funnel cake!

so, yeah, i had funnel cake on saturday. one of my all-time favorite foods. we were at a "family fun day" and i split it with S and A, at least. and i didn't binge afterwards - or even want to. just trying to wrap my head around the fact that i can occasionally have "treats" and that i'm not being "bad".

in other news, still maintaining (i think - will go to GW on thursday for the first time in 2 weeks). i'm weighing myself at home every day on an old scale. it's kinda freaking me out since it fluctuates so much. i'm still eating more calories than i should/need to - prob. about 2000 a day. hoping to change that to 1500 as i want to lose 10 pounds before i'm a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding in 6 weeks! i lost 100 pounds in a little over 6 months and it's been exactly 3 months and i haven't even lost another 10 pounds (9 to be exact). frustrating! especially since it's ME - i'm the one eating more. ever since i've gone back to work full-time. sigh. well, at least i'm IN CONTROL - not binging - and not gaining weight. this summer i really truly hope to lose the last 20-30 pounds. sigh.

that being said, i am very (very!) thankful and grateful to be at the weight i'm at. to be able to wear cute clothes and feel confident and like myself. it's AWESOME.

hanging in...

i have lots to write about but i'm exhausted - shocker,right?!? it's 1:37 am and i obviously should be in bed but since it's my last night of "spring break" (aka "the last morning i don't have to wake up at 6:30 am"), i'm "taking advantage" of my natural night-owl hours. oy... i so wish spring break wasn't ending! i love my job - really, i do - but it's so nice being OFF. FREEDOM to do what i want to do. love it!

we went to b'ham for Passover and it was, overall, a decent trip. A was well-behaved which was such a blessing! he seemed to enjoy being there, too (see photo - he loved swimming in my in-laws pool!). my MIL was fairly decent except for one crazy zinger. we are like oil and water... wow. anyway, i ate what i wanted - whatever i wanted, for the most part (didn't binge, though, just "gave in" to cravings) - for 3 days straight. it felt so... good... and "bad" at the same time. since i was eating really well on plan B the week before i managed not to lose any weight (actually lost a half a pound) so that was a relief. since we've been back, i'm back up to about 2000 calories a day. nothing too crazy but not where i was pre-trip (around 1500 calories a day). i hope to be back on track once spring break is over (in 1 day)! well, routine is good for eating purposes, at least. i hope to start walking again at night, too.

i've been shopping like there's no tomorrow. i'm LOVING it. i'm a size 14 or 16 pants (depending on the brand, fit, etc.) and a size 14 top and dress. i'm still buying XL tops even though i fit in most L tops. i have extra skin above my hips, though, which show if the top is form-fitting. :( i finally bought a new bra today - 38C - even though i'm prob. more like a D - i feel like my chest hasn't "shrunk" too much. last time i lost weight, it really did so it's kinda odd. however, i have lost a significant amount on most other areas so i'm not complaining... too much, that is.

that's about it. oh, A has been stuttering again which worries me. he stuttered for about a month almost 2 years ago and then it went away... now it's back... and my husband is a recovering stutterer (even though he says he still stutters, i never notice) and it is genetic. so... that's been on my mind. i'll probably see if it goes away in the upcoming weeks - if not, i'll look into it. it's always something!!! besides that, 4 has been great so far - knock on wood, i hope i didn't just jinx it! A has been much more cooperative and less tantrum-y. very thankful for that. he's such a sweetheart - he's my heart - there are no words for the love that we have for each other. anyway... i hope to post again soon AND i hope to start losing an average of 2 pounds a week again! would love to lose 10-15 more pounds before my brother's wedding on 6.18!

Plan B (& other news)

well, i have written a TON of blog posts recently... in my head,at least! unfortunately, they have not made it to paper in recent weeks due to incredible busy-ness (that's a word, right?:)), exhaustion and not enough hours in the day - or, more accurately, in the night since i'm a night owl. ;)

overall, things have been... pretty good. fortunately, i got over my "slump" shortly after i wrote the last post. knowing that my "baby" was turning 4 made me very emotional, esp. since i don't know if i'll be having more children (which i'm currently completely undecided about... and i think about this ALL.THE.TIME.). sigh. i took most of the day off (from work) on his birthday on march 28th. it was a really good decision as he was SO HAPPY when i surprised him by coming home from work shortly after he woke up, with 8 balloons (his favorite) for him. he was so thrilled that he even let me take my photo with him (he usually hates it when i take pictures since i take soooo many)! See photos above... his smile made it all worth it! i also got to surprise him at school when he celebrated his birthday there and he loved his birthday cake that night. it turned out to be a very special day... as the last 4 years with him have been filled of. he really is the love of my life. we love listening to that song by car.ly si.mon together... which is used to sing to him when he was a baby. he told me on his birthday "mommy, you're the love of my life". sooo sweet, that child is. usually!!! actually, minus our trip to tar.get yesterday, when he was terrible (ugh), 4 has been great... knock on wood.

in other news... i am continuing to lost 1 pound a week eating 1800-2000 calories of bars/yogurt and eating out once a week. i'm very active in the sense that i move around a lot and i'm never sitting still for long - so that has been a blessing. i've also started walking a few times a week. however, i would like to lose 2 pounds a week so i'm cutting my calories down to about 1400 a day. i'm officially on "plan B" now where i eat lunch & dinner (real meals! usually le.an cui.sines or tuna) and have bars/yogurts for breakfast, a snack after work and a snack before bed. i'm feeling MUCH less hungry this way and it's nice to eat again. :) i do feel "in control" which is great. however, the saying "don't have it in the house" couldn't be more true! since i can technically eat "real food" now, i've bought reduced fat/calorie potato chips, ch.ex mix, chocolate graham cracker gold.fish, etc. i've also bought honey-roasted almonds (good protein) and i bought pe.eps yesterday (lots of sugar but no fat/few calories). the problem is these are mainly salts/sugars and even though 1 serving is okay, i usually have trouble stopping at 1 (shocker, right?). so i end up eating 200 calories (at least) worth purely due to emotional eating and the fact that i'm craving salt these days. so i'm going to have to stop buying these items. for now, at least. besides that, program B has been great.

so that's the scoop over here. overall, not too many complaints (knock on wood). hope all my readers are doing well, too... i plan to catch up on my blog reading next week (spring break - yahoo)!!! have a good day, everyone!!! :)

p.s. will update weight chart later - i'm down 108.5 now!

a ridiculous amount of stress :(

i'm ridiculously stressed. and probably a tad depressed (i hate that word), too. so many thoughts twirling around in my head, most (if not all) of them negative. and i hate negativity. some big thoughts like - "my husband and i aren't talking - i think we're really done this time - or at least i am". this is something that i've been feeling off/on (mainly on) for 5 years now. he wants to stay together. ideally, i do, too. but our marriage is so far from ideal that it's almost mind-boggling. more on that another day - it's toodraining to even write about it. then i worry about my kid who's turning 4 (OMG) on monday. is he okay? is he "normal"? i don't know. i wish i had a magic ball that could tell me that he's FINE, that he'll be FINE, etc. etc. etc. but there's no such thing. so i just worry. and feel guilt. lots & lots of guilt. for working so much. for not always being with him when i'm not working (like now when i'm blogging). just a lot of guilt. and sadness. which makes me want to eat. and eat. and eat. and eat. fortunately (?) i've only been eating excess protein bars & yogurts... my pattern for almost 2 months now. which has tremendously slowed down my weight loss. but i am still losing - albeit slowly - and i am thankful for that. i just feel kind-of out of control. not on the outside but definitely on the inside. it's like this overwhelming feeling of anxiety? fatigue? dysthymia (low-grade depression?). it's not that i'm unhappy. it's just i'm not really happy. if that makes sense? for example, i would love to go to GW tomorrow and then take a long nap and then have time with A and then pretend that my husband and i actually still liked each other and hang out. but that's not the plan. sigh. sorry to be so negative, i'm just feeling so ugh. :(

almost... "NORMAL"

My little love, A, is turning 4 in six days. OMG (more on that later). this past saturday was his "finding ne.mo" birthday party. the morning started out beyond stressful (there was a 5K going on at the site of his birthday with no entrance into the rec center - enough said) but everything turned out well. unfortunately, i was seriously S.T.R.E.S.S.E.D. throughout the whole party, though. too bad... :( but little love seemed to have a great time. another point of stress was that my size 16W Levi's kept falling down. i'm THRILLED that i'm now a size 14 jeans (YAHOO!) - but wish i didn't come to that realization during his party. in some pics you can actually see my pink underwear! yikes!!!

one super cool thing i noticed, though, is that i look somewhat "normal" in the photos (albeit tired)! i used to rarely allow my pic to be even taken and when it was... well, i looked pretty darn big... see photos above (for some reason, i can't move them to this paragraph - annoying!) of me in the first pic - in the black dress. it was taken in june 2008 - and that wasn't even at my highest weight. i look BIG, esp. next to my (admittedly very thin) friend. now, in the recent pics taken on saturday, i look somewhat "normal". i'm not "standing out" (literally) for being so large. even though, i must confess, i did zoom in the pic of me standing and analyzed "the fat rolls" that you could see in my apparently-too-tight-but-so-cute new gap t-shirt. anyway, it feels GREAT to look normal again and not stand out (even though my undergarments were - ugh)!!! it also felt great to buy 2 short, form-fitting dresses last week that are beyond cute.

About 10 pounds to go until my bmi changes from "obese" to "overweight". looking forward to that day. then it will really feel REAL (hopefully). i definitely feel like "myself" again. it's the best motivator yet (well, that and the cute dresses, haha). ;)

maintaining (not on purpose!)

still here... just maintaining... only 3.2 pounds less than i was 5 weeks ago... definitely due to the fact that i'm still eating (at least) 6 protein bar/yogurt servings a day instead of 4. mainly this is due to fatigue and stress which makes me feel SERIOUS HUNGER most hours of the day. ugh. dr suggested taking a prescription appetite suppressant (sp?) but i'd rather not. really do want to lose 20-50 pounds (yes, that's quite a range!) more. i'm still 8 pounds away from a "overweight" bmi instead of "obese". hopefully by april! if i could only stop eating so many f'ing bars a day!

off to work...

plateau

really quick post since i don't want to be late to work again... for some reason i have the most motivation to blog in the morning before work when i have literally 2 minutes to do so. anyway, i am plateau-ing for the first time since i began this"adventure" back in july. this is completely of my doing. long story short, i am eating waaaay more calories than i "should" if i were to lose weight. i'm technically still on plan A, which is bars/shakes/yogurts (with carrots & pickles thrown in for good measure:)) but instead of eating 4 servings of each a day, i'm eating 6-8(?) - i usually stop counting after 4! WHY is the big question. not exactly sure of the "answer" but here are some possibilities -

a. hunger - real hunger, not emotional (usually). my typical day begins at 6:30 and ends at 12:30 (or later - gulp) and when you're only eating bars/yogurts, you get HUNGRY every 2-3 hours. of course going to bed earlier would help with this. what doesn't help is that A hasn't been falling asleep until 11 (he's in bed by 10) and wants me with him until he's asleep. since he naps at school he literally can't fall asleep earlier. it kinda sucks. plus, when i'm tired (which is usually all day until i can nap), i tend to feel very hungry (which i read is biologically correct - if you don't get enough sleep, your hunger hormones (cortisol???) is"off".

b. boredom/stress/etc. - definite emotional hunger here. not to the extent where i'm craving junk or binging or anything like that - just craving food. i've been chewing A LOT of gum this month!

c. Dr. P's theory - the GW guru's theory that once you get to a weight that you're more satisfied with, you don't feel the desperation to "diet" as much (don't quote me here on this)... your motivation goes down as your weight goes down or something like that. makes total sense and i know that's what's happening here since this "plateau" started once i hit 100 pounds lost.

d. the "fear of success"/fat dependency, etc. - i don't think this is happening too much with me but it's a possibility as i'm getting smaller.

i would love to start working out but it's hard finding the time! unfortunately i can't go to GW tonight as i'm swamped getting the house ready for my in-laws visit tomorrow (yikes!). thanks for letting me"share" this morning, blog readers. all right, now i'm in a mad rush for work. happy thursday, everyone!!! ;)