a ridiculous amount of stress :(

i'm ridiculously stressed. and probably a tad depressed (i hate that word), too. so many thoughts twirling around in my head, most (if not all) of them negative. and i hate negativity. some big thoughts like - "my husband and i aren't talking - i think we're really done this time - or at least i am". this is something that i've been feeling off/on (mainly on) for 5 years now. he wants to stay together. ideally, i do, too. but our marriage is so far from ideal that it's almost mind-boggling. more on that another day - it's toodraining to even write about it. then i worry about my kid who's turning 4 (OMG) on monday. is he okay? is he "normal"? i don't know. i wish i had a magic ball that could tell me that he's FINE, that he'll be FINE, etc. etc. etc. but there's no such thing. so i just worry. and feel guilt. lots & lots of guilt. for working so much. for not always being with him when i'm not working (like now when i'm blogging). just a lot of guilt. and sadness. which makes me want to eat. and eat. and eat. and eat. fortunately (?) i've only been eating excess protein bars & yogurts... my pattern for almost 2 months now. which has tremendously slowed down my weight loss. but i am still losing - albeit slowly - and i am thankful for that. i just feel kind-of out of control. not on the outside but definitely on the inside. it's like this overwhelming feeling of anxiety? fatigue? dysthymia (low-grade depression?). it's not that i'm unhappy. it's just i'm not really happy. if that makes sense? for example, i would love to go to GW tomorrow and then take a long nap and then have time with A and then pretend that my husband and i actually still liked each other and hang out. but that's not the plan. sigh. sorry to be so negative, i'm just feeling so ugh. :(

almost... "NORMAL"

My little love, A, is turning 4 in six days. OMG (more on that later). this past saturday was his "finding ne.mo" birthday party. the morning started out beyond stressful (there was a 5K going on at the site of his birthday with no entrance into the rec center - enough said) but everything turned out well. unfortunately, i was seriously S.T.R.E.S.S.E.D. throughout the whole party, though. too bad... :( but little love seemed to have a great time. another point of stress was that my size 16W Levi's kept falling down. i'm THRILLED that i'm now a size 14 jeans (YAHOO!) - but wish i didn't come to that realization during his party. in some pics you can actually see my pink underwear! yikes!!!

one super cool thing i noticed, though, is that i look somewhat "normal" in the photos (albeit tired)! i used to rarely allow my pic to be even taken and when it was... well, i looked pretty darn big... see photos above (for some reason, i can't move them to this paragraph - annoying!) of me in the first pic - in the black dress. it was taken in june 2008 - and that wasn't even at my highest weight. i look BIG, esp. next to my (admittedly very thin) friend. now, in the recent pics taken on saturday, i look somewhat "normal". i'm not "standing out" (literally) for being so large. even though, i must confess, i did zoom in the pic of me standing and analyzed "the fat rolls" that you could see in my apparently-too-tight-but-so-cute new gap t-shirt. anyway, it feels GREAT to look normal again and not stand out (even though my undergarments were - ugh)!!! it also felt great to buy 2 short, form-fitting dresses last week that are beyond cute.

About 10 pounds to go until my bmi changes from "obese" to "overweight". looking forward to that day. then it will really feel REAL (hopefully). i definitely feel like "myself" again. it's the best motivator yet (well, that and the cute dresses, haha). ;)

maintaining (not on purpose!)

still here... just maintaining... only 3.2 pounds less than i was 5 weeks ago... definitely due to the fact that i'm still eating (at least) 6 protein bar/yogurt servings a day instead of 4. mainly this is due to fatigue and stress which makes me feel SERIOUS HUNGER most hours of the day. ugh. dr suggested taking a prescription appetite suppressant (sp?) but i'd rather not. really do want to lose 20-50 pounds (yes, that's quite a range!) more. i'm still 8 pounds away from a "overweight" bmi instead of "obese". hopefully by april! if i could only stop eating so many f'ing bars a day!

off to work...