on track for my plan. this is REAL LIFE, though. i seriously want to be able to eat out like a "normal person" (whoever that is) once or twice a week and be able to maintain my weight. that being said, i plan to stay on plan completely until our trip to california at the end of the month.

- staying on plan this week has usually meant eating an extra bar and/or yogurt each day. mainly because when you're up most of the night, you get hungry. also, when i'm extremely tired i literally am starving. another reason to get the sleep issue under control.

- i'm beginning to love buying clothes again. and having my photo taken. this is awesome.

- on a "lower note", A has been REALLY acting up the past few days (well, on and off). it's stressing me out more than i could ever express. he's 3.5 and still has tantrums - which are aggressive - they have always been (his tantrums). they don't last long and they were really weaning off (is that the right expression??) until recently. however, he had a huge meltdown on wed., sat. and yesterday... all which included hitting/biting/kicking me or S (husband). it really upsets me. keep in mind that he is the sweetest, most lovable & affectionate child the majority of the time. he went through a stage like this when he was 2.5 and i'm hoping that's all it is. i'm always afraid that there's something "really wrong" and i start to panic which is another reason for the insomnia.

- my husband and i have been getting along a little better the past few weeks. he's so tense though. he's going through a really tough time at work which of course is very upsetting for me, too. so between A and S and all of their issues, i feel like the weight of the world (or, more specifically, my family) is on my shoulders.

- i AM thankful that even with all this stress, i'm able to control my eating... i would've been eating everything in sight 5 months ago with all this going on.

-- speaking of 5 months ago, it will be 5 months since i've been on the program in 5 days (5 apparently being the lucky number here). originally i was only going to do the modified fasting program that i'm on for 4 or 5 months and then transition to a more "regular" food intake program (still at GW). however, i think i'm going to stay on the program until the end of december. my blood work is good (knock on wood) but my hair is beginningto fall out. i DO have a lot of hair so i'm not too concerned. yet. i'd love to knock off 20 more pounds (which would bring my total to 100 POUNDS - HOLY S&8T!) before switching to the less intense program. from there i would probably like to lose another 20- 50 pounds but one day at a time, right?

Think that's about it for now (big sigh). Thanks for allowing me to vent, blogger friends. It really has helped. Here's hoping I can stay awake/alert today AND sleep well tonight. overall, i'm hoping for a much better day for A and S, too.